Tantrums

By my current mood, you wouldn't know that a few hours ago I was on the verge of a pregnancy hormone induced nervous breakdown.  I had spent the afternoon at my mom's.  I had only been gone about four hours.  Therefore, I was beyond pissed when I got home and found two dog crates needed to be cleaned.  TWO.  I just lost it and started crying.  When you have quite a few animals, it gets frustrating when you end up having to do more work than is necessary.  After I calmed down and my husband had cleaned the crates (probably to keep from further losing it) I went to let the dogs out.  It had been a few hours since all this occurred by then.  But there Cash was, freaking out like it had been days.  I put him out and then just started kicking the cage.  Yes, I had a temper tantrum.  Something you should consider before having one of your own, wear the proper shoes.  I had on flip flops.  My piggies took a beating.  Thus, when you have a temper tantrum, either wear shoes or don't kick things.  ;) 

Per Linda's Request, Taken last night

I wasn't going to post a bare belly due to my stretch marks from the last pregnancy but what the hell.  And if you want to be completely technical about it, I'm just past five and half months pregnant. 

The picture from the front makes my belly look bigger than from the side.  I don't feel very big for being this far along but based on my last pregnancy, I know in a few months I'll be huge.

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~Omigod~

I am six months pregnant.  SIX MONTHS.  Yes, I just realized that a few minutes ago.

Little ones sick, all around

I was told the orphan kittens had a vet visit today.  They are on antibiotics now but seem to be doing well.  The current foster thinks that they look pretty good all things considered.  I will probably have them back in a week or so.  I could've had them back sooner but with Jasmine being sick, I'd prefer to wait a few days.  The other kittens are all still doing well.  Momma seems to have developed a sniffle over the last few days so I'll have to keep an eye on her three till it passes.

Speaking of Jasmine.  I didn't get much in the way of restful sleep last night.  After I got ready for bed, I noticed she seemed flushed.  (she was sleeping)  I felt her face and it was on fire.  I attempted to remove some of the blanket that was on her and she made it very clear that she didn't want that to happen and had goose bumps.  I knew her tylenol had worn off about an hour before that but didn't really want to wake her up to take anymore.  With Jasmine you never know if she'll go right back to sleep or be up for hours.  I kept feeling her face and it just seemed to keep getting hotter.  Eventually I called my husband at work (on his cell), more just to talk to someone about than expecting him to do anything.  After getting off the phone, I decided to attempt to sleep.  I had one hand under her head and one on her arm, hoping that if she moved, I'd wake up.  I was really concerned with how hot she felt.  I didn't think I'd be able to sleep but I don't think I was laying down more than a few minutes before I passed out.  I woke up every time she moved those first few hours however.  You don't realize how stressful being a parent is, until you become one.  You never know when you're making the right decisions about your child's health and always feel inferior.  She woke up about six or seven hours after falling asleep.  She was still really hot but was no longer shivering.  I gave her a morning dose of tylenol and that seemed to break the fever for the most part.  She hasn't gotten that hot since then, thankfully.  Of course, my husband came home with a thermometer but by then there was no need forit.  It always makes me nervous for the day she will have something more severe than just a cold.  She's been to the ER once because I was concerned she was dehydrated.  (it was unwarranted, the ER doctor said we were doing everything right by feeding her ice and popsicles)  I don't want to be one of those moms that freaks out and drags her kid to the doctor or ER when they could just stay at home, where they're comfortable.  And then to have two of them sick at once?  It makes me sick to even think of it.  I'm thinking, I need more people to help me stay sane in that case! 

Kids, number one giver of gray hair

Well it's about time!  I haven't been able to get into my journal for a few hours now.  I kept getting the whole journals unavailable popup.  The two little orphan kittens have gone to another foster for the time being.  They may end up seeing a vet tomorrow.  It's weird not being able to check on them every hour or so.  At the same time it's a relief not to hold my breath till I see them moving each time I walk in the cat room.  Hopefully she'll be able to do more with them than I was able to and they'll be up to speed with the other three soon. 

