That old sound

I think everyone has songs that remind them of sometime in their life.  Sometimes it's an entire genre of songs and bands.  Just about anything classic rock takes me back my childhood.  Not necessarily all good memories that come back but it still makes me a wee bit nostalgic.  Even if they weren't normally great times, it was still my childhood.  A lot of them bring back parties that my parents threw, 6 hour drives to visit relatives or just my dad sitting around listening to the radio.  And there are other things that it brings to mind but I don't want to dwell on the past all the time.  I'm trying to remember good times more and less bad times.  For some reason, no matter what memory a song invokes, I still miss that time in my life.  I guess you'll always long for your childhood back.  And as a child, you can't wait to get it over with.  My mom would always tell me as a kid that I shouldn't try and grow up too fast, enjoy being a kid and playing.  At the time I just assumed she was saying that because when you got older, you had bills to pay.  Now I realize there's this innocence when you're  a child that you can never get back.  Once it's gone, it's gone for good.  I wouldn't give up what I have now for anything but that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally want to go back to a time when things were simpler.

Tags: childhood, classic rock, nostalgia

What my birthday means to me

Today was my birthday.  (the 27th)  It started out great and ended badly.  We'll start at the end.  Jasmine climbed onto the dishwasher and grabbed a small glass ornament and chewed it up.  I'm not sure if she swallowed any or not.  I called my doctor who never called back (it was 3am) so I called the hospital and the nurse was not too helpful.  She basically said keep an eye on her.  I was scared half to death though.  Now I see why parents always say they've earned their gray hairs.  Now to the beginning, my mom, grandma, brother and his girlfriend all came over and then we went to dinner.  My brother's girlfriend literally made me laugh until I cried.  Then me, Shawn, Jasmine, my brother and his g/f went to the mall and I bought her a pair of jeans.  We had a pretty good time.  And found out that my husband and my brother's girlfriend have known eachother since she was real young.  Small world. 

Being as it was my birthday I was thinking about my mom a lot and the fact that 24 years ago she was in labor.  She was alone (my grandmother waited in the waiting room) and probably scared.  I know I would've been, hell I was even though I had both Shawn and my mom in the delivery room with me.  I was thinking about how much I put her through in my teens and how if I knew then what I know now, I would've acted very differently.  I wouldn't have went out when I shouldn't.  I wouldn't have come home five minutes late.  I wouldn't have dissappointed her.  I would've tried harder.  I would've showed her I loved her more often than I did.  I wouldn't have given her so many dirty looks.  I would've spent more time enjoying her company, instead of worrying about the next time I would see my friends.  There's countless things I would've done differently.  I would've appreciated her more.  And I would've showed that appreciation more.  I've been taking more time to reflect on things that I had previously.  Before a birthday was just a birthday.  Now I think more about my mother.  I think about how we should've been celebrating her instead of me.  She's the one who made it through all that stuff.  The selfish years of my adolescents, the hormonal tween years and the years where I was coming into adulthood.  I regret every time I made her cry.  Every time I made her doubt herself as a mother.  Every time I made her so frustrated that she didn't know what to do or where to turn.  The times she worried.  The times I confused her.  I do not regret every single second of memories I have with her.  Every moment that she is with me, I cherish.  She's not just my mom, she's also my best friend, my confidant and occasionally, my partner in crime.  I would not be the person I am if not for my mother.  She's the reason for every good piece of character that I have.  I love you mom. 

Tags: my birthday, mom, jasmine, eating glass

Dog pics

Even more pics

Pics from today

You can't tell I got a digital camera for xmas can you?  haha

Xmas Pics

INFJ

I took one of those hokey online personality tests tonight.  I was shocked.  It had be pegged exactly in so many different ways.  I am an INFJ.  INFJ Profile  If you would like to know what your personality traits are a little more in depth... Online test based on Jung - Myers-Briggs typology  Who knows, maybe you could learn about yourself.  Or even better, let me know what you are so I can learn more about you.

Sideways Christmas

In the last 24 hours, our Christmas tree has toppled four times.  I wanted to make it into firewood.  Instead, we bought a new tree stand, took off all the Christmas lights (over 15 strands) and started over.  I took the lights off in a really stupid way.  I basically slide all the lights over the branches onto the floor.  I had a cluster of lights.  It took over an hour just to untangle them and two hours to put them all back up.  If it falls over again, I'm giving it to the trashman, lights included.  And of course, everytime it fell it lost about a million needles that I had to keep sweeping up and while I was putting all the damned lights on, it lost even more needles.  I'm going to be finding those things on my floor till next Christmas.  Surprisingly, the house is staying fairly clean.  I'd like it spotless on Christmas day.  I know it won't stay that way all day due to so many people being in the house but I'd like it to be that way when everyone shows up.  I think in order for that to happen, I'd better send Jasmine to her grandma's from now till then.  And give the dogs and cats sedatives everyday.  Yeah I see that one happening.  I want a maid for xmas.  And chocolate. 

I had a fairly good day and a really shitty night.  The Christmas tree fell over at 1am.  Meaning I had to wake up Shawn to help me pick it back up.  Mr. I-wake-up-very-grouchy.  We get the tree back up, and adjust it so that it's standing almost straight up.  I put all the ornaments back up and begin sweeping up the million and a half or so pine needles that are now all over my floor, when alas, the tree falls on ME.  I tried to get Jasmine to go get Shawn out of bed but he was obviously still awake because he came out of the bedroom.  We get it standing up and while I hold it to make sure it doesn't fall over again, he gets a cinder block.  Around that time, Cash the doberman puppy (aka purebreed moron) decides to try and eat a glass ornament.  I would have never noticed since I was more worried about being crushed by the tree but Shawn saw him and got the glass out of his mouth.  After he goes to bed, I went to feed the fish.  One of my favorites, Sharkbait, is belly up so I had to remove him and the filters so I could put some medicine in the tank.  When I goto put the remainder of the medicine back in the box, I yelp because there is a very large black jumping spider on it.  Now, I'm not afraid of spiders.  I'm afraid of icky biting jumping spiders.  I've picked up many spiders with my bare hands and carried them outside to safety but not them.  I didn't want to walk back past the couch because in my head I was certain he would jump on me and of course his teeny tiny fangs would cause me immediate death.  Ok so maybe I'm exaggerating just a little bit.  Eventually he made his way to the other end of the couch.  Now if I could just get Jasmine to go to sleep and my arms and back to stop itching from the million or so stabs I received from the tree.

Link

If you'd like to see more pictures of Molly or of other dogs at the foster agency visit, www.petsconnect.org

oh my back

Ah, I have just taken my first break from cleaning.  It's been three hours since I started.  You would think the house would be spotless now but alas, no.  I scrubbed sinks, tubs, counters and dishes.  I now have two clean rooms, the kitchen and the bathroom.  I should add that not including the basement there are 8 rooms in all.  At the very least I will have the living room cleaned tomorrow.  It's been so hard to get some time to clean.  Anytime I get to myself I want to spend relaxing, not scrub a dubbing.  And I finally changed the last two knobs on the kitchen cabinets tonight.  It's only been four months since I bought them.  I wonder how long the kitchen will actually stay clean.  I give it less than 12 hours.

Our newest addition to our family is settling in nicely.  Her name is Molly.  She's a goofy dog whose feelings are easily hurt.  She's had a rough one year of life.  At two months of age she was set to be euthanized due to a shelter being over populated and her number was up.  A kind foster agency saw her potential and saved her.  At four months, she contracted an illiness that almost took her life.  No doctor was able to make a diagnoses.  And finally, at six months, she was again facing death by euthanasia.  At an adoption event, she became surrounded by ten or so men and became extremely fearful, growling and baring her teeth.  After that day, she would become extremely aggressive at adoption events towards strangers.  Many volunteers suggested putting her down due to her unpredictable behavior.  Her foster mother refused, stating she's a totally different dog at home, even with strangers.  After almost half a year of working with her at adoption events, she's finally able to go into a Petsmart without lunging, growling or showing fear.  It took a LOT of work on the part of her foster mom but in my eyes it was all worth it.  She's a fantastic dog.  She's always happy, tail wagging.  Everytime you touch her or talk to her, that tail is thumping.  She does have a great deal of seperation anxiety.  Which she proved by destroying the blinds in our backroom the first day she was left alone.  She now gets crated when we leave but seems fine as long as two of the dogs are with her.  She loves the puppy, Cash a great deal and fears our alpha female, Mia.  She will cower if Mia even walks past her.  The first two days she refused to go outside if Mia was out.  They're beginning to work past their differences and even played a little this afternoon.  The dog that was labeled, vicious and unpredictable now sleeps in bed with me and Jasmine, her head on the pillow. 

