Seeing Red

You know, once and a while it would be nice if I didn't have to always be the responsible parent.  I am so sick and tired of my husband having something better to do than be here.  At the moment he's too busy to come home because HIS friend's boat needs to be worked on.  You know, I don't give two craps if his house is on fire right this very moment.  It would be nice if we were a priority once and a while.  My daughter's birthday is on Tuesday and my husband hasn't been home enough for us to even discuss what we're getting her or when we're giving it to her.  So forgive me if I thought maybe you should come home for once so we could go get something for her.  But then he's not the one that has to wrap everything at the last minute as well and make her a cake.  Quite frankly, the only damn thing he does is go to work.  There's more to being a father and a husband than a paycheck.  For the longest time, I didn't even say anything to him because it was like, no matter what I say, he's just going to do it again so why waste my breath?  But I've had it.  After a while, you can only hold things in so long before you lose it and I'm at that point.  This is I don't even know how many weekends in a row that he's spent with his friends instead of at home.  Oh, he was home last weekend but the entire time he seemed like it was an inconvenience to him.  So, I will be going to get her stuff by myself as usual.  I will choose her cake and presents by myself, as usual. 

For whatever reason, I am unable to post anything new to my blog. (There's not even a button where I can do it!) Just a quick update, I had an emergency ultrasound and OB appointment today. Everything is normal with the baby. I do have a cycst in one of my ovaries which could be causing me some pain. Otherwise they think the pain I'm having is just normal. I am exactly 8 weeks and 5 days.

Sad, worried, there's no way to put all my moods into one category

Thursday I broke down and decided to call my OB's office to see if I should come in for an earlier appointment.  I have been having pain for at least a week now on my lower left side.  I've been hoping it's just from the vein that is messed up in that area.  And I think I've been going with a what-you-don't-know-won't-hurt-you philosophy subconsciously.  My fear, as it's been from the beginning of this pregnancy, is that it's an ectopic pregnancy.  For those of you that don't know, that would mean that the embryo attached itself inside of one of the fallopian tubes.  It would also mean I would be forced to terminate the pregnancy.  I hate the idea of that.  I know it's not abortion but it still doesn't make it feel any better. (not that I'm wholly against abortion but I am when it comes to ME)  If I didn't have surgery to remove the embryo, we would both die as eventually, the tube would burst and I would bleed to death.  There's that little part of me that thinks women are told things like that a lot during pregnancy and yet you see them go through with it and let whatever happens happens and they both end up living.  It's always been a big fear of mine when it came to getting pregnant.  It would be an awful decision to make.  My husband and well, really no one, was completely aware that I was having any issues as far as pain.  I would just say owe occasionally when I coughed or laughed too hard.  I think my husband took it as normal pregnancy stuff.  I actually spoke with one of the on call doctors at my OB's office and he is concerned.  I have to call back during normal business hours tomorrow to make my appointment with my normal OB-GYN.  If he feels there's anything suspicious or to be concerned about, he'll order an ultrasound.  I just hope they schedule me quickly as this isn't something I really want to sit around and worry about.  If this turns out to be ectopic, I will be a little upset with my regular md.  Apparently dizziness is one of the bigger symptoms of an ectopic.  And he seemed to think I was overreacting when I was in there last time.  One thing is certain, I should be able to hear the heartbeat at the appointment.  It's disconcerting to realize it may be the only time I hear it. 

Usual whining from a pregnant woman

These last few weeks I have felt like a coiled rattle snake that everyone wants to poke with a stick.  I don't want to be the rattle snake, honestly but with these damn hormones... 

