The Dogs of Babel

Yesterday, while in Barnes and Noble, I spotted a book that I had read about months ago.  At the time I had wanted the book and I knew yesterday that I still wanted it.  I was strongly drawn to it for no reason that I can come up with.  I'm glad I decided to buy it.  I finished it today.  It's a wonderful book that I can't reccomend enough.  The Dogs of Babel A novel By Carolyn Parkhurst.  As far as I can find, this is her first novel and a wonderful one at that.  It's a look at how one man deals with the unexpected death of his wife and takes you through all his stages of grief, however strange they may be.  If you ever feel like reading a really good novel, I suggest this one.  I'm going out tomorrow to buy The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.  I wanted to copy a paragraph from The Dogs onto the journal for all of you to read.  I'll explain my reasoning after I've copied it down.

Suicide is just a moment, Lexy told me.  This is how she described it to me.  For just a moment, it doesn't matter that you've got people who love you and that the sun is shining and there's a movie coming out this weekend that you've been dying to see.  It hits you all of a sudden that nothing is ever going to be okay, ever, and you kind of dare yourself: Is this it?  You start thinking that you've known this was coming all along, but don't know if today's going to be the day.  And if you think about it too much, it's probably not.  But you dare yourself.  You pick up a knife and press it gently to your skin, you look out a nineteenth-story window and you think, I could just do it.  I could just do it.  And most of the time, you look at the height and you get scared, or you think about the poor people on the sidewalk below - what if there are kids coming home from school and they have to spend the rest of their lives trying to forget this terrible thing you're going to make them see?  And the moment's over.  You think about how sad it would've been if you never got to see that movie, and you look at your dog and wonder who would've taken care of her if you had gone.  And you go back to normal.  But you keep it there in your mind.  Even if you never take yourself up on it, it gives you a kind of comfort to know that the day is yours to choose.  You tuck it away in your brain like sour candy tucked in your sheek, and the puckering memory it leaves behind, the rough pleasure of running  your tongue over its strange terrain, is exactly the same.

In my opinion, that's what it's like.  Suicide is just a moment.  It's not something you go through always, it's just a moment in time.  And just with any other strong memory, you carry it with you always.  I'm not ashamed of my attempt at suicide all those years ago.  I wear my scars like a badge of honor.  I made it.  I lived through the worst time of my life, somehow.  If I could make it through that, I can make it through anything.  In times of doubt, pain and grief, I run my finger over that scar, sometimes, unknowingly because it gives me the strength to get through the next obstacle.  When someone asks about it, I tell them everything they want to know, I hold nothing back.  I feel they're asking for a reason, a reason known only to them but that they honestly need to know the answers to their questions.  If I don't answer them honestly, how can I possibly help them?  I guess only those that have gone through that deep of despair can truly understand how I can consider something of strength.  It's hard for a "normal" person to imagine seriously considering taking their own life.  They wonder how you could be so selfish but for that one moment, all those other things in your life no longer matter.  It takes over your life, and your mind.  For that one moment, you no longer control who you are.  What's stranger yet is, during that one moment, you feel calmer and more in control of your life than you had in months.  You stand there, seriously considering how to do yourself in and you feel calm.  To come back from that, I think anyone should consider being strong.  To pull yourself out of that, well it takes some major work.  Once that moment is over for you, it's over but for others it takes much longer for them to leave that moment behind.  They're the sane ones, the ones that wonder what the hell is wrong with your brain to make you attempt such a thing.  You can see it in their eyes for months.  They watch very carefully what they say and worry that they may have said something to send you back to that moment.  But it's not a sentence or an event that sends you to that moment.  It's many sentences and many events all conviently at the wrong time in your life that put you in that moment.  You wonder if things had happened a little differently, if you would've still considered it.  But if you live through it, you learn.  What doesn't kill us, really does make us stronger, no matter how painful it is to get through those things.

