A mother's pain

I don't know this mother or her child.  I don't even know someone that knows them.  But I stumbled across their story on another website called inked nation (for us weirdo tattoo'd and pierced people).  It breaks my heart to read the mother's journal entries as she deals with the life threatening, rare cancer that ravages her body.   

 

http://www.care4jessicarose.org/index.htm

I have hours only lonely

I feel like a heroin addict in need of a fix.  My hands are shaky.  Sweat sticks to my skin.  I feel nauseous.  I take a steaming shower to try and burn away some of the withdrawal symptoms.  I finally, painfully, give in to the need.  The little pink pill that beckons my name.  The little pill that won't let me go.  Again and again it pulls me back into it's web, like a fly who has struggled against it's stickiness for hours and finally feels his wings pull free, he's snatched back by a brisk wind only to be stuck worse than he was before.  My words are like venom.  Quick and painful.  Against my will their fangs land on the nearest victim.  This sickness in me, this cancer that no chemo can cure.  No drug strong enough to rid it of my body. 

 

My pill is not that of an illegal substance.  It's prescribed to me, as it has been for years.  Paxil holds me hostage.  I'm as close to normal as I will ever be when I'm on it.  Once again, I have tried and failed to switch to another anti-depressant.  Once again I have been a disappointment.  It's a good thing I never did any hard drugs, there's no way I could've ever pulled free from them.  I can't handle the shaking, sweating and mood swings.  I don't like my quick temper when I'm not on it, my willingness to hurt those I love without a backward glance.  All I ask is to be like you.  Normal without the need of a pill to make me that way.  Do I even know what normal is?  Is this how normal people feel?  Normal "happy" people.  Do happy people sabotage themselves over and over again?  Do they despise themselves sometimes?  Are they lonely when surrounded by a crowd?  I have no idea what normal is.  I have no idea what it feels like to be happy without pills.  To hell with people like Tom Cruise who think a cure for depression is as easy as a jog and a few sit ups.  Those people know nothing of the emptiness of real depression.  It's lonely, endless and hopeless. 

I love this girl

We've been avoiding the animal planet channel lately.  There's a commercial on there for the aspca and everytime it comes on, Jasmine cries.  It starts off with a song by sarah mclachlan (in the arms of an angel) and shows some abused animals.  The song is what gets her attention and then she starts to cry.  Not like a screaming cry but her lip curls and tears silently stream down her little face.  Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.  I don't know if it's the music that affects her or the animals.  It's happened several times though so something about that particular commercial is upsetting her.  I've always felt like she was a little more empathetic than most kids her age.  Sure, she can be a mean little monster with the temper of a rabid cat but she has her other moments.  Where she's tender and loving.  When you're in pain, she will hug you and pat your arm or face.  When you sneeze or cough, she goes out of her way to come rub your arm or back.  When my IBS is at it's worst, she's willing to brave the bathroom with me and pats my arm and leg the whole time we're there.  She is my little bipolar angel.   I love this kid more than I could ever love anything.  And hey who knows, maybe that commercial is just the beginning.  Maybe she'll grow up to become someone who puts a stop to animal cruelty or make tougher laws for offenders.  I don't care what she does as long as she's happy.  Although we'd have a lot more in common if that life was something containing animals.  Ok, now I'm off to curl up in bed with my little one wrapped in my arms. 

Tags: Jasmine, animal planet, growing up

Lost

I wish the people in my life would stop self destructing.  I wish that they would see that what they are doing is self destructive.  I can't fix them.  Especially if they don't want to be fixed.  I wish they did.  I would do anything to help the people I love.  I just don't know how to help.  What's really frustrating is that I've been where they are right now and done the things they've done, felt what they're feeling and yet I have no idea what to say or do.  It's not like at that time I was thinking, gee I wonder what I would do to help myself if I wasn't me.  I'm just lost right now.

So cold

It is -7 degrees right now.  So far we've had a HIGH of -4.  The windchill is -26.  If you don't know what windchill is, it's what it FEELS like with the wind.  We have a windchill advisory till TUESDAY.  It's SOOOOOO cold here. 

GNR

I've been listening to a LOT of guns n roses lately.  I've always been a fan.  Hell, I was born a GNR fan.  I even plan on getting a tribute tattoo with some of the lyrics from civil war.  I really think Bush needs to listen to this song and hear what's being said.  I think it's how most americans feel right now.

"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach...
So, you get what we had here last week,
which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N' I don't like it any more than you men." *


Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they've always done before


Look at the hate we're breeding
Look at the fear we're feeding
Look at the lives we're leading
The way we've always done before


My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can't deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars


D'you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said "Peace could last forever"
And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can't trust freedom
When it's not in your hands
When everybody's fightin'
For their promised land


And
I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
I don't need your civil war


Look at the shoes your filling
Look at the blood we're spilling
Look at the world we're killing
The way we've always done before
Look in the doubt we've wallowed
Look at the leaders we've followed
Look at the lies we've swallowed
And I don't want to hear no more


My hands are tied
For all I've seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
'Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars


"We practice selective annihilation of mayors
And government officials
For example to create a vacuum
Then we fill that vacuum
As popular war advances
Peace is closer" **


I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
And I don't need your civil war
I don't need your civil war
I don't need your civil war
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
I don't need your civil war
I don't need one more war


I don't need one more war
Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway

Tags: Guns N Roses, War, Civil War, Bush