The Dogs of Babel

Yesterday, while in Barnes and Noble, I spotted a book that I had read about months ago.  At the time I had wanted the book and I knew yesterday that I still wanted it.  I was strongly drawn to it for no reason that I can come up with.  I'm glad I decided to buy it.  I finished it today.  It's a wonderful book that I can't reccomend enough.  The Dogs of Babel A novel By Carolyn Parkhurst.  As far as I can find, this is her first novel and a wonderful one at that.  It's a look at how one man deals with the unexpected death of his wife and takes you through all his stages of grief, however strange they may be.  If you ever feel like reading a really good novel, I suggest this one.  I'm going out tomorrow to buy The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.  I wanted to copy a paragraph from The Dogs onto the journal for all of you to read.  I'll explain my reasoning after I've copied it down.

Suicide is just a moment, Lexy told me.  This is how she described it to me.  For just a moment, it doesn't matter that you've got people who love you and that the sun is shining and there's a movie coming out this weekend that you've been dying to see.  It hits you all of a sudden that nothing is ever going to be okay, ever, and you kind of dare yourself: Is this it?  You start thinking that you've known this was coming all along, but don't know if today's going to be the day.  And if you think about it too much, it's probably not.  But you dare yourself.  You pick up a knife and press it gently to your skin, you look out a nineteenth-story window and you think, I could just do it.  I could just do it.  And most of the time, you look at the height and you get scared, or you think about the poor people on the sidewalk below - what if there are kids coming home from school and they have to spend the rest of their lives trying to forget this terrible thing you're going to make them see?  And the moment's over.  You think about how sad it would've been if you never got to see that movie, and you look at your dog and wonder who would've taken care of her if you had gone.  And you go back to normal.  But you keep it there in your mind.  Even if you never take yourself up on it, it gives you a kind of comfort to know that the day is yours to choose.  You tuck it away in your brain like sour candy tucked in your sheek, and the puckering memory it leaves behind, the rough pleasure of running  your tongue over its strange terrain, is exactly the same.

In my opinion, that's what it's like.  Suicide is just a moment.  It's not something you go through always, it's just a moment in time.  And just with any other strong memory, you carry it with you always.  I'm not ashamed of my attempt at suicide all those years ago.  I wear my scars like a badge of honor.  I made it.  I lived through the worst time of my life, somehow.  If I could make it through that, I can make it through anything.  In times of doubt, pain and grief, I run my finger over that scar, sometimes, unknowingly because it gives me the strength to get through the next obstacle.  When someone asks about it, I tell them everything they want to know, I hold nothing back.  I feel they're asking for a reason, a reason known only to them but that they honestly need to know the answers to their questions.  If I don't answer them honestly, how can I possibly help them?  I guess only those that have gone through that deep of despair can truly understand how I can consider something of strength.  It's hard for a "normal" person to imagine seriously considering taking their own life.  They wonder how you could be so selfish but for that one moment, all those other things in your life no longer matter.  It takes over your life, and your mind.  For that one moment, you no longer control who you are.  What's stranger yet is, during that one moment, you feel calmer and more in control of your life than you had in months.  You stand there, seriously considering how to do yourself in and you feel calm.  To come back from that, I think anyone should consider being strong.  To pull yourself out of that, well it takes some major work.  Once that moment is over for you, it's over but for others it takes much longer for them to leave that moment behind.  They're the sane ones, the ones that wonder what the hell is wrong with your brain to make you attempt such a thing.  You can see it in their eyes for months.  They watch very carefully what they say and worry that they may have said something to send you back to that moment.  But it's not a sentence or an event that sends you to that moment.  It's many sentences and many events all conviently at the wrong time in your life that put you in that moment.  You wonder if things had happened a little differently, if you would've still considered it.  But if you live through it, you learn.  What doesn't kill us, really does make us stronger, no matter how painful it is to get through those things.