Jasmine scared the hell out of me a while ago.  She's been sick with the same cold that I've had since last Monday but hadn't seemed to show any symptoms for two or three days.  I thought she was over it.  Today she started sneezing again and her nose was running so back onto cold medicine for her.  (if nothing else, just so she can get a few hours rest without sniffling)  She had been asleep for about an hour when she suddenly woke up and was sobbing.  I felt her head and it was on fire.  I kept telling myself she just feels hot because of the way she was sleeping but my mommy paranoia was in high gear.  Then I remembered she walked into a door knob earlier (giving herself a black eye in the process) and worried she had a concussion but I'd missed the signs.  She wouldn't talk, only cry.  Finally, after about a half hour of crying on and off she asks for medicine.  I'm assuming she was crying because she feels like crap.  Once she has her medicine in hand, I ask again what was wrong, why was she crying.  She says, 'you turned off my harry potter.'  Omigod!  I said 'Honey, you fell asleep so Mommy turned off the tv.  You scared the CRAP out of mommy!'  She hugged me and told me sorry I scared you mommy.  Good lord, I thought she was in need of the ER and she was just pissed that Harry Potter was off.  She still feels pretty warm.  I would take her temperature but my husband's stupid dog, Molly ate the last thermometer we had.  I'll have to send him for a new one tomorrow.  And maybe a humidifier.  No, I think I'll get it myself.  Last time he got a humidifier that was ridiculous complicated and it ended up breaking because I didn't know how to properly care for it.  I just get the cheapo ten dollar ones that blow out burning hot steam.  Always worked when I was a kid.  (yeah I know, cool humidifiers are considered better for you now)  I don't know when I'll get her back to sleep.  It only takes a short nap to re-energize her for eight hours.  She's going to throw a fit when I say that's it, we're done.  For now I'll let her watch whatever she wants till the medicine fully kicks in. 