Recognized

I went to petsmart today to pick up some calendars I ordered from a local foster program.  One of the women that run the organization recognized me from when I helped out at a few of their adoption events.  We got to talking about the fact that me and my husband are looking to adopt a dog.  She asked what I was looking for and suggested a few dogs on their website.  I  had looked at the site but quite frankly thought the fees were ridiculous.  (some dogs were $350)  She told me before I left that if I wanted one of their dogs, it was mine.  I'm not exactly sure what she meant by that but we may have her bring one or two of the dogs to petsmart within the next two weeks.  We already have an appointment with a shelter in plymouth for Thursday and I'd still like to take a look at their dogs before giving her a definite answer.  They know I would give a dog a good home.  I guess sometimes it pays to know so many people in rescue, too bad I don't know many in shelters.  Obviously, we have decided not to go with the humane society.  We had another run in with the vet there when we took August to meet the rotti.  We decided enough was enough and we don't need to be treated that way.  Maybe the next time we go to adopt a dog (YEARS from now since we will be up to four soon) we'll try there again and see how it goes.  For now, I can't stand to deal with that woman again.  The only reason I'm a little against going with this foster organization is because of several comments a guy made while I was up there about my choice to adopt a pit bull from the humane society.  He had the mentality that many have, all pits need to be put down.  I don't believe that.  I think you should always take caution no matter how long you've had the dog or how well you think you know them but I don't think they all need to be put to sleep.  They are aggressive dogs in all breeds.  At any rate I got my calendars and it's pretty cute considering how much (or little) I paid for them. 

Shelter

We went up to the humane society again today.  Mostly to see Anikin but partly to see if anyone else stood out.  Anikin was so happy to see us.  I hate that he can't come back home.  We found two dogs that Shawn liked.  (I like them all) One was a border collie mix and the other looked to be a pure breed rott.  He's always wanted a rottie so we're taking August up there tomorrow to meet her.  I think he's having second thoughts now though.  I may have had some part in that.  Once we got home I looked up common problems with rott's and what you should know before you adopt them.  I already knew they could be bullheaded but it's hard to explain that to someone when they just really want the dog.  Anyways, if he changes his mind about the rott, whose name is Junior and who we thought was a boy.  (that's what the cage card said) Then SHE rolled over and we both were kind of like where's your pee-pee.  She was super sweet but rott's make me nervous.  The border collie is a male named Sammy.  He looked very uncomfortable at the shelter.  I know he hasn't been there long since he wasn't there last weekend.  He never barked and the only time he got up was when one of the girls walked by with another dog.  I know I could train a border collie, whereas I'm not sure if I could a rott.  Anyways, we asked the girl that brought Junior back to the family room if there was anyway we could see how the dog does with one of the shelter cats or take the dog into the cat room. (they're all caged)  She went to ask and another girl came back and gave us a big speech about how there's no guarantee and that the dog could do great with the shelter cats and then come back and eat one of our cats.  I explained what happened with Anikin and told her we just wanted to see Junior's initial reaction to a cat.  She said she'd go get one of the office cats.  She came back and told us we needed to talk to the vet that works at the shelter.  The vet was quite frankly a condescending bitch.  She talked to all of us like we were children.  (my mother was even with us)  She said if we couldn't handle the responsibility of introducing the dog/cat then we shouldn't adopt a dog at all.  She just made me want to start crying because she made me feel like a terrible person for not trying harder with Anikin.  There was NO changing that dog.  Only someone with training and experience could teach that dog not to eat those cats.  I love that dog.  And she made it seem like we tossed him aside without another thought.  She also made it seem like we didn't consider our child in all of this.  I don't want this to seem like I'm saying not to adopt from there just because of one person who was lacking in tact.  Just about every shelter/rescue is going to have someone that needs some training in dealing with people.  Everyone else has been wonderful.  I guess I just needed to vent somewhere.  If you're looking for a dog, PLEASE consider the humane society first.  They are absolutely overflowing with dogs and cats.  If you can't take in anymore animals, you could always donate your time, money or supplies.  Every little bit helps.

sigh

I've been searching petfinder and other sites looking for signs of the perfect dog.  I'm by far not over Anikin.  We had him for a weekend but I think it'll take a long time before I stop crying over him.  We'll probably head back to the Humane Society next week or the week after.  I'll be up there tomorrow or Friday to visit with Anikin.  He was in holding for three days before anyone could adopt him or see him otherwise I would've been there sooner.  I should have pictures of him by the end of the weekend and I'll post them shortly after that.

Anikin

We adopted a dog on Friday, Anikin.  His cage tage said boxer/akita mix, he's quite obviously got pitbull in him.  He's a great dog.  He LOVES Jasmine, is good with our dogs, is great in the bathtub.  Everything would be perfect, if we didn't have cats.  We will be taking him back to the shelter tomorrow because he literally tried to eat one of my cats.  I feel like I've failed him and them.  When I worked at the shelter, I always felt like people had just given up on trying to help a dog, but there's no changing him.  He's completely obsessed with the cats.  I've only ever seen one dog more obsessed with something than he is, luckily that dog doesn't try and kill the things he's obsessed with.  (guinea pigs)  He's just such a great dog in EVERY other way.  I fell in love with him before we even got him home.  It will be extremely difficult to leave him tomorrow.  I wish there was some way to help him and keep him at the same time but I don't want to be responsible for one of my cats dying either. 

Pictures from July

I just got these pictures from July developed... we're a little behind on our developing...

blah

I'm doing something I said I would never do again.  I'm going shopping the day after Thanksgiving.  Yikes.  I'm not good in crowds.  I'm not good with people period.  I figured what the hell.  Can't beat 'em, join 'em.  I wasn't planning on going but my mom said she wanted to go for something that'll be on sale so why not.  Afterwards, me and Shawn are going to buy our first Christmas tree.  My uncle thinks it will die before Christmas.  It better not because I really don't want to have to take down all those decorations and put them back on another tree.

Oh and STOMP was great.  It was different from what I expected.  It was funny at some parts and they had the audience interact by clapping once and a while.  I never thought that rubber tubes could sound beautiful.

Stomp

Shawn and I are going to see STOMP tonight.  I've wanted to see it for years but have only recently talked my husband into being a little more cultural.  I would be more comfortable going in a long sleeve shirt, jeans and tennis shoes, at least physcially.  Mentally however, I would be critiquing my own outfit against those around me.  Normally, I don't care what others think of what I wear.  I'm fairly confident about myself and my appearance.  The only place I feel out of my element is at the theatre.  A few years ago, Shawn took me to see the orchestra on Valentine's day.  I had only been to the theatre on school trips at that time.  I had no idea what was expected of my attire.  I believe I wore jeans and a nice sweater.  After standing and waiting for the doors to open for about a half hour, a girl standing near me said I thought you were supposed to dress up for this thing.  I was mortified.  I felt like white trash.  I wanted to sink into a hole.  But I stuck it out and enjoyed the night a great deal.  I will never forget that girl's comment though.  (I'm not sure if it was about me or not but I FELT like it was) So I'll wear the stiletto's and the black pants if only a way to feel more comfortable before the lights go down for the show. 

Being normal

Well, last week I posted that Jasmine goes to sleep between 6-7am.  THIS week however, she is getting UP at 5:30am.  She's dealt with the change quite well but I'm still having trouble getting used to it.  I'm falling asleep without any problems now but I'm just not used to being up allllllll those hours.  We get up at 5:30am and she goes to bed at around 7-9pm.  Maybe it just seems longer to me because it's during the day instead of at night.  I don't hate being up during daylight hours though.  I've never liked being a night person but I've never been able to get on a different schedule.  Now, as long as Jasmine keeps this schedule, I will be forced to. 

I usually don't post those test things that I take online but I am fascinated with ink blots and thought maybe other people out there may want to take a look at them as well.  I think it's ironic that it says I have a good imagination because I've always thought the opposite.  Ask my mom about some of our road trips and she may disagree with me.  =)

Inkblot

Take this test here::

Tickle: Tests, Matchmaking and Social Networking

Jamie, your subconscious mind is driven most by Imagination

You have a deep desire to use ideas to change the world around you. This drive influences you far more than you may realize on a conscious level.

