Feeling Better

I'm feeling much better today and thank you all for being so supportive. Writing it out made it seem a little easier. I guess, it's not so much that no one wants to listen to me, I try not to say anything a lot of the time because I don't want to upset anyone. I think I made my mom feel a little like she's making things worse for me. She's been the most supportive person in my life and it's not her fault when she tries to help. No matter what she or anyone else says, it gets taken the wrong way. There's nothing anyone can really do to help and just having her shoulder to cry on and to bitch to, has meant the world. Everything that's good in me, is because of her. I love you mommy! ;) 

I haven't really been awake a real long time and yet, it's been hectic. I kept waking up, feeling like I had water in my ear or something. There was a weird noise too. Not like a ringing but like something was moving around. It eventually went away but tomorrow, just for peace of mind, all the cats and dogs are getting ear mite meds. It weirds me out to think of something crawling in my ear. Then, my mom comes home from work and I let two of the cats out into the house, the stray and one that we adopted from my work, Tuffy. We were downstairs talking and heard the cockatiel and the parakeets start squawking. They always do that so I usually ignore it but my mom said it sounded different and I should go check. Sure enough, Tuffy had one of my parakeets, Gallum, in his mouth. Somehow the bird got out of his cage. I'll just have to keep him warm and keep an eye on him. Not much else I can do. He's going to be seperated from the other birds. And I'm going to keep the stress levels low. Poor guy, I hope he does ok. Well, I'd better go to bed. Tomorrow is store day and as usual, I've got to get up early.

Depressed Entries 1

Ok, this time I am going to bitch and moan throughout my entry.  I just don't where to start.  I've had depression for years and I've been on PaxilCR for almost a year now.  It's helped, some.  This past month, I've felt more depressed than I have in a good five years.  I don't want to do anything, go anywhere or talk to anyone, including the people I live with.  Somedays, I just feel like what's the point in even getting out of bed when all I am to everyone is one big ass burden.  I don't pay for any of the animals I own, I don't contribute in any way to most of the house work.  Oh, I'll do a load of laundry here and there or wash the dishes once in a great while but that's about the extent of it.  I really think I'd just stay in bed most days, if the dogs didn't have to go out and the rest of the animals didn't need to be fed.  I've pretty much lost all contact with the people I live with.  We're in the same house, we talk everyday but I don't feel like they know me anymore.  DH doesn't even act like he's noticed there's been a change in my attitude.  We've had like three "real" conversations in the past month and he acts like nothing is wrong.  My brother just bitches because I sleep all day and he can't get into my room to play on the PS2.  My mom bitches because I don't do anything, I don't take care of myself, I don't have a job or my license, etc. etc.  DH bitches about the animals almost constantly.  Goddamned dogs this and goddamned cats that.  It's not wonder I have so many "goddamned" animals.  You'll never have an animal talk back, make you feel like shit or even dislike you.  I can always count on my animals to be understanding and just be there when I need them, even if they have no idea the impact they're making by falling off the bed or chasing a fly.  Everyone around me makes me feel like it doesn't bother me that I don't have a job or anything of the things that normal people my age have.  Sure it bothers me. 

