Go Fish

I had my ultrasound today.  Everything looks normal.  We're going to wait a few months and see if things don't get any better and if not they're going to make an incision in my belly button and use a scope to look around at the other parts of my ovaries and uterus.  It's a relief that I don't have cancer or tumors but it still doesn't answer why I've been in pain. 

We bought a 55 gallon fish tank today.  It'll be a while yet before I can afford the accessories for it.  I can't wait to get a tank set up and have some fish in it.  I think aquariums are so relaxing.  I took care of my mom's fish tank for years.  I had three high fin bull sharks that are over 8 inches long.  I loved looking at them and knowing that I had kept them healthy enough from the time they were baby fish to get to huge adults.  A friend of mine wants me to start a salt water tank but I'm afraid I'll kill them.  When I do start with salt water, I'm going to use a 20 gallon tank and start with some of the smaller, more durable fish.  Eventually, I hope to have two 55 gallon tanks, one with fresh water and one with salt water fish.  My living room is big enough that I could have one tank on one wall and the other tank on the other.  I'll definitely be paying more attention to what fish I want to put into this tank.  I bought two parrot fish for my mom's tank and found out really quickly that they're pretty aggressive.  For now I have to clean the tank.  (it was used) If anyone is interested in a 55 gallon fish tank for only $30, let me know. 

Hate

So I'm watching 30 Days right now and it's about an atheist woman living for 30 days with a Christian family.  It's really pissing me off.  I knew a lot of people were narrow minded but I had no idea it was to this point.  I listen to other people's views and try to be open minded and hear what they're saying but I wouldn't get the same from them.  I am a good person.  I was raised to have the same morals as any religious person.  I just don't believe in god.  Why should I have a book telling me what to believe and how to act?  Why do people have to tell you to be good and moral?  I'm a good friend, extremely loyal.  I treat people the way I want to be treated and try to give others the benefit of the doubt so why am I looked upon as being the anti-christ?  I try to do something nice for people everyday, even though it's usually something little.  I love my family more than anything in the world.  So why am I looked down upon?  I just don't get it.  My neighbor is a jehovah's witness.  I was discussing with him my stance on religon and god.  He scoffed at me when I told him I believed in evolution, not adam and eve.  Why am I to be accepting and respectful of other people's beliefs when they are so narrow minded towards mine?  Every atheist I've met is a caring person with good morals.  On this show, they said that the people in the united states (who are religious) are more accepting of gays than of atheists.  That really made me realize how much atheists are disliked.  You hear everyday about how gays are being prejudiced against and how hard it is for them to live the same way everyone else does so what does that leave for atheists?  I don't believe in god, that doesn't make me a bad person.  That doesn't mean I will go out tomorrow and kill a bunch of people just for fun.  I can't even kill ants for christ's sake.  I feel guilty about killing flies.  Come on people.  Open your minds a little and get a little understanding.  My daughter will be brought up with good morals, respect for her fellow human AND animal, a good work ethic.  Everything that christians teach their kids without the bible and god.  I just don't get it.  Love thy fellow man, not love only thy fellow religious god fearing man.  I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Insane

Everyday I feel a little more uncomfortable, both physically and mentally.  I feel as if I'm pregnant. (I'm not) There is so much pressure coming from that area that it feels the same way as when I was five months pregnant with Jasmine.  My imagination keeps running away from me.  I've went through just about every possibility as to what it could be and then what the treatment for said thing would entail.  I'm almost a week away from my pelvic ultrasound.  (I was under the understanding that it was just a regular ole ultrsound... it's not) At one point and time, I was sure it was cancer and I wanted to take a knife to my abdomen right that second and cut it out.  I hate the idea of having cancer growing anywhere in my body.  It made me feel like I had bugs crawling under my skin and I wanted to claw at myself till they were all out and I was left bleeding.  The not knowing is driving me half insane.  I keep telling everyone, it's not like I can forget about it even if I wanted to, I'm constantly having cramps and I always feel pressure.  There are times I want to stop eating because I keep imagining that I'm feeding whatever is living inside of me and the last thing I want to do is help it survive.  (as long as I'm not pregnant that is) I just want to know what is going on so I can figure out what to do about it.  I'm a very in control person and if I knew what was wrong, I would feel like I could control what happens and where we go from here.  Right now I feel completely helpless.  I wish my appointment was this Monday and not next.  I just want this over with.  I want to go back to worrying about bills and stupid things, not whether or not I'm going to have to worry about living.

House

It seems we won't be moving into our new house till next weekend.  There is some kind of problem with the well being under the house.  They're sending a guy out to take sketches of where under the house and then we should be able to go forward with everything.  We were supposed to move in on Friday.  It's not a big deal.  My mom doesn't quite have the house ready for my grandma moved in and I'm not quite ready to move out.  Especially with the ultrasound coming up. 

Pictures!!!!

Doc

I had an ob-gyn appointment today.  I go in on the 14th for an ultrasound.  I've been having some pain so they want to see if there's something going on in there.  I'm a little nervous.  If I hadn't been in pain all day, I probably wouldn't be so worried about it right now.  No one knew I has having problems till today.  Everyone has so much other shit to deal with, I didn't see why there was any reason to worry them with this too.  Seeing as how there could be nothing wrong at all.  I wanted to make it to my appointment before I said anything.  Seeing as my doctor thinks it's important enough for me to have this ultrasound and possibly exploratory surgery, I figured it was time to tell my family that there's something going on.  I wish it was tomorrow so I could get it over and know what's going to happen next. 

Past

I seem to have a problem letting the past just go on and be the past.  I can't let go of past friendships.  I have no problem letting go of past enemies.  That doesn't mean I ever want those people as friends, I just don't want to waste my time being hateful towards them.  The only person that hurts is me.  The friendship I probably miss the most, is Gary.  Because of circumstances surrounding the demise of our friendship, I don't know if I'll ever get that back.  I've considered contacting him and his wife several times but I don't like to do things on impulse so I've stopped myself.  Plus, I don't know what they're reaction would be upon hearing from me.  We had a falling out with his wife's sister and that was the end of our friendship.  I plan on contacting him shortly before going to pick up our puppy in September.  They live very close to where the breeder is so if our conversation  went well, we could stop by and see them.  I guess we'll see what happens.