You love to brainstorm and imagine new possibilities. The world is a fuller, richer place because you can contribute new ideas to any experience. Your natural curiosity inspires those around you and encourages them to come up with ideas they wouldn't have discovered without your help.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

The usual

So much for sleep... so much for flu shots.  Things were going pretty normally last night.  Well, for us.  Jasmine usually starts to get ready for bed around 4-5am.  Yes, I said BED at 4 in the morning.  I'm a night person, so she turned into a night baby.  I could tell she wasn't winding down as the night went on.  She wanted me to read goodnight moon to her over and over again.  Then she wanted me to read the runaway bunny AND goodnight moon at the SAME time.  Interesting.  She threw up a little bit early in the night.  More like baby spit up than throw up.  (she was never a baby who spit up by the way)  Then around 9am... when I was becoming quite exhausted... she threw up several times in the kitchen and decided to play in it... I was in my bedroom with the door open and wasn't immediately aware that she was doing anything unusually.  Today was the first time I cleaned up someone's vomit other than my own.  You don't realize how long the smell sticks around until it's NOT your vomit.  I might as well have been sprayed by a skunk.  She didn't seem to phased by any of it though.  Again, no fever, and wasn't acting like she was sick.  She finally fell asleep sometime around 10:30am.  I had called off going to the doctor by then to get my flu shot at 2pm.  There was no way I was getting out of bed with three hours of sleep just so I could get stuck by a needle and possibly pass out.  After we woke up, me and my mom went to Walmart and bought Over the Hedge and Milo and Otis.  Over the Hedge was a very cute movie, what I got to see of it anyways.  Jasmine is still enthralled with her magic ability to turn on and off the television.  She uses this talent mainly while watching movies. 

My dad is supposed to be coming over tomorrow.... at some point.  He bought us a cheap truck so that we have two vehicles and wants to drop it off on his way home from watervaliet, MI.  I have no idea when he's supposed to be here so I may or may not decide to stick around and wait for him. 

Jazzy

I haven't had much time to get online this last week or so.  Jasmine hasn't been sleeping well... so I've been sleeping even worse.  She acts fine all day and then as soon as she falls asleep she gets a fever and wakes up on and off all night long.  Sometimes she's up for several hours, other times I read her a story and she's back to sleep.  I've had a sore throat for several days but no fever or anything so I think it's just an allergy thing.  I don't understand why she has no fever during the day and then spikes one of 102 shortly after falling asleep.  It just doesn't make any sense.  She's taking a nap right now and normally I would be passed out next to her but I'm not too terribly tired right now.  Tomorrow I'm going to get my flu shot.  Shocking I know since it took till I was six/seven months pregnant to get my blood drawn, something that should've been done several times by then.  I really don't want to have the flu really bad and have a toddler at the same time so I'm going to take the momentary panic that sets in the second I realize "it's" actually happen.  Shawn called my doctor today to make sure that I can get the shot somewhere other than my arm and they said I can have it anywhere I want it.  So my left thigh will be taking the brunt of the needle. 

I'm still conflicted about having more children.  I know I want to but there's this other part of me that wants to devote EVERYTHING I have just to Jasmine.  I don't want to have to share myself with another child.  But I also know I'll regret it if I don't have more children and I know no matter how wonerful Jasmine's life is, she'll always have wanted siblings.  Most people don't want to get fat and have to go through labor and delivery but I loved being pregnant (except for the morning sickness) and I even enjoyed the delivery and everything, after the epidural. 

At any rate, Halloween went ok.  Jasmine was tired so we didn't go everywhere we had planned but she got m&m's and lollipops so she's quite happy.  Oh she was so cute today.  I had Shawn go get me a frozen coke for my throat and told him to bring her back a small one and when she realized it was all for her she walked around carrying it and looking so proud of herself.  It's funny.  When I was pregnant I said my child won't have pop until she's at least four.  I said there's no reason for a child that young to even know the taste of pop.  It started in the summer.  It was REALLY hot out and I didn't have anything for her to drink except a frozen coke.  She's been hooked ever since and we've guiltlessly indulged her.  The little girl has us both wrapped around her little finger.  She's already so spoiled but she's soooo sweet too.  She'll walk up to you and it looks like she's going to smack you in the face (a phase I believe she is growing out of) and instead she caresses your cheek.  How can you deny her anything when she does that? 

Blessed Sleep

I finally gave in for the first time since before I was pregnant with my daughter. I started taking OTC sleeping pills again.  I was tossing and turning till 10am the other morning and just thought 'that's it, I'm not doing this anymore.'  I actually had the energy to clean up the kitchen today for the first time in a few weeks.  I was doing little things here and there but it definitely wasn't as clean as I wanted it to be.  We'll see how long it is before the pills stop working and I'll have to go back to trying to sleep on my own.

The puppy, Cash is getting big fast.  He's finally starting to catch on to potty training.  We got him when he was 6 weeks old and the lady told us it might take a little longer to train him.  He's 8 weeks now and I thought he was never going to figure it out.  He's kind of a bone head goof ball dog so I think that made it even more difficult.  Well, my sleeping pill is starting to kick in.  I should lay down and see what happens.

Baby girl Pics!!!!

Kids

I thought people were so stupid a few years ago.  Going crazy over a tickle me elmo doll.  Now that I have a child of my own... The stupid doll is sold out EVERYWHERE.  Even on the fish price website.  They won't have any until 2007.  I can get it on ebay... if I want to pay almost $100.  This may be one toy that she doesn't get till after Christmas.

blah blah blah

I don't know what's up with me lately.  I've just been very blah.  Am I depressed?  I don't think I'm depressed.  I don't feel depressed.  I just don't feel like doing anything.  I feel bored.  There have been several days in the last month (ok maybe more than several) where I stay in my pj's all day unless I have to go somewhere.  I never even put pants on today.  I just sat around in my underwear.  I've had a horrible canker sore for almost a week.  Some days it's been so bad that I don't want to talk, smile or eat.  Today hasn't been too bad so I'm hoping it's going away.  Maybe I'll have more motivation then.  I haven't cleaned the house since Thursday night.  (eeek) I swear I'm going to clean at least a little bit tonight.  Shawn has bronchitis and I want to clean the house before I get it or Jasmine gets it.  Otherwise the house will really go to hell in a hand basket.  Somebody send me some energy.  Or better yet, a milky way chiller from gloria jeans.  Their coffee is sooooo much better than starbucks. 

Irwin

My phone line is messed up right now so until at least tomorrow, our DSL isn't working.  I'm stuck with good ole dial up.  Our house warming party went really well I thought.  Everyone seemed to have a good time and almost all the burgers got eaten.  By the end of the night it kind of looked like a grade school dance though.  The boys were all in the house playing cards while the women were outside with their kids.  The dogs were well behaved.  They didn't try and eat anyone, at least not that I was aware of. 

I was very upset to hear of Steve Irwin's death on Monday.  I tear up everytime I'm watching the animal planet or discovery since they play the memorial to him several times a day.  I feel terrible for his wife and two kids, especially Bindi, who was obviously in love with her daddy. 

Seafoam Green

There's no more seafoam green on my kitchen walls!!!!  I got almost everything painted now.  I have a few small places around the trim that I still have to do and a few little touch ups but other than that, it's all done!  Tomorrow we'll finally get things situated in the house for our house warming party on Saturday.  It's finally coming together!    I won't have money to do anymore painting or anything for several months but at least the kitchen is done.  It was the only place that really didn't feel like MY house.  Now I just have to go clean up the GIANT mess that Jasmine made while I was painting.

Paint

I started painting my kitchen yesterday.  I thought I'd bought the right color paint.  I spent hours agonizing over which colors to use and matching them all perfectly.  I bought the wrong color.  It was supposed to be a little more neutral of a purple and I bought a waaaaay lighter color on accident.  I didn't know I had the original paint chip with me and had to pick it out from memory.  A few years ago, this would've probably sent me balling my eyes out for an hour until I came to the same conclusion I have now.  There's nothing I can do about it except keep painting the kitchen and deal with it.  I know my husband will say he likes this color more even if it's not how he actually feels just because he doesn't want to make me feel worse.  Oh well.  There's not a damn thing that can be done about it and even if we had the money for another gallon of paint, I sure as hell wouldn't be buying another one just because this one is a few shades lighter than my original. 

water and pro-ish

What a day to not have water.  We had a new well put in today and we were told we'd have to go 24 hours without water.  (we have it, we just can't drink it, bathe in it or clean anything in it because it's got bleach in it) This evening, Jasmine was playing quietly with her toys, a little too quietly.  That usually means she's poohing or doing something she shouldn't be.  When I went to go check on her, she had shit everywhere.  On her hands, legs, the floor, her toys, everywhere.  It had come out the side of her diaper and she apparently thought it made good finger paint.  God, I hope she didn't put any in her mouth.  I used half a box of baby wipes to clean her and then my hands.  Why couldn't she have done that tomorrow night when I could've just tossed her butt in the bath tub and scrubbed her?

So, are you pro-choice or pro-life?  I'm in the middle.  Again, this is a 30 days show where a pro-choicer goes to live in a pro-lifer home for pregnant women.  I personally believe that women should have a choice, within reason.  Under 18, these reasons won't apply.  I haven't decided what I feel about under 18.  I think if you're raped, you should have a right to an abortion.  If you just got "knocked" up, you should have a right to an abortion... ONCE.  You get one time.  This shouldn't be a method of birth control.  (I knew a girl who had 5 abortions because she accidently got pregnant 5 different times) I don't think abortions should be permitted after the first trimester.  Or the fourth month of pregnancy at the LATEST.  If you don't know you're pregnant by the third month, tough.  So I guess I'm pro-choice within limits.  I also think that they should be given information on abortion, adoption and keeping the baby no matter where they go.  Many pro-life places give them information about adoption and keeping the baby.  The only information they get about abortion, is biased at best.  I personally could never do it but I think other women should have the option.