My Depressed entries 2

Most nights I sit up hating myself because I can't be what everyone else seems to want me to be.  I stopped trying a long time ago to do anything.  All throughout my childhood my dad made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough for him.  No matter how much I busted my ass to make it the best I could, in whatever I was doing.  So eventually I stopped trying to do anything at all.  Most days I just feel "here."  I go through my day, do what needs to be done and go back to sleep.  I don't even bother telling anyone how I feel anymore.  They've heard it all before and I think they stopped listening a long time ago.  I might as well complain to the dog for all it's worth.  Whenever I tell anyone anything, I get told "how do you think that makes me feel?"  Well, hold on, let me see... uh I don't care how badly my depression makes you feel.  I can't help it and I shouldn't be made to feel like shit because I have it.  I'd really like to just lay in bed and cry most of the day, without worrying how it effects "everyone" else or how badly it makes them feel.  I can't though.  I have to go through every day and act like I'm halfway normal so as not to upset anyone else.  God forbid I should have problems of my own.  I'm not allowed to have problems.  What kind of problems or worries should I have?  I don't have a job or responsiblities so I'm expected to be happy and problem free.  I've been told, to get over it, deal with it, blah blah blah, like I haven't tried to deal with it or get over it.  Basically all that's saying is, just don't talk to me about it that way I'll feel better because I don't have to be aware of the fact that you feel so terrible.  I should probably explain the reason why I don't talk to friends or family about my depression.  Five years ago, after my best friend killed himself, I slit my wrist.  Now, I feel like if I so much as say that I'm sad, everyone is rushing to hide the razor blades and the pills.  Come on people, just because I'm depressed doesn't mean that's going to happen again.  I really don't feel like anyone understands me.  I know there's other people out there that have similar depression and even similar problems but I really don't feel like they understand me. 

My Depressed Entries 3

Because if they do, they have a really shitty way of showing it.  Most of the time their "comforting" just makes me feel worse.  "Comforting" is lecturing and trying to tell me how I should be and what I should do.  Don't you think I know what I need to do?!?!  I know all the things I should do, I just don't know how to make myself go out and do it.  I definitely don't say that anymore though.  I get told, just do it.  Ok, yeah it may be that easy for you but it's not for me.  I have major mental problems.  Easy things for "normal" people are hard as hell for me.  I really need a shrink.  Too bad I can't afford one, because I don't have a job.  My doctor (regular physician) has tried to help me find "cheap" shrinks but we dissagree as to where I should go.  He usually gives me a list of religious places that consel at low cost or for free.  Yeah, well, me and religion, we have a little problem.  I don't believe in religion, god or anything relating to it.  *Gasp* I know, you all think I'm going to hell.  But if that's the case, then there's probably a lot of nice people in hell that went there just because they didn't believe in "god."  I'll take my chances thank you.  The religious people tell me to find god and I'll find what's missing in me and fill the void.  Sorry, that's not going to happen.  I'm one of those people that belives in science.  Not what some guys wrote 1000 odd years ago.  Now, that's not to say I hate religious people.  Most of my friends go to church and we have many debates on what's right and what's wrong, etc., etc.  Well, I think I've made this entry quite long enough.  I'm guaranteed to go over the 2500 character limit with this one.  Sorry for the whining bithcing and moaning.  I've got to talk to someone, even if it's just to the computer. 

Boredom

I was originally going to use this particular journal entry for a great deal of bitching whining and moaning.There's a part of me that would still like to but I'm in a little bit better of a mood than I was a little while ago and I'd like to try and keep it that way.That nasty little depression monster has been roaring it's little head a great deal the last few months and I've been a little more on the depressed side than usual so don't be surprised if some of my future entries are a little bit too.Fairly normal,boring day today.I couldn't go to sleep last night, at all.Probably because I slept all yesterday because we didn't have any electricity, thanks AEP.I didn't end up falling asleep until about 3pm today and woke up at 9pm.I'm feeling pretty tired right now though, so hopefully, I'll be able to fall asleep before noon.I cleaned out Hannah, the gerbil's cage today.I always feel a little guilty cleaning out all that old bedding.She seems to get all her little tunnels, just the way she likes them and then I have to go and mess them all up.She's getting a lot of excersice at least.She keeps running from one habitrail, to another and is pushing everything around the way she likes it.I've decided not to get another gerbil once she dies.I'm going to get two female mice from the pet store.These mice are usually used as feeder mice, so they put the males and the females all together, 99 times out of 100, you're going to get a pregnant female.I've been a part of two mice births.The one mouse gave birth to so many that I eventually stopped counting.Only three survived, only to have the cage knocked over a few months later and become a cat treat.I was very upset.They were my first mice babies.I'd never seen a pinkie except on tv until I had those mice.DH isn't aware of this fact yet.I don't think he'll mind too much.They like the gerbil, require a small amount of care and don't eat a great deal of food.That's always his main concern, how much will it cost me?I can understand that but it gets annoying afterwhile.Well, I'm going to go check on the stray cat one last time.I'm starting to get way too attached to that cat.If she is pregnant, I want to document it all so I know what to look for next time.After a few years, you begin to foget what to look for.