My Tribute to Favre

Today was my 22nd birthday.  We went out to eat and then went shopping.  I stopped at Borders and got a book that I've been wanting since I found out about it.  If you don't know, I'm a huge Packers fan.  Recently, a book came out that is called Favre.  It was written by Brett Favre and Bonita Favre.  (his mother)  In the last year, Brett has went through many tragic events in his private life, his father died in a car accident, his brother-in-law died, and his wife, Deanna found out she had breast cancer.  A lesser man might have threw in the towel.  Not Brett.  The night after his father died was a Monday night game, Green Bay against the Raiders.  No one honestly expected Brett to play.  It was too much to ask of any man no matter how much he loved the game but Brett knew his dad would've wanted him to play that game.  I've never seen a football game like that and I don't believe anyone else that watched that game had either.  I think that even the usually rowdy Raiders fans were in awe of what Brett was accomplishing that night.  He was playing for the man he loved the most in the world, his father.  I've been a Packers fan since the beginning of season '94, just before Brett went into rehab for his addiction to pain killers.  I am first and foremost a Favre fan.  Where he goes, I go and I believe that half of the Green Bay fans feel the same way.  When he's feeling pain, we feel it with him, when he grieves, we grieve too.  We love him as if he was a member of our family because in a lot of ways, for Green Bay fans, he is.  He's in our home every Sunday for four hours or more.  We share our dinner with him, our family and our lives.  I can only hope that Brett won't listen to the nah-sayers and will continue to play until the game doesn't bring him that thrill.  My most cherished Favre memories will be when Freeman would catch an impossible throw in the end zone to win the game, it's that look on Brett's face that I will always carry with me and what keeps me coming back season after season.  You won't see that expression on any other quarterbacks face.  I explain it to everyone like he's in high school and every touchdown throw is his first.  He's just as happy with the first touchdown of a game as he is with the last one.  No matter when Favre decides to retire, he will go down as a legend with Lombardi, the late Reggie White and the entire Packer history.  We love you Brett, where ever you go in the next few years, we'll understand.

Merry Christmas All

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.  I just haven't gotten around to writing on here.  It's been busy as I'm sure it has been for most of you.  On Wednesday night, I was busy wrapping presents when I took a break to check my mail.  Molly (the newest doggie addition to our house, I'll add pictures soon) came in acting a little strangely.  Upon closer look, I noticed she had a nasty gash just above her right eye.  I immediately took her into the kitchen and had my brother pet her so I could take a look at it to see if it needed a vet.  It was deep enough that I thought it might have punctured the area around the back of her eye.  I woke my mom up to see what she wanted to do.  (it was after 11)  Almost as soon as she saw it, we decided to take her to the emergency vet clinic.  I called them when we were on the way to explain what we were coming in with and told them we'd be there in 45 minutes.  When we got there they were ready for us.  We went back to a room first.  Molly did very well.  She wagged her tail for the doctor.  The only thing she did badly was sit still. LOL The doctor was a nice guy and I really liked him.  He made some jokes because me and my mom had been talking about whether or not my dog had caused Molly's wounds (she didn't, it was a tear, not something a dog could have done) and he asked if we wanted to do some CSI stuff and take a saliva swab.  Just joking of course.  He took her in the back and gave her a strong sedative called dormitor.  She was out within seconds.  I was happy he allowed us to stay and watch the whole thing.  He roughed up the area with a scaple.  He explained the reasoning for that, there's no straight lines in nature and when one is put there, it looks wrong.  He then began to put stitches in.  They were to be completely under the skin so you couldn't even see them and they were self desolving.  I've never watched stitches put it so I thought it was pretty neat.  They also gave her some torb and lidicane, both pain relievers and anti-inflammitory.  Then he gave her a reveral for the dormitor and brought her into the lobby where she would wake up after a few minutes.  She has to go back to the doctor in a few days but she should heal ok.  He put in at least ten stitches and was very careful to make sure that her eye would look the same as the other one.  It was drooping when we first brought her in because there was nothing holding up her eyelid.  Recently she's started messing with her eye.  I'm sure it's itchy from healing and the hair growing back.  If she doesn't knock it off, I'll have to put a cone around her neck. 

I got a really nice camera from Shawn for Christmas.  It's a Cannon EOS RebelT2.  It's got tons of features and lots of buttons.  I've spent the last two days trying to figure out how to get it to work and what all the buttons do.  I got some gift certificates, one to Barnes and Noble where I got a few books.  I also got cute socks, more books, a rocker/glider chair, video games and much more.  Well that's all for now.  On the 30th I have a doctor's appointment, hopefully I can get an ultrasound then.  I'll let you all know how it goes.