Go Fish

I had my ultrasound today.  Everything looks normal.  We're going to wait a few months and see if things don't get any better and if not they're going to make an incision in my belly button and use a scope to look around at the other parts of my ovaries and uterus.  It's a relief that I don't have cancer or tumors but it still doesn't answer why I've been in pain. 

We bought a 55 gallon fish tank today.  It'll be a while yet before I can afford the accessories for it.  I can't wait to get a tank set up and have some fish in it.  I think aquariums are so relaxing.  I took care of my mom's fish tank for years.  I had three high fin bull sharks that are over 8 inches long.  I loved looking at them and knowing that I had kept them healthy enough from the time they were baby fish to get to huge adults.  A friend of mine wants me to start a salt water tank but I'm afraid I'll kill them.  When I do start with salt water, I'm going to use a 20 gallon tank and start with some of the smaller, more durable fish.  Eventually, I hope to have two 55 gallon tanks, one with fresh water and one with salt water fish.  My living room is big enough that I could have one tank on one wall and the other tank on the other.  I'll definitely be paying more attention to what fish I want to put into this tank.  I bought two parrot fish for my mom's tank and found out really quickly that they're pretty aggressive.  For now I have to clean the tank.  (it was used) If anyone is interested in a 55 gallon fish tank for only $30, let me know. 

Hate

So I'm watching 30 Days right now and it's about an atheist woman living for 30 days with a Christian family.  It's really pissing me off.  I knew a lot of people were narrow minded but I had no idea it was to this point.  I listen to other people's views and try to be open minded and hear what they're saying but I wouldn't get the same from them.  I am a good person.  I was raised to have the same morals as any religious person.  I just don't believe in god.  Why should I have a book telling me what to believe and how to act?  Why do people have to tell you to be good and moral?  I'm a good friend, extremely loyal.  I treat people the way I want to be treated and try to give others the benefit of the doubt so why am I looked upon as being the anti-christ?  I try to do something nice for people everyday, even though it's usually something little.  I love my family more than anything in the world.  So why am I looked down upon?  I just don't get it.  My neighbor is a jehovah's witness.  I was discussing with him my stance on religon and god.  He scoffed at me when I told him I believed in evolution, not adam and eve.  Why am I to be accepting and respectful of other people's beliefs when they are so narrow minded towards mine?  Every atheist I've met is a caring person with good morals.  On this show, they said that the people in the united states (who are religious) are more accepting of gays than of atheists.  That really made me realize how much atheists are disliked.  You hear everyday about how gays are being prejudiced against and how hard it is for them to live the same way everyone else does so what does that leave for atheists?  I don't believe in god, that doesn't make me a bad person.  That doesn't mean I will go out tomorrow and kill a bunch of people just for fun.  I can't even kill ants for christ's sake.  I feel guilty about killing flies.  Come on people.  Open your minds a little and get a little understanding.  My daughter will be brought up with good morals, respect for her fellow human AND animal, a good work ethic.  Everything that christians teach their kids without the bible and god.  I just don't get it.  Love thy fellow man, not love only thy fellow religious god fearing man.  I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Insane

Everyday I feel a little more uncomfortable, both physically and mentally.  I feel as if I'm pregnant. (I'm not) There is so much pressure coming from that area that it feels the same way as when I was five months pregnant with Jasmine.  My imagination keeps running away from me.  I've went through just about every possibility as to what it could be and then what the treatment for said thing would entail.  I'm almost a week away from my pelvic ultrasound.  (I was under the understanding that it was just a regular ole ultrsound... it's not) At one point and time, I was sure it was cancer and I wanted to take a knife to my abdomen right that second and cut it out.  I hate the idea of having cancer growing anywhere in my body.  It made me feel like I had bugs crawling under my skin and I wanted to claw at myself till they were all out and I was left bleeding.  The not knowing is driving me half insane.  I keep telling everyone, it's not like I can forget about it even if I wanted to, I'm constantly having cramps and I always feel pressure.  There are times I want to stop eating because I keep imagining that I'm feeding whatever is living inside of me and the last thing I want to do is help it survive.  (as long as I'm not pregnant that is) I just want to know what is going on so I can figure out what to do about it.  I'm a very in control person and if I knew what was wrong, I would feel like I could control what happens and where we go from here.  Right now I feel completely helpless.  I wish my appointment was this Monday and not next.  I just want this over with.  I want to go back to worrying about bills and stupid things, not whether or not I'm going to have to worry about living.

House

It seems we won't be moving into our new house till next weekend.  There is some kind of problem with the well being under the house.  They're sending a guy out to take sketches of where under the house and then we should be able to go forward with everything.  We were supposed to move in on Friday.  It's not a big deal.  My mom doesn't quite have the house ready for my grandma moved in and I'm not quite ready to move out.  Especially with the ultrasound coming up. 

Pictures!!!!

Doc

I had an ob-gyn appointment today.  I go in on the 14th for an ultrasound.  I've been having some pain so they want to see if there's something going on in there.  I'm a little nervous.  If I hadn't been in pain all day, I probably wouldn't be so worried about it right now.  No one knew I has having problems till today.  Everyone has so much other shit to deal with, I didn't see why there was any reason to worry them with this too.  Seeing as how there could be nothing wrong at all.  I wanted to make it to my appointment before I said anything.  Seeing as my doctor thinks it's important enough for me to have this ultrasound and possibly exploratory surgery, I figured it was time to tell my family that there's something going on.  I wish it was tomorrow so I could get it over and know what's going to happen next. 

Past

I seem to have a problem letting the past just go on and be the past.  I can't let go of past friendships.  I have no problem letting go of past enemies.  That doesn't mean I ever want those people as friends, I just don't want to waste my time being hateful towards them.  The only person that hurts is me.  The friendship I probably miss the most, is Gary.  Because of circumstances surrounding the demise of our friendship, I don't know if I'll ever get that back.  I've considered contacting him and his wife several times but I don't like to do things on impulse so I've stopped myself.  Plus, I don't know what they're reaction would be upon hearing from me.  We had a falling out with his wife's sister and that was the end of our friendship.  I plan on contacting him shortly before going to pick up our puppy in September.  They live very close to where the breeder is so if our conversation  went well, we could stop by and see them.  I guess we'll see what happens. 

Exhausted

Feeling: Exhausted

 

Between my daughter and the stresses of buying a house, I am completely drained.  Every night I can't wait for her to fall asleep, only to lie awake for hours before sleep finally comes.  During the day, I can fall asleep with no problems, of course.  At the end of the day, I feel as though I've been doing manual labor for hours.  When all I've actually done is chase my daughter from one end of the house to the other.  You see, my mom's house isn't exactly child friendly, therefore, I have to watch Jasmine constantly.  There's little room for a break.  She even takes a nap during the day that lasts between 2 and 3 hours but it never seems to be long enough.  I had no idea what stress can do to you physically until recently.  I know you're probably wondering how I had time to finish a full book in under 24 hours.  I read while she was in the bath, asleep or playing close enough to me that I didn't have to keep both eyes on her.  When I finally do fall asleep at the end of the day (usually when the sun is coming up or is already up) I don't want to get back up.  I really think I would sleep for 24 hours if I was allowed to.  I would kick myself for it when I woke up though.  It would be nice to have a pause button on life so that I could sleep for as long as I wanted for one day and unpause after only 8 hours of actual sleep.  I'm not looking forward to this next week.  I know what kind of hell we've been through all the other times with Jasmine's shots and I'm sure this one will be no different.  She turns into a total nightmare.  There's no telling when she'll be awake or asleep.  One minute she'll be happy and the next she'll be screaming like a banshee.  What's funny, is even if I was to get a break away from everything, I would miss my daughter so much that I would be more miserable than if I had just taken her with me.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Writing and Shots

I'm thinking about writing again.  I toy with the idea every few years and nothing usually comes from it.  It's probably just from reading a lot of memoirs lately.  I just finished "Please Stop... Laughing at me" By Jodee Blanco.  It's a really good book about bullying and being picked on.  If you're into reading at all, I reccomend this book.  I finished it in less than 24 hours.  I bought "The Glass Castle" By Jeannette Walls today.  I'll read just about anything that is a memoir or a biography.  I can really relate to a lot of different people's lives and point's of view on the world and life in general. 

