Moving

I talked to my mom and Shawn and they tentatively agreed to fix up both houses (my mom's and the one we're moving into) and then sell both.  We will buy a large plot of land and build to houses on the land next door to eachother.  That would be the only way I can see myself being happy living away from my mom.  It's ok, you can say it.  I'm a momma's girl.  Me and my mom have a joke that she keeps cutting the apron strings and I just sew them back on.  She's my best friend.  Who wouldn't want to live next door to their best friend?  I don't ever want anything to change with my relationship with my mom.  That's why I'm so scared of moving.  I worry that things will change.  I'm one of those people who DOESN'T like change.  I like things to stay the same.  I love you momma and I'll never let anything change.

Contracts

We signed the contracts for our home today.  Why am I not happy?  I'm so attached to my mom that I freak of the thought of being 8 miles down the road.  She's doing some freaking out of her own.  We're both thinking the same things.  We won't be able to talk to eachother when ever we feel like it, we won't see eachother everyday, things won't be the same again, we'll start to drift apart.  I can't even list all of the things that have went through my head.  All the things I've bitched about for so long will be some of the things I miss.  I just feel sick.  We're buying my grandma's house.  It's on just over an acre, fenced so the dogs and kids have plenty of room to run.  I want to fix it up as fast as possible and sell it.  And we haven't even moved in yet.  I'm not sure how to paint the kitchen cabinets.  I'm not sure if they're actual wood or more like partical board or what.  And then if they're not wood, can I still paint them?  I don't want to paint them and have them look worse than they already do but I also can't stand them the way they are.  I want to paint, paint, paint shortly after everything is moved in. 

I was going to write about Jasmine's birthday but I don't feel like it today.  On Shawn's way to work, he hit a cat.  It was about a mile from here so I drove down there with a towel and wrapped him up a little and got him out of the road.  I know where he lives and they have a young son.  I don't know if I should go down there later and tell them.  I know I wouldn't want to call for my cat and never find out what happened.  I also don't want to go down there and have someone yell at me, especially when I didn't hit him.  The responsible part of me is telling me to go down there and tell them and if I get yelled at and that's what they need to do, then that's fine.  But I also feel like I'm punishing myself by doing that.  I feel like it should be my husband driving down there.  It's like when a little kid steals something, you make them go apologize to whoever they stole from.  Obviously this is a little more serious but I feel like it should be him telling them what he did.  I don't know.  I just feel awful right now.

Sigh

I hate looking at houses.  It's so stressful for both me and my husband.  I love my husband and daughter so much and I don't want to end up making the wrong decision and getting stuck in a house we hate or more likely, an area we hate.  You can find really GREAT houses with acreage in Benton Harbor but (and sorry for those of you who do live there) I don't want to live in the ghetto.  I don't know that it's all like that up there but I don't want to move there and take a chance that it is.  I think in the end it will probably come down to one of three houses.  One has a good amount of land but is on the highway and the house is a little on the small side (beggers can't be choosers and all), another has a little less land but the house is set up really odd.  I guess it has potential but there's a bathroom IN the master bedroom.  No doors seperating or anything, just bed and toliet.  Very weird.  The last one is more in the city on one acre and is directly across from my grandpa's gravesite.  It just sucks.  I have the vision of what "our" house will look like and that we'll know it when we find it but that's proving just a fairytale.  I just thought we'd walk into a house and we'd feel like we belonged there.  I haven't felt anything close to that yet.  I'm just so worried about making the wrong decision.  It's not like you can take it back in two years and if you decide to sell, well that's a hassle in and of itself.  We would have to find out how much we could get for the house we're living in, decide where we'll live if our house gets sold (because there's no way in hell we could pay two house payments for any amount of time).  Some days, I don't think about it even once and then other days it seems to be on my mind the entire day and night. 