 

Typical Day

Today was extremely boring. We had a thunder storm and lost power, for over 6 hours. So I figured I'd tell you all about a typical day in my house. A lot of people seem to think I'm lazy because I don't have a "real" job and I'm not exactly a homemaker so maybe this will convince some of them that I'm not as lazy as I may seem.

Let's see, where to start. Well, everyday all the cats need to be fed. My cats, the foster cats and the new little stray. They are always in need of water. I literally bring up 3 gallons of water a day! The birds water must be changed daily, no exceptions. Everyother day, the litter boxes need to be cleaned. Sounds easy right? Well, there's 4 litter boxes to clean. With a total of 11 cats using those litter boxes. We buy a 38lb. box of kitty litter every week. (yes I said 38lbs!!) The bunnies need food once a day and go through water about twice a day. The dogs have to be let out several times a day and need to be fed at night and in the morning, morning's my mom takes care of. They too go through a lot of water everyday. The gerbil needs almost no care at all. I compare having a gerbil to having a moving rock. Ellie, the senegal parrot, needs one on one attention at least twice a day. Even on the days where she's not being the sweetest bird in the world, I still have to work with her or suffer the consequences later. Once a week, everyone needs a clean cage. Ellie, needs fresh fruits and veggies once a day. And then of course, there's the days when horses get loose and cats get stuck in tress. LOL Every two weeks, all bird cages needed to be "remodeled" or they become bored with their toys. Good thing about having two parakeet cages, you can switch their toys and they think they're getting new ones. Cats need to have their nails trimmed every one to two weeks. One of my cats has to be shaved every summer, he gets too hot and he gets horribly matted. I think that's about the extent of it. Later on I'd like to share with you some of my baby animal delivering experiences. I never thought about it until the other day when I mentioned the kitty that I helped deliver. For now though, I have clocks to reset and alarms that need to be reset as well, or else the whole house will sleep till noon and miss work and school.

Paint fumes

I haven't been feeling real great the last few days. I don't really feel sick, just not 100%. Every couple of hours my face feels real flushed and hot but the rest of me is usually cold. Other than that, I feel completely normal. It could be because we started painting the bathroom two days ago. It seems like that's about the time this started. We're painting it yellow and then sponging blue over top of it. When we get our own place I want to paint the bathroom dark, rich colors. I want it to be someplace comfortable and calming where you can light a bunch of candles, turn the radio on and sit in the bubbles for hours.

Yesterday, we went and got horse feed. While we were there, I got my seeds. Morning glories, 4 o'clocks, petunia's, sunflower's, orange pumpkins and something I've never seen before, white pumpkin's! I can't wait to see what those look like. I also got another frog. This one was because the other one is all alone now and I felt bad for him/her and it a friend.

I think I was trying to go for a record on getting hurt the most times in the shortest amount of time today. First, I had one of the foster cats run across my toe and slice it open. Then, when I was making lasagne, I burned myself with boiling water and then on the lasagne pan when it was fresh out of the oven. I still haven't found the family of the little stray, you ever get the feeling I'm not going to? I really hope she's not pregnant, but if she is, I have a lot of experience delivering kittens. I can't even count the cats that showed up on our front door pregnant. The last one, I literally had to help deliver her kittens. Looking back on it, I think geez, that was disgusting but at the time I didn't even think about it. The last kitten, was stuck in the birth canal and the cat wouldn't push anymore so I had to stick my hand in there and deliver it for her. Yeah I know, too much information huh?  LOL