Jasmine is going to have more shots tomorrow.  (Thursday)  That should be a joy.  The day of the shots isn't usually the worst day.  It's usually about four days afterwards when I start to think she's not going to have a reaction.  Then she gets a high fever and cries on and off for days.  Always a great time for a mom whose already exhausted and stressed out.  Afterwards we're going to my dad's for fireworks.  I tried to gently talk my brother into coming with us but I think he'll stay home or go to his friend's house instead.

Moving

I talked to my mom and Shawn and they tentatively agreed to fix up both houses (my mom's and the one we're moving into) and then sell both.  We will buy a large plot of land and build to houses on the land next door to eachother.  That would be the only way I can see myself being happy living away from my mom.  It's ok, you can say it.  I'm a momma's girl.  Me and my mom have a joke that she keeps cutting the apron strings and I just sew them back on.  She's my best friend.  Who wouldn't want to live next door to their best friend?  I don't ever want anything to change with my relationship with my mom.  That's why I'm so scared of moving.  I worry that things will change.  I'm one of those people who DOESN'T like change.  I like things to stay the same.  I love you momma and I'll never let anything change.

Contracts

We signed the contracts for our home today.  Why am I not happy?  I'm so attached to my mom that I freak of the thought of being 8 miles down the road.  She's doing some freaking out of her own.  We're both thinking the same things.  We won't be able to talk to eachother when ever we feel like it, we won't see eachother everyday, things won't be the same again, we'll start to drift apart.  I can't even list all of the things that have went through my head.  All the things I've bitched about for so long will be some of the things I miss.  I just feel sick.  We're buying my grandma's house.  It's on just over an acre, fenced so the dogs and kids have plenty of room to run.  I want to fix it up as fast as possible and sell it.  And we haven't even moved in yet.  I'm not sure how to paint the kitchen cabinets.  I'm not sure if they're actual wood or more like partical board or what.  And then if they're not wood, can I still paint them?  I don't want to paint them and have them look worse than they already do but I also can't stand them the way they are.  I want to paint, paint, paint shortly after everything is moved in. 

I was going to write about Jasmine's birthday but I don't feel like it today.  On Shawn's way to work, he hit a cat.  It was about a mile from here so I drove down there with a towel and wrapped him up a little and got him out of the road.  I know where he lives and they have a young son.  I don't know if I should go down there later and tell them.  I know I wouldn't want to call for my cat and never find out what happened.  I also don't want to go down there and have someone yell at me, especially when I didn't hit him.  The responsible part of me is telling me to go down there and tell them and if I get yelled at and that's what they need to do, then that's fine.  But I also feel like I'm punishing myself by doing that.  I feel like it should be my husband driving down there.  It's like when a little kid steals something, you make them go apologize to whoever they stole from.  Obviously this is a little more serious but I feel like it should be him telling them what he did.  I don't know.  I just feel awful right now.

Sigh

I hate looking at houses.  It's so stressful for both me and my husband.  I love my husband and daughter so much and I don't want to end up making the wrong decision and getting stuck in a house we hate or more likely, an area we hate.  You can find really GREAT houses with acreage in Benton Harbor but (and sorry for those of you who do live there) I don't want to live in the ghetto.  I don't know that it's all like that up there but I don't want to move there and take a chance that it is.  I think in the end it will probably come down to one of three houses.  One has a good amount of land but is on the highway and the house is a little on the small side (beggers can't be choosers and all), another has a little less land but the house is set up really odd.  I guess it has potential but there's a bathroom IN the master bedroom.  No doors seperating or anything, just bed and toliet.  Very weird.  The last one is more in the city on one acre and is directly across from my grandpa's gravesite.  It just sucks.  I have the vision of what "our" house will look like and that we'll know it when we find it but that's proving just a fairytale.  I just thought we'd walk into a house and we'd feel like we belonged there.  I haven't felt anything close to that yet.  I'm just so worried about making the wrong decision.  It's not like you can take it back in two years and if you decide to sell, well that's a hassle in and of itself.  We would have to find out how much we could get for the house we're living in, decide where we'll live if our house gets sold (because there's no way in hell we could pay two house payments for any amount of time).  Some days, I don't think about it even once and then other days it seems to be on my mind the entire day and night. 

I like my lip piercing.  I really do.  But it's a little annoying at times.  Obviously, it's a little uncomfortable right now.  But trying to sleep with this ring around my lip is driving me nuts.  It keeps hitting my teeth and everytime I try to get comfortable I rip the hole open.  I just wish I could have it sit in water all day and still heal up normally since that's the only time it feels fine.  Jasmine's birthday is next weekend and none of my relatives have seen my latestskin mutilation so I'm sure I'll get to hear all about it.  Oh and Shawn got his lip pierced on both sides (I'm not sure if it's called verticals or snake bits).  His mom is REALLY going to flip out when she sees him.  I don't know if I want to be present for that or not.  When he was like 15/16, she let him get a tattoo rather than letting him get his ear pierced.  That's how anti-piercing she is.  Yeah, I think I'll stay in the car for that one.

A crazy week

Well, in the last week I've gotten a new tattoo (on the back on my neck) a drastic hair cut and a lip piercing.  The tattoo says Mei Amor in really pretty lettering.  It means my love in latin.  I got my hair cut just like Charlize Theron in Aeonflux.  I wasn't sure about it at first but now I love it.  Plus it shows off my new tattoo nicely.  I got the lip piercing today.  I almost chickened out.  After dinner I was full of courage though and made a trip to the piercer.  (Joel at Point Blank Tattoo and Piercing.... www.pointblanktat2.com ) It really didn't hurt that bad.  I was scared it was going to hurt as badly as my tongue did but there was minimal pain.  The only time it really hurt was when the needle went through the outer layer of skin and when he put the jewelry through.  I really like it so far, aside from the fact that Jasmine has tried to rip it out twice in the few hours I've had it.  Speaking of Jasmine, her birthday is June 10th.  I can't believe she's almost a year old already.  It's just flown by.  It seems like just yesterday was my first exhausting day home from the hospital and everyone thought I was two minutes more of screaming baby away from snapping.  hehe 

House shopping isn't going as well as we hoped.  We've been told that we can't afford what we thought we could and that we need more money in the bank to get a halfway decent house payment.  Shawn is willing to go with a conventional loan and I would prefer an FHA.  An FHA loan is a little harder for us to get but I think it would be worth it in the long run if we did the work now, rather than get screwed over.  We found a house that we liked in Michigan but it turns out it's a manufactured house and we can't get approved for that.  It's too high risk of a loan or something and the house would only lose value the longer we owned it.  I'm sure things will work themselves out eventually. 

Trees

I realized something the other day while me and my husband were looking at houses.  I don't like the idea of cutting down trees.  Especially really old ones.  I kind of feel like they've made it through so much, so many years of lighting, fires, bugs, humans, etc. that I don't have a right to bring that life to an end.  I know that probably sounds ridiculous.  I think it probably comes from the way I was brought up.  My mom is very into native american culture.  If she could have been an Indian, she would've.  Therefore, I've gotten a lot of history in that area.  I remember at some point during my childhood, watching some documentary of some sort on a tribe and they believed that every living thing has a soul, dogs, cats, trees, grass, everything.  I feel like that has a lot to do with why I don't like killing anything.  The other day, I caught a nasty looking spider and took him to our barn... in the pouring rain because I was worried that if I just set him outside somewhere, he would drown.  The only things I don't mind killing are fleas and mosquitos, oh and ticks.  Basically if it sucks my blood, or stings, I'm all for killing it.  But I feel like there is something really special about trees.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's because they've been mystical beings in so many kids movies or maybe it's just because they've been around for such a long time.  Whatever the reason, they have my respect. 

Houses

Me and Shawn have been house shopping for a while now.  We're not able to buy anything right this second but we hope to be within the next six months or so.  our realtor says we're doing everything right and she's got a great reputation with everyone we've talked to.  We're having trouble finding houses with land in Indiana.  I would like to stay within twenty miles of my mom and brother.  We have, however found land in Michigan.  Two of the houses have 9.5 acres and what appear to be nice houses.  (we haven't been in them, just looked online at their pictures)  They're about an hour away but it's all highway so it wouldn't seem like an hour drive.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I really like this old farm house in Michigan but I feel like there would be more problems with an older house.  (it's over hundred years old) Well, I'd better go.  I'm supposed to be watching my brother play video games and make sure that Jasmine doesn't get in his way.

The past month

Well, it's been a while.  Let's see what's new.  Jasmine did really well on her trip to Ohio for a baby at least.  She cried quite a bit on the way home but nothing too major.  We didn't get to go to the zoo in Columbus because it was below freezing out.  When we got home we did end up going to the zoo in South Bend.  She loves the lamas the most.  She's finally sleeping normal hours again.  Sigh of relief. 

