Hate

Is it possible to hate yourself but still love your life?  I love my husband and our daughter, our house, our yard, our animals, etc. but I can't seem to be happy with me.  I hate that I can never seem to get anything completely done.  I hate that I can never get the house clean.  I hate that I feel like this.  I hate that I can't seem to lose that last inch of pregnancy weight around my waist.  I hate that my body doesn't look like it did when I was 20.  I hate that I'm not really good at anything.  I hate that I'm not more of a martha stewart kind of mom.  I hate that I stay up all night and sleep all day.  I hate that everyone thinks they know the right way to live my life and feel they have a right to voice that to me... loudly.  I'm just fed up with being me right now.  If I was younger and didn't have a kid, I'd go get drunk for a week and I'd feel better, for a week or so but that's not an option for me anymore.  And besides that, all my friends are either pregnant, live far away or don't drink, so I'd be sitting by myself in a corner looking like a total lush.  I wish my house was always clean, even if I didn't know you were coming over.  I wish it always smelled like roses.  I just want to be a different person.  Sometimes I don't even feel like I know WHO I am.  Am I a reliable person?  How do people feel about me?  I continually ask myself really high school-ish questions that I should be over by now.  I want to be able to cry my eyes out just because I feel like crap.  (I can't because of the dosing of anti-deppressant I'm on...) I wish I didn't hate me so much.

Tags: depression, anxiety, hate