Christmas Shopping

Holiday shopping can be a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes.  I've got a list of people in front of me that I plan to buy gifts for, even if it's just something small.  Some people were easier to shop for than others, probably because I know some of them better than others and therefore know what they would like the most.  My mom for one was an easy person to get gifts for, but my grandfather on the otherhand is the hardest person for me to buy for every year.  He doesn't want anything and he really doesn't need anything.  I really hate to get him a gift certificate and nothing else but he does like to eat out.  My dad and his wife I'll be getting gift certificates for but those were the only people I was going to do that with.  The only thing I can think of for my grandpa is a sweater or a sweatshirt.  I'm just really not sure.  My mom got him a sweater already so I don't know if we should do the same.  I've got a list in front of me of the things I want to go buy tomorrow and a list of the stores we'll have to visit.  Some people I know what I want to get them but I have to go to several different stores to find the right one.  Right now, there is 14, possibly 15 stores that we will be at some point tomorrow afternoon.  That's a lot of crowds to deal with.  Most of those stores are in the mall, which might even make it worse.  Plus, I want to look at baby stuff because we're going to be buying some of those bigger items soon and I'd like to pin down just which ones we want.  At some point and time I'm going to be forced to use a (gasp) public bathroom, since I'm pregnant, it's inevitable.  This is ridiculous, there's 11 people on my list and I'm going to end up at 14 or more stores.  I don't mind the shopping, I love spending money, I mind the PEOPLE.  They bump into you, are rude and walk too slow or they'll stand in the middle of the isles like they own the place.  I'm going to come home grouchy, and sore for sure. 

Got My Card

I got my Medicaid card today!!!!  =)  I'm not sure exactly what is covered.  It says: Doctor's Office Visits, Hospital services, Health clinic services, Laboratory and X-ray services, Emergency treatment services, Family planning services, Mental health services, Mental health services, Prescription drugs, Medical equipment and supplies, Rehabilitative therapies, Transportation to health care services, Vision care, Dental care ($600 a year limit) Nursing home and hospice care, Case management services.  But I don't know if that means those things are paid in full by Medicaid or what procedures are covered.  I mean, it says vision care but I'm sure that laser eye surgery isn't included in that.  I've done some looking online but can't find anything that is any more elaborate than what I recieved in the mail.  I may have to ask my case worker about that or ask if there's some pamplet or something that describes it better.  For now I'm just happy I got the card.  I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about medical expenses anymore.  It's one less thing to stress me out and believe me, I stress easily since I'm pregnant.  I read online that MY medicaid could be taken away once the baby is born, even though people with children qualify.  I have a feeling I'm going to have to go through a whole new set of ordeals.  I was offered food stamps at the DFC but I declined them.  I'm only going to use what I need.  I'm sure I qualified for just about any kind of assistance the state provides but I don't NEED it so I'll continue to decline those as well.  I don't know what the limitations are on some of those things and I could actually NEED them someday and not qualify because I already used it.  Well, I'd better find something to eat for lunch or I'll pay for it later.

Shopping

Things are a little better today.  I went and had a talk with Shawn about what's been bothering me and it sounds like he and I will be going shopping alone on Saturday.  I usually wouldn't  have him do that to one of his friends but I thought just once I was going to ask him to do something for me.  The reason I say sounds like is because he had said before that I could go with him and his friend and then at the last minute acted like he forgot.  I've just been really stressed out this past month.  Feel like I'm in this mostly on my own.  Well, I've got a migraine so I'm going to go lay down.

Since no one else wants to discuss this with me, I guess I'm going to post it on my journal.  Apparently, Shawn made plans for Friday to go Xmas shopping with his friend Justin and then again on Saturday with his friend Paul.  I guess I just wasn't at the top of his priority list when he was thinking about who might have things they want to buy.  I feel like since he's making all the money, that I have no say so in what is bought for Xmas for MY family.  Again, his friends come before I do.  The only thing he's worried about is proving he's right and not figuring out the REASON I'm upset.  Now he's upstairs pouting for something HE did.  This always happens.  I get upset about something and he gets pissed off at me for being upset in the first place.  Now he's trying to get me to go shopping either AFTER he and Justin go or WITH him and Paul.  Gee, thanks honey, I'm glad I'm so important to you.  When I tried to explain to him why I didn't want to go with him and Paul, he gets shitty.  Well, let's see here, I would be the third wheel, HIS girlfriend.  They would spend the entire day making fun of me and by the time I got to go home I would feel miserable and just want to spend the night crying.  It'd be nice to have my feelings thought of once and a while instead of his friends coming first but I guess he'd have to run out of friends before that would happen.