There's been a lot of family crap going on with my dad and my brother.  I'll try to make a long story short.  My brother has been really upset since he and his girlfriend (ex) broke up.  They'd been together for over two years and she immediately started dating someone else.  I tried to get my dad to help support my brother and it backfired.  He just lectured him.  Then, my brother took a friend to our dad's house to get something from his room and my dad's wife totally flipped out.  My dad and his wife told my brother (who is almost 19) that he couldn't have friends over without permission and if he didn't get a hold of anyone then no one could come over.  The reason for this is that my brother's best friend is a typical boy and tends to pee on the toilet seat.  I don't think it's a huge deal, not a big enough to basically ban the kid from the house.  Anyways, my brother didn't get an answer on the phone so he just went to the house since he was only going to be there a few minutes.  My dad's wife followed my brother up the stairs to his room, cursing at him the whole way.  Later she claimed that Jason had started the cursing (a lie) and that SHE was the one being "attacked."  (a word they're using quite frequently it seems) When my brother got to the front door to leave, she shoved him out the door and slammed it.  She pushed him hard enough that my brother almost fell off the porch.  (she's a big woman) All the while my brother's friend is still in the house, watching in stunned silence.  Now she claims that she just extended her arm to make sure he was clear of the door before she slammed it.  She didn't change her story till she realized that her actions had caused a little war between us and my dad.  Immediately after it happened, my husband called her to tell her she'd better never put her hands on my brother again and she claimed she was just as shocked as anyone by her actions.  Sounds like she was admitting to doing it to me.  When she talked to my dad however she told him a different story or else they made up the lie together.  Who knows with those two.  Anyways, my dad has been emailing me daily trying to get me on his "side" of the situation.  No matter what happens, I'm ALWAYS on my brother's side.  No matter what he gets himself into.  So I haven't been emailing my dad back until I figured out exactly what I wanted my email to convey to him.  He likes to use your words against you so you have choose them carefully.  After getting yet another email from him today I finally wrote him back and told him that I was just trying to figure out what I wanted to say to him.  That's ALL I said.  He wrote me back several hours later saying that there was nothing to think about and they were basically not in the wrong in any way and my brother is a piece of crap.  Not in those words but that's what the letter came down to.  So it's been a lovely couple of weeks.  There's always someone fighting with someone around here. 

On Sunday, April 23 at 3am, the city of South Bend lost one of it's police officers.  Please keep his family in your thoughts.  He was shot during a robbery where he tried to potect a friend.  His death was needless and thoughtless.  The robbers were 17 and 18. 

No rest

On Friday it will be two weeks since I've had more than 6 hours of sleep in one night.  Jasmine's DtP shot and first teeth came at the same time and completely screwed up when she's sleeping.  Basically she takes a bunch of naps and one long nap right now.  Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind.  We never go to sleep before 11am.  Yesterday it wasn't till 12pm.  It gets so frustrating.  I had more sleep when she was a newborn than I do now.  We leave for Ohio this weekend and Jasmine will be coming with us.  I have no idea what's going to happen.  She could be an angel or she could turn into a monster.  She will hopefully sleep in the car on the way there.  It's about a 5 hour drive.  I hope the day wears her out enough that on Friday night she sleeps because I don't think I'll get any sleep Thursday night.  I don't know how well I would deal with her on no sleep and no end in sight.  Well, she's throwing a fit so I must go now.  Wish me luck.  Enjoy every hour of sleep since I can't.

Zoo's

I can't wait till the zoo's start opening.  I love going to the zoo.  We went to the one in South Bend 2 or 3 times last year and to the Columbus zoo in Ohio once.  This summer I want to go to Chicago and go to both the Brookfield zoo and Lincoln Park zoo.  I've been to Brookfield a few times but never to Lincoln.  I can't wait.  I know Jasmine won't remember it but hopefully she'll enjoy the animals.  She went with us everytime to the zoo last year but slept through most of the visits, even when it was pouring rain.  She's pretty good around people and in public places so hopefully this won't be any different.  Maybe we'll even take her to Columbus this year if it's not too cold and miserable when we go in the beginning of April.  What can I say, I love being where the animals are. 

back

I'm baaaack.  I hadn't been online very much for about a week bevcause my laptop wouldn't let me use aol.  We ended up having to completely wipe my hard drive and start all over.  Shawn spent over 3 hours on the phone with the people from HP.  They think there was something on the computer preventing aol from starting.  I think if it was anything, it was Norton's.  At any rate, we shouldn't have this much trouble if it happens again because I turned my system restore on and saved everything after I re-installed it. 

poem

This is the first poem I think I've ever written that has no real meaning to me.  Usually when I write, it has to make me want to cry, either from saddness or being happy.  But it was raining last night and this is what came out.

 

Down it comes

Dark as night

Noise like drums

Noise like spite

 

She flows with the wind

Swims with the rain

Finds no end

Feels no pain

 

Out with the dark

In with the light

Still some spark

Still some fight

 

Closes her eyes

Finds relief

Needle in vein

Ends the night

Silly

I'm so excited.  I've finally figured out two more tattoos that I'd like to get.  The one is on the back of my neck under my hair line and it's going to be the words "my love" in latin.  (Mei Amor) And the other is going to be a big one.  It's going to cover my side from below my hip to just under my armpit and it's going to be a vine with flowers coming off of it.  I haven't decided yet whether it's going to be in color, black/grey or brown.  I'm really not that big a fan of color tattoos so we'll see.  I'm hoping to get up to the shop tomorrow and bounce some ideas off of Half Pint. I know, some people think it's weird that I'm getting excited about permanently branding my body in a semi-painful way but my tattoos have become a big part of me.  I don't know exactly how to explain it.  Other tattoo people know what I'm talking about though so at least I'm not totally strange.

Jasmine has started waving and saying hi.  Sometimes she waves for no reason.  And other times she waits till the person she's supposed to be waving at, turns around.  She's a shy waver.

Pictures

These are some pictures that have been taken since Halloween.  I still have four or five rolls that need to be developed.

Poop

Tomorrow I have two doctor's appointments.  One is with the eye doctor to get my prescription for my contacts and the other is with my oral surgeon.  I'm not looking forward to my appointment with the surgeon.  They're not doing surgery tomorrow but I'll get the date as to when they will be doing surgery.  Part of me hopes it's not this month and the other part of me wants it to be done and over with.  I really like food so not being able to eat anything is going to suck.  I'll have to survive off jello and vodka.    I've got to get some kind of fun out of it.  All I can think is that it's really really going to suck.  And I really really don't want to do it.  Maybe I'll use my gift card to the spa the weekend before I have to go.

Video

This is a link to the video I made of me, Shawn and Jasmine

 

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=2a64369460acf6d36b1e3

Washington Post Review of Dealing Dogs

  By Chip CrewsWashington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, February 21, 2006; Page C01

A dog's trusting, imploring face is a tragic sight if you know the trust isn't going to be rewarded. But that's just the first layer of the tragedy in "Dealing Dogs," a fierce and unsparing documentary airing tonight on HBO.

This 75-minute film begins by informing us that research labs and veterinary schools buy 65,000 dogs a year. Of those, 42,000 come from pounds, shelters and small breeders -- rounded up and sold by what are called Class B dog dealers. "Dealing Dogs" then tells the story of a six-month undercover investigation of the kennel owned by a man described as America's most notorious Class B dealer.

<IMG class="" height=190 alt="" src="http://media3.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/photo/2006/02/20/PH2006022001592.jpg" width=209 align=top border=0 research.? in use for destined dealers, B to consigned dogs of fate the examines Dogs? Dealing> "Dealing Dogs" examines the fate of dogs consigned to Class B dealers, destined for use in research. (Hbo)
 

At the outset, it's 2002 and a young man called "Pete" has arranged for a job at the Martin Creek Kennel in Williford, Ark. As he walks down a very long row of overcrowded pens, certain dogs try to connect with him, pleading for freedom or food or maybe just a little reassurance. But if he's to do his job, he needs to remain indifferent to them and the many hundreds of others he'll encounter there.

All of the dogs are doomed; the only question is how much abuse they'll endure before they die.

(Class B dealers are licensed and overseen by the Department of Agriculture through the Animal Welfare Act, we are told. But officials of Last Chance for Animals, the small animal rights organization that sent Pete on his mission, assert that the USDA does little or nothing to ensure that these dogs are treated humanely. In addition, they say, many of the dogs sold by Class B dealers are stolen pets.)

It's winter when Pete starts his job at Martin Creek. Part of his job is hosing down the pens, which sprays water and filth all over the dogs and their food and leaves them to dry slowly in the cold. Pete cannot let on, but the conditions appall him.

"They have nothing to do but sit in the same pen with three other dogs, fight over food and live in [bleep]," he says. "I mean, they're going cage-crazy."