My Tribute to Favre

Today was my 22nd birthday.  We went out to eat and then went shopping.  I stopped at Borders and got a book that I've been wanting since I found out about it.  If you don't know, I'm a huge Packers fan.  Recently, a book came out that is called Favre.  It was written by Brett Favre and Bonita Favre.  (his mother)  In the last year, Brett has went through many tragic events in his private life, his father died in a car accident, his brother-in-law died, and his wife, Deanna found out she had breast cancer.  A lesser man might have threw in the towel.  Not Brett.  The night after his father died was a Monday night game, Green Bay against the Raiders.  No one honestly expected Brett to play.  It was too much to ask of any man no matter how much he loved the game but Brett knew his dad would've wanted him to play that game.  I've never seen a football game like that and I don't believe anyone else that watched that game had either.  I think that even the usually rowdy Raiders fans were in awe of what Brett was accomplishing that night.  He was playing for the man he loved the most in the world, his father.  I've been a Packers fan since the beginning of season '94, just before Brett went into rehab for his addiction to pain killers.  I am first and foremost a Favre fan.  Where he goes, I go and I believe that half of the Green Bay fans feel the same way.  When he's feeling pain, we feel it with him, when he grieves, we grieve too.  We love him as if he was a member of our family because in a lot of ways, for Green Bay fans, he is.  He's in our home every Sunday for four hours or more.  We share our dinner with him, our family and our lives.  I can only hope that Brett won't listen to the nah-sayers and will continue to play until the game doesn't bring him that thrill.  My most cherished Favre memories will be when Freeman would catch an impossible throw in the end zone to win the game, it's that look on Brett's face that I will always carry with me and what keeps me coming back season after season.  You won't see that expression on any other quarterbacks face.  I explain it to everyone like he's in high school and every touchdown throw is his first.  He's just as happy with the first touchdown of a game as he is with the last one.  No matter when Favre decides to retire, he will go down as a legend with Lombardi, the late Reggie White and the entire Packer history.  We love you Brett, where ever you go in the next few years, we'll understand.

Merry Christmas All

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.  I just haven't gotten around to writing on here.  It's been busy as I'm sure it has been for most of you.  On Wednesday night, I was busy wrapping presents when I took a break to check my mail.  Molly (the newest doggie addition to our house, I'll add pictures soon) came in acting a little strangely.  Upon closer look, I noticed she had a nasty gash just above her right eye.  I immediately took her into the kitchen and had my brother pet her so I could take a look at it to see if it needed a vet.  It was deep enough that I thought it might have punctured the area around the back of her eye.  I woke my mom up to see what she wanted to do.  (it was after 11)  Almost as soon as she saw it, we decided to take her to the emergency vet clinic.  I called them when we were on the way to explain what we were coming in with and told them we'd be there in 45 minutes.  When we got there they were ready for us.  We went back to a room first.  Molly did very well.  She wagged her tail for the doctor.  The only thing she did badly was sit still. LOL The doctor was a nice guy and I really liked him.  He made some jokes because me and my mom had been talking about whether or not my dog had caused Molly's wounds (she didn't, it was a tear, not something a dog could have done) and he asked if we wanted to do some CSI stuff and take a saliva swab.  Just joking of course.  He took her in the back and gave her a strong sedative called dormitor.  She was out within seconds.  I was happy he allowed us to stay and watch the whole thing.  He roughed up the area with a scaple.  He explained the reasoning for that, there's no straight lines in nature and when one is put there, it looks wrong.  He then began to put stitches in.  They were to be completely under the skin so you couldn't even see them and they were self desolving.  I've never watched stitches put it so I thought it was pretty neat.  They also gave her some torb and lidicane, both pain relievers and anti-inflammitory.  Then he gave her a reveral for the dormitor and brought her into the lobby where she would wake up after a few minutes.  She has to go back to the doctor in a few days but she should heal ok.  He put in at least ten stitches and was very careful to make sure that her eye would look the same as the other one.  It was drooping when we first brought her in because there was nothing holding up her eyelid.  Recently she's started messing with her eye.  I'm sure it's itchy from healing and the hair growing back.  If she doesn't knock it off, I'll have to put a cone around her neck. 

I got a really nice camera from Shawn for Christmas.  It's a Cannon EOS RebelT2.  It's got tons of features and lots of buttons.  I've spent the last two days trying to figure out how to get it to work and what all the buttons do.  I got some gift certificates, one to Barnes and Noble where I got a few books.  I also got cute socks, more books, a rocker/glider chair, video games and much more.  Well that's all for now.  On the 30th I have a doctor's appointment, hopefully I can get an ultrasound then.  I'll let you all know how it goes.

