Trying to Get Back on Track

Woke up with a scratchy throat.  You know the one that signals that you're about to get sick.  Personally, I'd prefer NOT to know ahead of time, that way I'm not dwelling on it while I still feel ok.  Whenever I feel I'm starting to get sick I imagine my white blood cells patroling my body.  In my mind they're an army looking for anything out of place.  Now, they're not exactly a smart army so they have to meet the enemy once or twice before they realize it's not a friendly.  Once they ask for some identification and realize that it's the enemy, they kill the offending cell, tyically infected with a virus.  Now you would think that would put your body at code red on the terrorist watch but like I said they're not smart.  There's no email or snail mail in there so they have to go by word of mouth.  One cell tells the cell next to him, hey watch out for the cells with the funny beard and glasses, then he tells the next guy until it finally makes it all the way around the body and they kill off the illness.  For whatever reason my brain says it I warn them ahead of time they'll kill it before I get sick.  It never works.  Again, cells aren't smart.  We're made of an army of idiots.  And I think my imagination is on a little more acid than most.  (I don't do drugs just for those who are going in that direction)

Jasmine has a cold or something so she's been making me miserable.  She seems to feel ok other than a runny nose but she is SO whiny.  I really am starting to realize why my mom would say to us that mom was no longer her name or that mom doesn't live here anymore.  What she meant was get the hell away from me and give me some peace for ten minutes.  Unfortunately for Jasmine, my mother had far more patience with me than I do with her.  There are days I'd be happy to spend an hour or so in the bathroom.  Just sitting and doing nothing.  Having no one ask me to do this, get that or tell them where THEY left their clothing.  I could be in my own private oasis.  (trust me, my imagination is good enough to turn the bathroom into a faraway oasis) I just now finally got her to sleep and it's 7am.  She went to bed at 2am.  At that moment I did a little happy dance in my head, until a half hourlater when she started coughing and woke herself up.  (she NEVER coughs during the day but the second she falls asleep she starts) I felt bad for her but worse for me because she wanted to watch big bird and ten minutes into that she wanted to watch tigers (Evan Almighty) and then she wanted to watch Penguins (happy feet).  That'd be fine if I didn't have to monitor her with the cd's.  We finally got smart and made backup dvd's to every one that we have because the first 60 bucks of Elmo videos went down the drain because she scratched them to hell and back. 

I still feel guilty today about PB.  I refused to eat anything till late this evening.  I just didn't feel like it.  I typically punish myself after an animal dies even if there is no way it could be anyone's fault.  The punishment is different depending on my mood.  I buried him today.  Just past the cats house.  I don't they'll miss him as much had it been a cat that they paled around with but none of them are really bonded to eachother.  Two of them can't stand eachother. (Minka and Gremlin, it's the only cat I've ever seen him have an attitude with) Now they're not full out brawling.  It's just an occasional hiss or slap if they're in the other cats "spot".  I started getting their house ready for winter but haven't finished.  There's heavy equipment in there that I need man power to move.  The cats have already made good use of the few bales of straw I have in there.  They're using them like cat beds.  Next summer I'll have to make sure and get a few more bales just to set up in the house for them to lay on.  While I was out there tonight they were more affectionate than usual.  They normally all get a petting but then they're like ok lady that's enough, give us a treat or something.  (catnip tonight) But even after I left they were still outside rubbing against the gate.  I had to come in though because Jas was inside and Shawn was asleep. 

I'll try and get updated pictures of the baby birds daily now that I'm not so worried about mom abandoning them.  Before I was worried if I moved her too many times that she would just stop taking care of them.  That could still happen but they're old enough to eat on their own now.  They're just smart enough not to let mom know it yet.  They're so cute now that they have feathers.  Before that Jasmine didn't really know what they were.