Filmmakers Tom Simon and Sarah Teale never flinch in their depiction of this hellhole, which federal authorities shut down for good last year, partly on the strength of Pete's undercover work. Some of the footage straddles the line between painful and sickening. Dead dogs, dying dogs, dogs in various stages of starvation, dogs covered with hideous bite wounds, dogs with their ears half-chewed off -- all are prominent in the eye of Pete's hidden camera. Dogs with heartworm are shot so that the worms can be harvested for sale to researchers; apparently they fetch a higher price than the dogs themselves.

Dogs that are deemed to be biters, however scanty the evidence, are put down. We see a perfectly friendly cocker spaniel shot to death for just that reason. After pulling the trigger, the shooter shrugs and says, "Oh well, what the [bleep]." After lobbing the body onto a pile of carcasses, the man cries out jauntily, "Ex-dogs!"

Pete's camera also records visits from "bunchers," who come to the kennel three times a week to sell dogs. Nobody asks where the dogs came from, but given the number of purebreds and the number that look to humans for kindness and caring, it seems apparent that at least some of them were pets.

Bunchers receive $10 to $15 a head -- yes, they use livestock terminology -- and the kennel in turn sells the dogs for about $250 each.

This is hard material, and by the end, the parade of hopeless suffering becomes a strain to watch. It's easier to read about 65,000 dogs coming to various grievous ends than it is to watch just one of them wincing and limping through open wounds and malnutrition, and this film shows us many scores of victims.

There's a double sense of hopelessness here, of course: Pete and his allies are striving to bring about proper care for dogs that are going to be sold for various forms of research.

"We knew there were horrific things that go on at the experimentation labs where these dogs go to, but we didn't expect to see that here right at the kennel," he says.

In other words, it's a kind of half-victory they're seeking -- some trace of decent care before the later, seemingly inevitable terrors begin.

The film is poky in places; we could take Pete's search for housing on faith and dispense with his tour of the trailer he settles on. And the legal marathon that ensues after his evidence is presented to the authorities comes at us in rather tedious detail. Clearly the filmmakers wanted to honor this mission, but their methods do a minor disservice to the documentary.

That said, if you have felt the trusting-searching-adoring glow of a dog's eyes -- one of life's very special joys -- you might take a vital interest in the endeavors of these dedicated animal lovers. Just be aware that watching this powerful film could make you awfully, achingly sad.

Links

LCA - Last Chance for Animals  Or  http://www.lcanimal.org/

This is the website for the animal rights group that helped with the investigation into the Class B dog dealers.

Documentary

I watched this documentary on HBO last night.  It was so sad.  It's called Dealing Dogs.  It was all about Class B dog dealers.  They sell dogs to laboratories and university's for testing.  The kennel they had these dogs in was disgusting.  They were keeping at least four dogs per cage.  They didn't get enough food or water.  Lots of dogs died either of starvation, being attacked by other dogs or were killed by the workers at the kennel.  An animal rights activist from Last Chance for Animals was able to go undercover at this kennel.  I don't know how he did it.  I would've killed those assholes after dealing with all their shit.  At one point in the documentary, you see a small dog.  I don't think he was more than five months old.  The undercover agent went to pet the dog and the guy who was taking him on a leash said not to because he bites.  He then proceeded to slam the dogs face into the ground, where the dog did try and bite him.  He took the dog into the yard and had another one of the guys shoot him twice in the head because he wasn't any good anymore.  It was terrible.  At another point, the agent was getting ready to clean cages and he saw a female beagle in the back of the cage, he assumed she was dead until he saw her eyes darting back and forth, she was in shock.  She had been attacked by the other dogs in her cage.  He proceeded to tell one of the guys that the dog needed medical attention and he said he'd given her something but not to worry, she'd be dead in the morning.  He was right.  She was still in the back of her cage and had died sometime in the night.  The USDA is supposed to check up on these kennels to make sure that the animals are under humane conditions.  The agent witnessed a visit by the USDA... they did nothing.  Reported no violations.  After recording over 700 hours of video, he turned it into the USDA.  It took them several years but they eventually prosecuted.  The owners were forced to pay over quarter of a million dollars, could face up to 1.2 million in penalities, were forced to give up their 700 acre farm and could face up to 10 years in prison.  I've seen a lot of cruelty documentaries but I think this was the worst one yet. 

Sickly

Jamine's sick, Shawn's sick, I'm sick.  My house is a science experiment.  Over the weekend, Jasmine was bad enough that we had to take her to the doctor.  She was coughing and throwing up.  I was worried she would dehydrate.  The doctor we saw said it was the flu, I think it's something else.  I've had the flu, this isn't the flu.  It's not quite that awful feeling.  Just a lot of coughing and phlegm.  She's been a little more cranky than usual but not too terrible.  It looks like Christmas in our living room.  Everyone bought her toys to try and make her feel better so there are new toys every along with the boxes they came in.  I wish I got toys everytime I got sick.  All I get is popsicles.  =)

I swear, Jasmine will never get any teeth in.  She still just gums everything to death.  It would be much easier to introduce her to new foods if she had some chompers to eat with.  She's recently learned how to wave bye bye and she actually said it to my brother today.  Whether she was saying on purpose or not, I don't know.  He was walking out of the room at the time.  She's also trying to say Kitty.  Once and a while when she pulls herself up, she'll let go and see how long she can balance.  It's only a matter of time now.

"Eye" Faint

*Gasp*  I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted anything on here!!  We've all been sick on and off this month so nothing terribly exciting has happened.   

I had an eye exam today so I could get a prescription for  glasses and contacts.  This wasn't the first one I've ever had so I knew what to expect.  The tech put numbing drops in my eyes and then proceded to take the pressure in my eye.  As soon as that thing touched my eye, I felt like I was going to pass out.  Normally, I can feel it coming on but not this time.  They had a nurse come and take my blood pressure... it was 78 over 36.  My husband said he's seen animals on the side of the road with a better pb.  I got to sit there forever even though I kept telling them I was fine.  The doc says it happens a lot more than you would think.  She says some people just have really sensitive eyes and as soon as they try to take the pressure in the eyeball, it causes and immediate drop in blood pressure.  Wonderful, another thing that makes me pass out.  My eyes are -150.  That's a lot worse than they were the last time I had an eye exam. (at least 8 years ago)

I think Jasmine has a cold.  She's had a fever for a few days.  It hasn't went over 100.1 and she hasn't seemed too uncomfortable except at night while she tries to sleep.  She woke up about every half hour last night.  In other words, I woke up every half hour with her.  Hopefully, it's just a little cold and nothing more.  The last few days she's started to walk down the table while she's holding on.  She went right from crawling to trying to walk around.  Before long I'll been running after her through the house.

Still in pain

Years ago I was told I should have my wisdom teeth removed asap.  I ignored them since I have a terrible fear of needles.  (at least the kind that go into my veins or put drugs into my body)  About four days ago, I began having pain.  I looked in the mirror and saw that my upper left wisdom tooth was coming in funny and completely cutting into my gums.  I made an appointment for today and had some xrays.  They showed that my upper wisdom teeth are going directly into my jaw bone and my lowers are going into my molars.  Now, I have to have surgery to have them all removed.  I have a feeling it's going to be worse than if I'd just went in and had it done years ago.  I was told that I wouldn't be able to take care of my daughter for a day or two after they are removed.  Hopefully I can make the appointment for a Friday so that my husband is home.  Otherwise, she'll pick that day to be a screaming monster from hell and I'll feel like shit and still have to deal with her.  The last few days she's been great so the screaming monster should be coming out soon.  Any way, I'll still end up with the needles, only it will be a needle putting me to sleep and I'll end up more sore than I would've had I just went in and had it done when I was told to.  Nice job dummy.

My husband went to cash his tax check today.  On his way he encountered an idiot in a red ford ranger.  The guy was cutting people off and just driving like a dick.  He tried to cut my husband off on the on ramp to the bypass but he couldn't get around.  Once on the bypass he dropped back a way.  But once my husband went to get off on cleveland, he was back on his bumper.  When my husband pulled into the bank, he pulled in behind him, got out of his truck, and tried to hit my husband in the head with a nightstick.  Then when my husband couldn't get his door open (he was in the drive thru and the door was hitting the brick pillar) he called him a bitch and tried to hit him again.  Big man calling my husband a bitch when he's the one who had to bring a weapon and my husband couldn't even get out of the car.  I'm glad he couldn't because they both would've ended up in jail.  I would be glad in they could've caught the idiot in the ranger but I would've been pissed as hell if my husband had gotten arrested.  Of course the cops didn't catch him and the license plate came up with nothing.  (saying there was no such plate)  The cop said you're screwed but we'll write a report anyways.  So if you know an idiot in a red newer model ford ranger.  Tell him he's a big damn man.  And my husband would've kicked his ass, had he been able to get out of his truck.  He's 5'11, white, bald, medium build, early 30's.  And hopefully we'll see him again so he can go to jail for his roadrage problem.