Christmas Shopping

Holiday shopping can be a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes.  I've got a list of people in front of me that I plan to buy gifts for, even if it's just something small.  Some people were easier to shop for than others, probably because I know some of them better than others and therefore know what they would like the most.  My mom for one was an easy person to get gifts for, but my grandfather on the otherhand is the hardest person for me to buy for every year.  He doesn't want anything and he really doesn't need anything.  I really hate to get him a gift certificate and nothing else but he does like to eat out.  My dad and his wife I'll be getting gift certificates for but those were the only people I was going to do that with.  The only thing I can think of for my grandpa is a sweater or a sweatshirt.  I'm just really not sure.  My mom got him a sweater already so I don't know if we should do the same.  I've got a list in front of me of the things I want to go buy tomorrow and a list of the stores we'll have to visit.  Some people I know what I want to get them but I have to go to several different stores to find the right one.  Right now, there is 14, possibly 15 stores that we will be at some point tomorrow afternoon.  That's a lot of crowds to deal with.  Most of those stores are in the mall, which might even make it worse.  Plus, I want to look at baby stuff because we're going to be buying some of those bigger items soon and I'd like to pin down just which ones we want.  At some point and time I'm going to be forced to use a (gasp) public bathroom, since I'm pregnant, it's inevitable.  This is ridiculous, there's 11 people on my list and I'm going to end up at 14 or more stores.  I don't mind the shopping, I love spending money, I mind the PEOPLE.  They bump into you, are rude and walk too slow or they'll stand in the middle of the isles like they own the place.  I'm going to come home grouchy, and sore for sure. 

Got My Card

I got my Medicaid card today!!!!  =)  I'm not sure exactly what is covered.  It says: Doctor's Office Visits, Hospital services, Health clinic services, Laboratory and X-ray services, Emergency treatment services, Family planning services, Mental health services, Mental health services, Prescription drugs, Medical equipment and supplies, Rehabilitative therapies, Transportation to health care services, Vision care, Dental care ($600 a year limit) Nursing home and hospice care, Case management services.  But I don't know if that means those things are paid in full by Medicaid or what procedures are covered.  I mean, it says vision care but I'm sure that laser eye surgery isn't included in that.  I've done some looking online but can't find anything that is any more elaborate than what I recieved in the mail.  I may have to ask my case worker about that or ask if there's some pamplet or something that describes it better.  For now I'm just happy I got the card.  I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about medical expenses anymore.  It's one less thing to stress me out and believe me, I stress easily since I'm pregnant.  I read online that MY medicaid could be taken away once the baby is born, even though people with children qualify.  I have a feeling I'm going to have to go through a whole new set of ordeals.  I was offered food stamps at the DFC but I declined them.  I'm only going to use what I need.  I'm sure I qualified for just about any kind of assistance the state provides but I don't NEED it so I'll continue to decline those as well.  I don't know what the limitations are on some of those things and I could actually NEED them someday and not qualify because I already used it.  Well, I'd better find something to eat for lunch or I'll pay for it later.

Shopping

Things are a little better today.  I went and had a talk with Shawn about what's been bothering me and it sounds like he and I will be going shopping alone on Saturday.  I usually wouldn't  have him do that to one of his friends but I thought just once I was going to ask him to do something for me.  The reason I say sounds like is because he had said before that I could go with him and his friend and then at the last minute acted like he forgot.  I've just been really stressed out this past month.  Feel like I'm in this mostly on my own.  Well, I've got a migraine so I'm going to go lay down.

Since no one else wants to discuss this with me, I guess I'm going to post it on my journal.  Apparently, Shawn made plans for Friday to go Xmas shopping with his friend Justin and then again on Saturday with his friend Paul.  I guess I just wasn't at the top of his priority list when he was thinking about who might have things they want to buy.  I feel like since he's making all the money, that I have no say so in what is bought for Xmas for MY family.  Again, his friends come before I do.  The only thing he's worried about is proving he's right and not figuring out the REASON I'm upset.  Now he's upstairs pouting for something HE did.  This always happens.  I get upset about something and he gets pissed off at me for being upset in the first place.  Now he's trying to get me to go shopping either AFTER he and Justin go or WITH him and Paul.  Gee, thanks honey, I'm glad I'm so important to you.  When I tried to explain to him why I didn't want to go with him and Paul, he gets shitty.  Well, let's see here, I would be the third wheel, HIS girlfriend.  They would spend the entire day making fun of me and by the time I got to go home I would feel miserable and just want to spend the night crying.  It'd be nice to have my feelings thought of once and a while instead of his friends coming first but I guess he'd have to run out of friends before that would happen.