Oh and anyone have advice on explaining death/dying to a 2 year old.  I don't want her to run around saying everything is dead but I also want her to have some kind of understanding.  She keeps asking me where Polar Bear is and even still asks where August is.  I actually tell her I don't know how to explain it to her.  When we buried August I had my grandmother take her inside because I thought that would be too much for her to understand.  I know I need to figure out something.  Hopefully I don't have to deal with anything or anyone dying anytime soon.  I've had enough for one year.  August alone was enough for several years.  That wound is still quite raw and I think it will be for a while. 

Happy Halloween

These are the pumpkins I carved tonight.  They're not the most elaborate but I'm getting lazy in my old age. 

Baby Birds

The one with the darker blue tail is my favorite and also the younger of the two.  The lighter one bites quite hard whereas the other never bites.  They are complete opposites as far as personality. 

Polar Bear died a half hour ago.

Only one more hour before Polar Bear can leave for the vet's office.  I think at this point we'll just be looking to end his pain.  He seems to be shutting down.  He's just staring off at the wall.  He blinks infrequently.  I didn't think he even knew I was there until the last time I checked on him.  He meowed and started purring as soon as I touched him but otherwise didn't move.  It kills me to have to watch him suffer.  I'm torn between wanting to walk in the bathroom (the warmest room I could find for him) and find him gone or still hanging on.  I want to still have hope that there's something the vet can do but I really don't feel that there is at this point.  I just can't believe this is happening.  I feel awful.  It was my job to care for him and make sure he was healthy and I failed at that.  I've been crying all night on and off.  Jasmine is has thrown up three different times.  Her being sick is making it harder for me to care for PB.  Maybe it's better that I'm not in there constantly though.  I wish there was something I could do to make him more comfortable. 

Polar Bear

I don't think my cat is going to be alive by morning.  I knew last week that he was looking skinny and told my husband we needed to take him to the vet soon and this week he is just awful.  They live outside and it's not always easy to see everything.  Most of the time when I finally get out to feed them it's night out and dark.  My only light is a flashlight.  When I went out tonight he seemed unsteady so I brought him in the house where I could see better.  He is completely dehydrated, despite drinking water and he is so thin that when he lays down I swear he stops breathing.  I have him on a heating pad right now as his temp only barely hit 95, normal is 100 to 102.  Typically, a cat's temp drops just before death.  He keeps looking at me like he is pleading for me to make it go away.  The only vet open is the ER and it's 80 just to walk in the door.  I can't afford that AND whatever it takes to save his life.  My husband has offered to take him to the vet as soon as the open in the morning (8am) but I really feel he won't make it that long.  I don't know what to do and at the same time there's nothing I can do.  He is my siamese, Polar Bear.  We've had him for seven years and this is the first time he's even had a cold.  I don't know if it's a good thing that he's moving around the house or not.  I really wish he would just stay on the heating pad.  I wish I could say that it makes me feel better knowing he's in the house and warm but nothing is really making me feel better now.  I feel helpless.  If I had the medicine to euthanize him right now, I would do it myself just because I don't want him to be in pain all night.  I tried calling the ER to see if they would let me buy some sub-q fluids so that I could at the very least try and rehydrate him and they said no, I have to bring him in.  I understand the reasoning behind that but not everyone can afford their fees.  I have spent so much at that place this summer that it makes me go when is it going to stop.  I could've paid several months house payments off of what I've spent on my animals this summer.  We JUST caught the house payments up because we were so behind from all the animal medical bills.  I hate this.  It would be nice to just have extra money for emergencies. 

Home Of The Brave

I have been unusually emotional lately.  I just started watching Home Of The Brave and have already teared up.  I have friends in that shit hole, oil filled country.  I want to take all the women and children out of there and sort the good men from the terrorists and then just torch the rest of it, oil included.  It's so hard to know what's true from Iraq and what's lies.  Half the military people you meet say everything is better and the media makes it seem much worse than it really is.  Others say not much has changed.  It's still chaos and the country is nearing a civil war.  I wish George Bush had never become president in the first place.  We wouldn't have went to war with another country just to satisfy his father's loses and thousands of Americans and Iraqis would still be alive.  I DO believe that Sadam needed to be relieved of his power but I don't think this was the right way to do it.