Got Medicaid??

According to the supervisor at the DFC, I now have Medicaid.  I just have to wait for my card in the mail.  We had to spend almost an hour waiting after she got my paperwork but it was worth it if I get a card in the mail within the next week.  (I was told it would be here in 48-72 hours)  So I made another appointment with my OB, since I had to cancel the one I have for Monday.  It's for December 30th at 9:15am.  I WILL have my ultrasound on that day even if it means I have to go to the hospital to get it.  I'll be five months pregnant by then.  So I have a few weeks in case DFC screws up again.  The supervisor apologized and said she was going to have a talk with my case worker.  I just think the woman didn't like me so she "accidently" lost my papers.  As soon as we got there, someone let her know we were waiting, so she packs up her stuff and leaves.  The receptionist told us that.  She was joking about it but I didn't find it to be very funny when I've been calling this woman everyday for the last week. 

Tonight, me, my brother and Shawn went out to eat at Logan's Steakhouse.  I'm usually not a red-meat person but since I've become pregnant, I've been craving it.  I got a steak, baked potato and mac and cheese, plus they give you free dinner rolls and I had three and a half of them.  Believe it or not, when we left, I was still hungry.  I'm getting ready to go find something small to eat right now.  It's ridiculous how much food I can eat now without getting close to full. 

More Medicaid Crap

DFC keeps putting me off so me and Shawn went up there on Wednesday.  I was pretty pissed by the time we got up there.  The receptionist took my information, copied it and then was supposed to have given it to the supervisor.  I was told to call them the next day, anytime after 9:30am and that they'd have it figured out by then.  I called and again my case worker said that she was busy and would call me back.  I didn't even touch the phone all day and she never called.  I called again today and got her voice mail so I pushed 0 to transfer me to the receptionist, she said she would put me on with the supervisor but only transfered me back to my case workers number.  So, I'll be back up there this afternoon since they can't seem to get their head out of their ass.  I have an appointment with WIC on January 11th.  That was the soonest appointment they had.  It's supposed to take from 1-2 hours.  I've started a baby gift registry at Wal-Mart.  It's mostly got toys and stuff on it.  I only did it because my dad is being a real pain in the ass about getting something together for "his" family to buy baby stuff.  Then he lectured me because there was only toys and some little stuff on there but I want to get a crib soon and I don't want someone else going and getting it.  Plus, we can't decide exactly what we want out of a stroller, high chair and things like that.  I don't want to put something on the registry, only to not get it and have to scramble when I'm 8 months pregnant to find the money for all those things.  So I put a $400 rocking chair on there, that'll give him something expensive to buy and maybe get him off my case. 

I'm definitely starting to show more everyday.  My brother is constantly pointing at my stomach and laughing.  The harder he laughs, the more I know I've grown.  haha  Well, I'm going to go get something to eat.  I'm starving.

No rest for the weary

I went to my nurse's appointment today.  I found out very quickly that in order to attend my first doctor's appointment this coming Monday that I must have $780 as a payment on the full amount, which comes to about $3,000.  That only covers my doctor's appointments and the hospital, that doesn't include, blood work, any kind of labs, ultrasounds, etc.  So of course, the first thing I did when I got home was call the DFC. (department of family and children) I was told she was with a client and would call me back.  I went out to get the mail and found that I had mail from the DFC.  It said that I had a new caseworker, so I called her to see what the deal was, hoping she wouldn't be busy as well.  She asked for my social security number and couldn't find it in the computer, she then asked for my last name, she said the only thing that was in the computer at all about me was my name and that I had for whatever reason been denied of my benefits.  She transfered me back to my original case worker, who of course was still busy because I had just spoken with her a few minutes before.  Again, she said she would call me back and had even repeated my phone number, she never called.  I will be calling her every day if that's what it takes.  The lady at the OB told me that there was a family practice that takes medicaid pending insurance and I could go to them but I wasn't able to even find them in the phone book so now I have to call my OB back and ask them where this place actually is.  This is such a pain in the ass.  I'll probably end up going to WIC to see what they can do to help me since the DFC is so incompetent that they can't even enter my name and information properly.