Wisdom

One of my wisdom teeth, that I thought was almost all the way in, has started to move more.  It's trying to grow into my jaw bone.  I've had a pretty steady headache only on the left side of my head for a few days now.  It hurts to swallow, eat, talk, brush my teeth, everything.  I have a dentist appointment but it's not till the end of the month.  If it gets too much worse, I may have to call them back.  We're waiting till we have profit sharing so I know I can have them do whatever the insurance won't cover.  I have at least three cavities (the first I've had since I got my "adult" teeth) and then I think all these wisdom teeth are going to have to be pulled.  At least the vertigo seems to be gone now.

Me and Shawn have to go to our friend Don and Channon's house tonight for a little while to babysit their kids.  I'm not real big on babysitting but they really need us to.  He's got a job interview and she has to work.  I just hope their little boy (2 years) doesn't try to beat up Jasmine.  He's kind of a mean little boy.  He's at that age where he tries to hit everyone. 

Jasmine has learned how to crawl... backwards.  She hasn't gotten the hang of going forward yet.  I think the only reason she gets anywhere is because when she gets on her stomach, she tries to sit up, therefore going backward. 

The race card

Ok, I'm going to be one of the few white people (NON-racist white people) to say what everyone else is thinking.  Why is it that a black person can miss work constantly, screw up their job repeatedly, and do just about everything you can imagine that would normally get them fired but they get to keep their jobs.  I think it's ridiculous.  I'm so damned sick of the "is it because i'm black" BS.  I was raised to never be racist.  There's no reason for it.  No one has a choice as to what color they are born.  But goddamn it I'm getting sick of this crap.  Why is it that no one says anything?  Why are we so scared what the black guy sitting next to us is going to think if we stand-up and say something.  I've known plenty of black people that will say the exact same things I'm saying here.  And I know some of them who couldn't tell you where the underground railroad went through if you paid them.  Jews were slaughtered by the thousands in the Holocaust.  Do you hear them saying, 'is it because i'm a jew?'  Whites slaughtered native americans, gave them awful diseaes and stole every piece of viable land they had.  Once again, do you hear 'is it because i'm native american?'  The only minority out there that makes a huge deal of race is blacks.  If they didn't bring up the race card every time they didn't get their way, I seriously believe there would be less racist people out there.  By bringing the issue up at every chance, you give racist people all the more reasons to say well that's why I can't stand blacks.  AND they use the N-word to describe each other at any given moment.  I have never in my life, uttered that word.  It's just the way I was brought up.  But I will stand up for what I believe is wrong.  And quite frankly playing the race card is wrong.  Everyone who does it, knows it's wrong.  But they're too lazy to give a shit.  This is the very reason why I could never work in a large facility.  I can't keep my mouth shut.  I would say something and get called a racist, even though I'm not.  If you say anything at all, that's what you're labeled.  My husband brought up this very subject at work once and he was called a racist.  He's not the average white guy, he's Mexican.  He knows that if he put that he was latino on a jobapplication that he'd have a better chance of getting the job but he's always put caucasian.  Why should anyone get an advantage in life because of the color of their skin?  More and more, it seems like anyone who ISN'T black are the people that are getting the short end of the stick anymore.  I never enslaved anyone.  I never agreed with it.  Why should I pay for something I had no part in creating?  And just to clarify, I'm not saying every black person plays the race card or does shit like that at work.  But there is a large handful that do.  A part of me doesn't even want to post this because I can only imagine the backlash I'll receive but if I don't, who will?  Like my brother says, I'm only racist towards stupid people, no matter the color of their skin.

Around and Around and Around

I spent part of yesterday at the doctor's office.  For almost a week now I've had really bad vertigo.  Vertigo and dizziness are not the same thing for those that don't know.  Dizziness is when you spin in a chair or stand up too fast.  Vertigo feels like your moving when your not, like your brain is on a roller coaster that you didn't actually get onto with it.  Apparently I have a virus that has messed with my equilibrium.  Therefore, making me feel like crap.  It could last 6 weeks and the medicine I was given barely does anything.  So I probably won't be on here much until this is over.  It's too hard to concentrate on the little letters.

Long weekend

If it wasn't for my laptop, I would never be able to get online.  Jasmine sleeps less during the day now that she wants to try and move around.  The only time I have a chance to get on here is during one of her short naps.  She's constantly trying to stand up.  She knows what things she can grab onto without having it colapse. 

We've had a busy weekend.  Jasmine has been rather well mannered all things considered.  Friday, she stayed at Shawn's mom's house for a few hours while we took my brother to get his new car.  (a '98 Jetta) Then me and Shawn went to eat at TGI Fridays.  Afterwards we wanted to go find a pool table.  Good luck on that one.  We basically drove from place to place for hours looking for an open table.  We finally gave up.  We did stop at the Oyster Bar on the way to pick up Jasmine.  It's a really cute little bar but it smells awful.  I don't know if they were having problems with their bathrooms or what but it literally smelled like sewage.  We didn't stay long.  Saturday night we took her with us to Don and Channon's house.  Paul came along too.  We played Scene it and Mad Gab.  I hated them both.  My brain is about 5 seconds slower than everyone else's when it comes to those games.  I think I answered 2 questions all night.  Thankfully, we were playing in teams otherwise I would've looked like a real ass.  I got to hold Channon's baby.  He's 3 weeks old and a premie.  It felt like I was only holding a blanket.  He's still jaundice and not gaining weight very fast.  Jasmine got a little jealous and spent most of the rest of the night throwing fits.  Monday I didn't go to sleep till almost 4 in the afternoon.  We had to take the cat to the vet and we left early.  Too early for me to have been to bed yet, go figure.  Jasmine also hadn't been asleep very long.  We had to wait for over an hour, which was completely ridiculous since there was only one person ahead of us.  Then they told us that my cat only had an upper respiritory infection.  She's lost around 5 pounds in a month and only recently started showing signs of a possible infection.  They only took blood work to see if she had feline luekemia.  I wanted them to do a full cbc, they wanted only to give her antibiotics and flea medicine.  Lovely.  Afterwards, we decided to go look at some houses.  We're looking into the manufactered homes.  I actually found one I really like.  The only place we could get land and have barnyard animals is in Mill Creek, even father from Shawn's work.  For now we're just looking.  We don't even have a down payment yet.  Tuesday, my uncle was having back surgery so I got Jasmine up around 8:30am and went to the hospital to sit and wait.  He was in surgery for almost 4 hours.  Everything went well.  He'll be off work for 3 months.  Anyone who knows my uncle, knows that he's going to go stir crazy.  He's not the kind of guy that likes to sit around and do nothing.  The only time he ever sits still is when a Steeler game is on or Survivor is on. 

Jasmine and my sleep schedule is all screwed up now.  Last week we weren't even getting up till 6pm and this week we've been up almost everyday by 8:30am.  I like my sleep so I hate getting up early.  She seems to be doing fine with it though. 

Jasmine on the move

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I've been... busy.  Ok, I've been obsessively playing computer games.  My mom and I both bought cheap computer games and I haven't been able to stop playing them.  One is Super Collapse and the other is Zuma.  They're sort of like puzzle games. 

This weekend should be very busy for us.  Tomorrow night (friday) we're either supposed to go see a movie with Brandon and Teri or go bowling/play pool (keep your fingers crossed for playing pool) with Don and Channon.  Saturday we're going with Don and Channon to a cub scouts thing for Don's kid.  Don't ex-wife will be there with all of her family (she's a total nutcase) and Channon doesn't want to be left alone since Don will be spending a lot of time with his son, Zack.  Sunday is always an "off" day for me and Shawn.  It's a day that we try not to make any plans or go too many places.  Monday I'm taking one of my cats to the vet.  Sweety hasn't been acting right for a few weeks now and has been steadily losing weight for a month.  She usually goes rigid when you pick her up (she hates to be held) but recently has just been going limp.  Plus, she's normally a huge purr'er (i know i made that word up) but now it takes a mircle to get her to purr.  I just feel like there's really something wrong with her.  So I'm going to spend what's left of my xmas money and hope it's enough to have some blood tests done and maybe a fecal.  I wanted to get another tattoo but that can wait.  My cat's health and my piece of mind is more important.

Jasmine has started pulling herself up to a standing position.  You'd think I would be excited.  I'm not.  She'll be sitting behind me and try to use my hair to pull herself up or any other tend body part that she can find.  She's taken to pinching the under part of my bicep.  If you don't know how that feels, reach over right now and give yourself a little pinch.  Stings doesn't it?  She's leaving bruises on my arms.  People probably think Shawn's abusing me.  They'd never think it's actually my 7 month old daughter.  Now that she's figured out how to pull herself up, she wants to move all the time.  If she's awake, she's moving.  I'm going to have a hell of a time when she does start walking.