I like my lip piercing.  I really do.  But it's a little annoying at times.  Obviously, it's a little uncomfortable right now.  But trying to sleep with this ring around my lip is driving me nuts.  It keeps hitting my teeth and everytime I try to get comfortable I rip the hole open.  I just wish I could have it sit in water all day and still heal up normally since that's the only time it feels fine.  Jasmine's birthday is next weekend and none of my relatives have seen my latestskin mutilation so I'm sure I'll get to hear all about it.  Oh and Shawn got his lip pierced on both sides (I'm not sure if it's called verticals or snake bits).  His mom is REALLY going to flip out when she sees him.  I don't know if I want to be present for that or not.  When he was like 15/16, she let him get a tattoo rather than letting him get his ear pierced.  That's how anti-piercing she is.  Yeah, I think I'll stay in the car for that one.

A crazy week

Well, in the last week I've gotten a new tattoo (on the back on my neck) a drastic hair cut and a lip piercing.  The tattoo says Mei Amor in really pretty lettering.  It means my love in latin.  I got my hair cut just like Charlize Theron in Aeonflux.  I wasn't sure about it at first but now I love it.  Plus it shows off my new tattoo nicely.  I got the lip piercing today.  I almost chickened out.  After dinner I was full of courage though and made a trip to the piercer.  (Joel at Point Blank Tattoo and Piercing.... www.pointblanktat2.com ) It really didn't hurt that bad.  I was scared it was going to hurt as badly as my tongue did but there was minimal pain.  The only time it really hurt was when the needle went through the outer layer of skin and when he put the jewelry through.  I really like it so far, aside from the fact that Jasmine has tried to rip it out twice in the few hours I've had it.  Speaking of Jasmine, her birthday is June 10th.  I can't believe she's almost a year old already.  It's just flown by.  It seems like just yesterday was my first exhausting day home from the hospital and everyone thought I was two minutes more of screaming baby away from snapping.  hehe 

House shopping isn't going as well as we hoped.  We've been told that we can't afford what we thought we could and that we need more money in the bank to get a halfway decent house payment.  Shawn is willing to go with a conventional loan and I would prefer an FHA.  An FHA loan is a little harder for us to get but I think it would be worth it in the long run if we did the work now, rather than get screwed over.  We found a house that we liked in Michigan but it turns out it's a manufactured house and we can't get approved for that.  It's too high risk of a loan or something and the house would only lose value the longer we owned it.  I'm sure things will work themselves out eventually. 

Trees

I realized something the other day while me and my husband were looking at houses.  I don't like the idea of cutting down trees.  Especially really old ones.  I kind of feel like they've made it through so much, so many years of lighting, fires, bugs, humans, etc. that I don't have a right to bring that life to an end.  I know that probably sounds ridiculous.  I think it probably comes from the way I was brought up.  My mom is very into native american culture.  If she could have been an Indian, she would've.  Therefore, I've gotten a lot of history in that area.  I remember at some point during my childhood, watching some documentary of some sort on a tribe and they believed that every living thing has a soul, dogs, cats, trees, grass, everything.  I feel like that has a lot to do with why I don't like killing anything.  The other day, I caught a nasty looking spider and took him to our barn... in the pouring rain because I was worried that if I just set him outside somewhere, he would drown.  The only things I don't mind killing are fleas and mosquitos, oh and ticks.  Basically if it sucks my blood, or stings, I'm all for killing it.  But I feel like there is something really special about trees.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's because they've been mystical beings in so many kids movies or maybe it's just because they've been around for such a long time.  Whatever the reason, they have my respect. 

Houses

Me and Shawn have been house shopping for a while now.  We're not able to buy anything right this second but we hope to be within the next six months or so.  our realtor says we're doing everything right and she's got a great reputation with everyone we've talked to.  We're having trouble finding houses with land in Indiana.  I would like to stay within twenty miles of my mom and brother.  We have, however found land in Michigan.  Two of the houses have 9.5 acres and what appear to be nice houses.  (we haven't been in them, just looked online at their pictures)  They're about an hour away but it's all highway so it wouldn't seem like an hour drive.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I really like this old farm house in Michigan but I feel like there would be more problems with an older house.  (it's over hundred years old) Well, I'd better go.  I'm supposed to be watching my brother play video games and make sure that Jasmine doesn't get in his way.