My grandma was the person who took me to my appointment today just in case they needed to draw blood.  We recently got a new dog, and I had originally been trying to get her to adopt it but for whatever reason, she decided that she didn't want the dog.  Well, we did and we adopted her.  We hadn't told my grandma though because we all knew the lecture we would get so we were going to put it off as long as possible.  I was going to put the dogs outside before she got here but she got here while I was brushing my teeth (the VERY firstthing I do in the morning) so I hadn't had time to put them out and she saw the dog.  I then got lectured abouthow unsanitary it is to have this many dogs in a house, especially with a baby on the way.  I couldn't make her listen to the fact that it's not MY dog, I wasn't the one who adopted her, she's my mom's dog.  I was immediately put into a bad mood this morning.  I know my grandma is just trying to help most of the time but more often than not, she just ends up upsetting someone.  She does more talking than LISTENING.  Once we got home, she kept trying to get me to do all this housework even though I was on and off the phone with caseworkers then entire time she was here.  And she kept telling me how good it was for me to get up and out of the house.  Apparently, she thinks I still sleep in till 4pm.  I swear, she thinks I never leave the house, I must order all my clothes offline.

I think this is kind of weird, I had my blood pressure taken today and it was 80 over 53.  Isn't that a little low??  She didn't seem concerned about it but you'd think it would be a little higher since I'm pregnant and pushing more blood through my body to get to the baby.  I'll have to look it up tomorrow sometime.  I weighed 106 today, which, according to doctor's scales would mean I'd gained 6lbs.  According to my scale at home, I've gained 11lbs.  I would prefer the 11 since I was already probably considered underweight before I got pregnant and have been told I should put on a little extra weight because of it.  I guess have a low body weight when you become pregnant can cause a low birth weight when the baby is born.  Well, I'm going to go to bed now, I hope.  I had so much trouble falling asleep last night.  I only ended up getting a few hours of sleep and waking up a full hour before my alarm even went off. 

Emptying my Mind

For some reason, I find typing on the keyboard sort of empowering.  It's one of the few things I'm really good at.  I can type up to 100 words per minute, at least that was the last time I took one of those tests.  It's like magic in a way.  I don't even think about what keys I'm hitting, I don't have to look, it's like I think a sentence and my fingers automatically put it on the screen.  I credit it to years of playing complex video games.  haha  I always thought I could get a job at a desk if nothing else but I think I would get bored very easily.  When I was in high school and taking computer classes, I used to hate sitting there for hours, typing up something that was already written down.  I didn't mind entering data though, make sense of that.  Even now, when I'm looking at baby names, I put them into a chart on my computer.  I just think everything looks better when it's in little boxes. 

Things are like a roller coaster for me right now.  I'm never sure if it's my emotions from the pregnancy or if it's something I have a legitmate reason to be upset about.  One thing is for sure, I hate DFC. (Department of Family and Children) I called on Thursday to see what was going on with my application since I haven't recieved anything in the mail or a phone call.  Well, I ended up having to leave a message and have to yet to hear back from my social worker.  Today I got a letter in the mail from the DFC.  They are saying my application for Medicaid is being denied BECAUSE I failed to appear for my personal interview.  Well, that's complete bullshit because I was there.  It was on the 12th of this month.  Hopefully, someone at DFC just screwed up because if they mailed me something and the post office screwed up, well then I'M screwed.  There's no way they'll believe that it actually got lost in the mail and then I have to start the process COMPLETELY over again.  I was telling my mom today that by the time I get some insurance, the baby will be born already.  The government really sucks sometimes.  I don't see why it's so hard to put things where they belong and send things when they're supposed to be sent.  Regular everyday businesses can do it, but for some reason, government offices can't seem to do the simplest tasks.

I have been finding some awesome deals on maternity clothes the last two days.  We've gotten three shirts for UNDER four dollars a piece.  And another for just over five.  I've decided that I will only buy things that are on major sales.  I've found plenty of cute stuff for 75% off.  We bought two baby blankets this weekend, my grandma bought us one and my mother-in-law bought us some baby clothes.  I need to let her know that we'll be needing more older baby clothes.  I'm worried she'll continue to buy infant clothes.  Babies grow out of the really small stuff before you can blink, better to have the a lot of the stuff they can grow into.  Last few days I've felt a few bumps here and there.  I don't think I'm going to enjoy the baby moving around.  The first time he/she moved, my first thought wasn't 'oh that's too cool' It was more like 'oh crap, it's starting already.' 

