What?!

How could I have not been told there was an aquarium in Chicago?  Let alone one of the largest indoor aquariums in the world?!  How many times have I talked about going to an aquarium?  Talked about going to Detroit to see their aquarium?  Ugh.  How could no one have told me?  In my mind, the trip is already set and I'm already going.  THIS YEAR.  Honey, you're going to have to hear about this one for a long time coming.  He knew all along.  I think he omitted it on purpose.  I don't know why.  He could've gotten out of going to the zoo up there.  He could've been indoors with a/c, instead of outside in the hot, humid July air.  UGH! 

Tags: Chicago, Aquariums

School's Out

I guess I've been a little stressed lately.  You'd think I would post more but instead I've become a blog recluse of sorts.  Little things stress me out that I really shouldn't care about.   People talking bad about me when they don't even know me.  And then other people who DO know me, starting it.  I shouldn't care.  I should ignore it and let it go and move on.  I hate ending relationships without closure, even friendships.  Hell, especially friendships.  See, I don't share much of myself with people.  I mean, I'll tell you my whole life story from beginning to end if you ask.  I don't lie about anything I've done or try to make things sound better than they really were.  (or worse in some people's cases) But when it comes to sharing my actual feelings about places, people and events, I usually remain vague and distant.  I like to keep my feelings to myself so when I share them with someone, it means I trust them a great deal.  Or I was drunk and had a moment of weakness, wanting to connect with someone.  And when that trust is broken or discarded without a second thought, it hurts.  It's probably why I have such a problem trusting people with my inner most thoughts and feelings.  I try and be up front and honest with people.  I try to be adult if you will.  And I expect the same from my friends, no matter what their age.  While I may give a little more leeway to a 14 year old, being as they haven't had much time to grow and mature, but I expect the same from someone in their 20's as I give.  I'm just so fed up with people around my age saying they're so mature and make such good friends and then they turn around and prove to still have the mentality of a high school kid.  If you want to play with the big kids, act like one.  And it really bothers me when someone doesn't know me and make assumptions based on what someone else has told them.  If I have a problem with someone, I don't go rolling my eyes everytime I see them, I confront them and work on things verbally, like an adult.  I don't spread lies and rumors to anyone willing to listen.  Sometimes I just have to wonder if anyone ever actually grows up.  Am I the only mature person my age? 

Tags: stress, immaturity

A mother's pain

I don't know this mother or her child.  I don't even know someone that knows them.  But I stumbled across their story on another website called inked nation (for us weirdo tattoo'd and pierced people).  It breaks my heart to read the mother's journal entries as she deals with the life threatening, rare cancer that ravages her body.   

 

http://www.care4jessicarose.org/index.htm

I have hours only lonely

I feel like a heroin addict in need of a fix.  My hands are shaky.  Sweat sticks to my skin.  I feel nauseous.  I take a steaming shower to try and burn away some of the withdrawal symptoms.  I finally, painfully, give in to the need.  The little pink pill that beckons my name.  The little pill that won't let me go.  Again and again it pulls me back into it's web, like a fly who has struggled against it's stickiness for hours and finally feels his wings pull free, he's snatched back by a brisk wind only to be stuck worse than he was before.  My words are like venom.  Quick and painful.  Against my will their fangs land on the nearest victim.  This sickness in me, this cancer that no chemo can cure.  No drug strong enough to rid it of my body. 

 

My pill is not that of an illegal substance.  It's prescribed to me, as it has been for years.  Paxil holds me hostage.  I'm as close to normal as I will ever be when I'm on it.  Once again, I have tried and failed to switch to another anti-depressant.  Once again I have been a disappointment.  It's a good thing I never did any hard drugs, there's no way I could've ever pulled free from them.  I can't handle the shaking, sweating and mood swings.  I don't like my quick temper when I'm not on it, my willingness to hurt those I love without a backward glance.  All I ask is to be like you.  Normal without the need of a pill to make me that way.  Do I even know what normal is?  Is this how normal people feel?  Normal "happy" people.  Do happy people sabotage themselves over and over again?  Do they despise themselves sometimes?  Are they lonely when surrounded by a crowd?  I have no idea what normal is.  I have no idea what it feels like to be happy without pills.  To hell with people like Tom Cruise who think a cure for depression is as easy as a jog and a few sit ups.  Those people know nothing of the emptiness of real depression.  It's lonely, endless and hopeless. 

I love this girl

We've been avoiding the animal planet channel lately.  There's a commercial on there for the aspca and everytime it comes on, Jasmine cries.  It starts off with a song by sarah mclachlan (in the arms of an angel) and shows some abused animals.  The song is what gets her attention and then she starts to cry.  Not like a screaming cry but her lip curls and tears silently stream down her little face.  Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.  I don't know if it's the music that affects her or the animals.  It's happened several times though so something about that particular commercial is upsetting her.  I've always felt like she was a little more empathetic than most kids her age.  Sure, she can be a mean little monster with the temper of a rabid cat but she has her other moments.  Where she's tender and loving.  When you're in pain, she will hug you and pat your arm or face.  When you sneeze or cough, she goes out of her way to come rub your arm or back.  When my IBS is at it's worst, she's willing to brave the bathroom with me and pats my arm and leg the whole time we're there.  She is my little bipolar angel.   I love this kid more than I could ever love anything.  And hey who knows, maybe that commercial is just the beginning.  Maybe she'll grow up to become someone who puts a stop to animal cruelty or make tougher laws for offenders.  I don't care what she does as long as she's happy.  Although we'd have a lot more in common if that life was something containing animals.  Ok, now I'm off to curl up in bed with my little one wrapped in my arms. 

Tags: Jasmine, animal planet, growing up

Lost

I wish the people in my life would stop self destructing.  I wish that they would see that what they are doing is self destructive.  I can't fix them.  Especially if they don't want to be fixed.  I wish they did.  I would do anything to help the people I love.  I just don't know how to help.  What's really frustrating is that I've been where they are right now and done the things they've done, felt what they're feeling and yet I have no idea what to say or do.  It's not like at that time I was thinking, gee I wonder what I would do to help myself if I wasn't me.  I'm just lost right now.

So cold

It is -7 degrees right now.  So far we've had a HIGH of -4.  The windchill is -26.  If you don't know what windchill is, it's what it FEELS like with the wind.  We have a windchill advisory till TUESDAY.  It's SOOOOOO cold here.