My Mojo, not a reference to Austin Powers

I am a mom.  When one of my kids cries in the middle of the night and I know it's out of character for them to do that, I go immediately to see what's wrong.  My bedroom is directly across the hall from five of my kids.  So when I heard a muffled meow, I got up so fast that I had to sit back down for a minute.  Through my tears, I found my way to both doors in the dark.  I opened their door slowly as some think it's cute to lay directly in the path of the oncoming door.  Flip the light switch and there they all are, in their bed next to the door.  I have no idea who meowed.  It was probably a kitten complaining about his brother/sister sitting on his head.  By this time, I realize the Ambien has taken full hold of my movements.  I'm more wobbly than usual and just feel a bit, stoned and drunk.  I guess it's more of a feeling of being drunk and yet your brain is working normally.  I'm also suddenly aware that I am standing amid a sea of kittens and that my movements had better be very thought out before I make them.  I decided to get a syringe from the kitchen (I finally got smart and bought some BEFORE I needed them) and filled a cup with water.  I very slowly got an entire syringe of water down both kittens.  (so half a syringe for both)  By doing this, I must have seriously pissed off the orange kitten as he began batting at cardboard boxes and the cat carrier.  (he hasn't played all day as he's felt rather awful) I said well maybe I should piss you off more, it gives up some spunk.  LBK however just glared at me and walked underneath me (I was kneeling down) hoping to steal some body heat.  Another bright idea came to me through the Ambien fog.  A softer blanket while they feel really awful.  Ah, but which of my towels will I sacrifice.  These are my favorite pair, these my mom JUST bought us a few weeks ago.  Shit.  Wait, what's that over at the edge of the bed?  Jasmine old baby blanket.  THAT will be PERFECT.  Now before you scold me, it was not a favored blanket (we used it so she could lay on the floor without being directly on the wood) and it's since been a hand-me-down to the ferrets who LOVE this blanket but will never know the difference after it's washed.  I laid it down over top of the towels that were already in there after I made them a little more comfy.  What's that smell.  Sniff, sniff.  Two little kittens trot over.  sniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniiiiiiiffffff  Oh yes, ferrets have a VERY strong odor and it does NOT come out in the wash.  It smells better after you wash it but it will always be there.  Now momma is over sniffing.  I keep warning her not to pee on the blanket.  I swear momma, you pee on the big comfy blanket that was brought in specifically for the sickly's, you're in for it.  No, momma plops her long ass right on the kitteh's blanket!  At first I was going to shoo her away.  (the kittens won't lay with her)  Then I thought, what if she WANTS them right now.  I pick up LBK and set him down in front of her and she's like, 'My GAWD child, what happened to your face?!'  And she licked his face like it was the most important mission on earth.  I'm not going to lie, I started to cry.  For days I've been frustrated wishing that I had a cat's tongue that would do what was so badly needed for these kittens.  Yes, I've been longing for a cat tongue.  I thought, maybe I could attach some kind of rough sponge to a stick and use it like a cat tongue but I knew it would never be the same.  And here I had a real live tongue, WORKING.  Now LBK was NOT impressed and shot me the look of death.  Oh, I didn't mention, I was holding him there for his bath, no escape.  Strange how something so pathetic and sweet can suddenly give looks that could kill.  I had to avert my gaze just to be on the safe side.  Ok, down you go, it's orange kitty's turn and he's STILL pissed at me from earlier.  Here momma, watch the claws on this one.  It went better than expected, I get look from hell, momma continues cleaning, another look from hell and hey look, she's bored with you, you're free.  Momma walked off after that.  I guess she saw a line forming or something and said 'oh look at the time.'  ;)  In a few minutes I'll check back in on them to make sure they're using the blanket.  It's really fluffy and warm so I hope they will and just ignore the musty odor that lingers on.  I know it wasn't the breakthrough I was looking for but that small gesture on momma's part, brightened up my day, ever so slightly.  After my last entry I was in tears.  All I kept hearing is they're both going to die and you did nothing.  (I KNOW there's not much more I, personally, can do without permission BUT tell that to the voices inside my head)  After seeing momma make at least an attempt with those kittens, I may not cry myself to sleep tonight.  It was going strongly in that direction prior to this.  And I'm NOT a crier.  I just really want this to work out ok and the thought that it really might not... I don't know if it's frustration or sadness, maybe both but it's been bringing me to tears.  It's harder when you can't save the small innocent ones that haven't even gotten a chance to play because they're so young than if it were an older cat.  I've thrown myself into this litter more so than any of the others.  When the others went home, I said see ya, who's next?  I didn't cry, although I've never cried when one of my fosters gets adopted, not one.  Well, I think I cried with Doodle the first time because I knew she was getting a fantastic home.  It wasn't losing her that had me upset though, it was tears of happiness for her.  But with the past litters, I haven't invested much of me into them.  Feed, change litter, let them out to play, laugh at their antics but I never felt it above where it matters.  Emotionally, I had barricades up.  I do with all my fosters.  I'm not going to have them for a long period of time so don't bother feeling a huge sense of love towards them.  Caring, empathy, compassion, a little love but nothing more.  These guys... they ripped the rug right out from underneath of me and I'm still trying to find all the pieces of the barricade as they're scattered here an there.  While I'm doing that, they're getting IN.  And it's making it hard to contemplate what could happen.  And that's what I do.  I need to know the worst possible ways things can go in order to go about doing what I need to do.  It's the way I work.  With humans, and animals.  Once I figure those things out, I can get things done.  It's like a maze I have to sort through and when I come to the end, there's a light and I know I'm almost done.  Good or bad, this ride is almost over.  And it gives me a sense that even if I can't do anything right now, I can try to find something I can do later.  I need to be doing something, even if it's all in my head in order to get through those times when all you can do is wait because you've done everything you can do.  And now they're in there messing with my mojo.  How am I suppose to distance myself when they're to the mojo already?

More Kittens

Both orphan kittens are sick.  I was concerned yesterday when I noticed that LBK's eyes were watering.  Today both have yellow discharge from their noses and are having a difficult time eating.  (when cat's can't smell food, they don't eat)  The orange one is having really bad diarrhea.  I'm frustrated and feeling a little defeated.  Tomorrow if the orange kitten still hasn't eaten, I may have to force feed him.  I hate force feeding.  I just don't know what to do.  Tomorrow if I haven't received anything via email, I'll be calling the rescue to see how they would like me to proceed.  Best case scenario, I get a vet visit and/or someone with more experience takes on the orphan kittens.  I don't want to give up when things get hard but I also need to focus on the fact that these are living things and at some point and time, I'm going to be over my head.  This has been an extremely stressful couple of days.  I just wish one of them would turn a corner.