Men are IDIOTS

Usually, I wouldn't get on here and vent about Shawn, today isn't one of those days.  I just can't take it anymore.  I'm stuck in this house all damn day, by myself.  I couldn't leave even if I wanted to because he's got the car since the truck is a piece of shit.  A few days ago we got into it about him going out tonight.  I didn't get why, for two weekends in a row, I wasn't allowed to go with him and his friend, Paul to play pool.  Last weekend, I initially understood, (he was only supposed to be gone a couple of hours and ended up walking through the door at 12am) because Paul had just broken up with his longtime girlfriend, so I figured I'd give them time to talk alone.  Now, before Paul had a girlfriend, we would all do things TOGETHER, now that Paul is single, I'm left out for whatever reason.  Anyways, a few days ago, I was trying to tell him that I didn't get why I couldn't go and he comes up with this lame ass excuse saying that since Paul was paying that PAUL didn't want me to go.  Well, I know that's BS because Paul woulnd NEVER ever say that.  Then Shawn says, fine you can go.  Oh, yeah that makes me feel welcome on your little boys night BS.  We went back and forth about it and he says, just tell me whether you're going or not on Friday.  Well, I was planning on going because if I don't go, I will be here all night alone.  My mom is going to my brother's soccer game, which normally I would just go with her but my dad is going to be there and I really don't feel like dealing with him.  But when I called Shawn a few minutes ago, he says I'm leaving at 8 and I'll be back around 11:30, in other words to hell with you, I'm going and you're not.  Then, he has the nerve to say, well I'm going to ask Paul if he wants to do something tomorrow all three of us.  Oh yeah, I really want to hang out with Paul all weekend.  And besides that, I'm being forced into going to his mom's to eat tomorrow for a holiday that she doesn't even believe in and never showed much interest in until me and Shawn got together and he was celebrating with MY family.  Yeah, it should be a wonderful weekend.  I get to be upset all night tonight and then I have to act like I'm the happy little pregnant daughter-in-law and there's not adamn thing wrong.  I have half a mind to tell him to go to hell and he can deal with his mother alone.  I just don't see why he doesn't "get it" yet.  I mean, we're had this SAME fight (only with different people other than Paul) for the last five years.  The last time we had this fight, we split up but he STILL doesn't get it.  I might as well be going through this pregnancy alone because he's oinly involved when it suites him.

Doctor's, Bills and state gov't

I figure it's been a while, I'd better write before everyone starts panicking.  LOL  I've still got a little bit of the cold.  Just the after effects.  I've been having a lot of headaches recently so it's prevented me from doing anything but laying in bed.  I think I'm starting to feel a little cabin fever.  Shawn left today to run into town to have the truck looked at and I started crying because I'm always alone here.  He's working nine hours and my mom is working ten, so it's like by the time they get home, we eat and they go to sleep.  Probably just pregnancy hormones.  I have my nurse's appointment on Monday.  I'm having my grandma go with me, just in case they decide to draw blood.  For those of you who don't know, I have a huge phobia of needles and I pass out everytime I get stuck with one.  Unfortunately, the one person that thinks it's all in my head, is the person that's going with me.  Sometimes my grandma thinks that you can make anything mentally go away as long as you believe hard enough that it's not there.  So I should just tell myself to get over it and I won't pass out from needles anymore.  I know it's ridiculous.  It doesn't hurt but I still pass out.  There's nothing I can do to control it.  My Medicaid still hasn't come through.  I left a message with my social worker today.  It's been almost a month since I was last there and I'm worried they'll make me start the whole process over again.  It makes me want to cancel my appointments because I know how much it's going to cost in the end.  I'm worried that I'll never get my Medicaid and I'll have to find a way to pay for it all out of pocket.  That's pretty much impossible.  The hospital alone is a huge bill.  I wish they'd just send me a letter to let me know what's going on, anything so I can stop worrying about it.  To top it all off, I feel like there's something wrong for some reason.  I just feel like I've stopped putting on weight and stopped feeling so hungry so there must be something wrong with the baby.  I'm sure it's just because I'm into the "golden trimester."  Well, I'm going to go find something to eat.  Oh, my mom probably loves the fact that I'm going out of my mind.  The living room has been spotless for two days.  HAHA