I don't know how much higher my blood pressure could've gotten today.  First thing today, I see that my MIL has called from her work.  It's never a good thing when she calls during the day.  It ALWAYS means she wants something.  I checked the machine but there was no message.  (not that I would've been the one to call her back... I don't deal with my husband's certifiably insane mother)  I go to my mom's and complain about how I know that she's called my husband's cell wanting something.  I talked to my husband and he tells me that she called wanting him to LEAVE work and take OUR car to her because her's won't start.  She knew this was coming for MONTHS.  Her car hasn't been starting on and off.  Do you think she even attempted to save anything to take care of it herself?  Yeah right.  This woman thinks the world owes her because she had a shitty life and an ex-husband that beat the shit out of her.  I don't owe her anything, notta, nil.  My husband says he went and picked up her prescriptions and that was the end of it.  I'm thinking I can go home without blowing a gasket.  I get there and think I see my husband pulling out of the driveway so instead of stopping at the front door, like I normally do, I drive up to the garage to see where he's going.  No, it's my MIL, driving my husband's car.  Ok, blood pressure is rising.  She's acting like I should be happy to see her and says that her car is messed up again.  (in a way that says I should say awww you poor pathetic thing)  I nod but say nothing, hoping she'll just leave but I know since I have Jasmine, that's not going to happen.  She says, I was going to just say hi to her.  I'm like fine whatever, then maybe she'll go before I kill her.  I go to get Jasmine and Tarin (I took one of my aussie's with me to my mom's house) and she shuts off the engine to our car.  Shit, that means she's thinking she's staying for a while.  (not happening because I was on my way to tell husband to make his mother go... now)  Husband comes outside and goes to bring Tarin into the backyard when that little piece of crap foster dog, Monty runs through the gate... and doesn't stop running.  All these things go through my head, he's going to get hit, I'm going to have to explain what happened to the board of directors.  I take off running down my (fairly long) driveway screaming his name and no, no, no, like a crazy person.  I almost caught up to him when he hit the street but being that I'm human and know that cars make you go splat, I stopped to look.  A car was coming but they slowed way down when they saw the dog.  Monty gets into the neighbors yard across the street and starts sniffing things so I figure maybe he'll chill out and I can catch him but as soon as I get across the street he starts to take off again.  That is until he noticed how close I was, then he rolled on his back and tucked his tail.  He got carried very NOT nicely back up the driveway, me cursing the entire time.  So now I'm in a really bad mood.  Shawn takes Jasmine away from his mom and tells Jas that she's leaving and his mom is like oh, okay.  After I'm in the house for a while I hear the whole story.  She has rent due... days ago and didn't bother to go out and pay it then so now she has no car and has to pay her rent.  She also has a bill due that was due days ago but again, too lazy to go out and do it.  I have no idea why my husband loaned the car to him.  We have bailed her out so many times that I could buy myself a new car with all the money we've GIVEN her (because even if she says she'll pay us back, you might as well kiss it goodbye because it doesn't happen), gas wasted taking her from here to there, arguments that me and my husband have had over her.  (he's a sick of her as I am but I get pissed when he gives into her and then bitches to me about it)  I have never said a negative word to my MIL's face but had she been here tonight after I heard everything, she would've left crying.  I am just so fed up with putting everything on hold for whatever she needs.  She only calls when she wants/needs something from us.  She's in her fifties for christ sake when does she become the parent?  I have no sympathy for people who put themselves in the situations their in because of plain laziness.  I knew this would happen eventually.  That old Toyota wouldn't last forever.  I've asked my husband for years what is going to happen when that car dies.  His response has always been basically I don't know and she's shit out of luck.  She has no idea that I'm pregnant and won't know for at the very least several more months unless my husband says it to her in a nasty way.  (he doesn't want her to know, I couldn't care less)  I know I say very little about her, ever, mainly because I was always concerned that she'd find my blog and then be hurt and as much as I can't stand this woman, I am not someone who goes out and purposely hurts people. (if I was this blog would be a whole lot longer and then I'd email it to her for effect)  I'm just almost to that point of not caring anymore whether she knows or not.  It won't make a difference.  I've heard the phone conversations between my husband and her and no matter what he's ever said to her, she calls again two weeks later asking again for something.  *sigh*  I was hoping writing about it would make me feel better but alas, I was wrong.

I think I've actually been losing weight the last few weeks.  I'm having such a hard time eating much of anything that it's a wonder I haven't gotten sick from it.  Tonight for dinner I was able to choke down one whole hotdog before I started feeling like it should just come right back up.  I forced another one down as I knew I wouldn't be eating again for a while.  That was the extent of what I've eaten today, no wait, that's a lie, I had a small bowl of ice cream later on.  I always feel hungry but eating is so painful that I'd rather deal with the hunger pains for as long as possible.  I'll make up for it when I stop feeling like death. 

I keep forgetting to update on the kittens.  They made a huge turn after just one night of medication.  I gave them medicine the first night and then went to bed.  I honestly wasn't sure if the little white one would be alive in the morning.  She could hardly breathe at all with the gunk in her nose.  When I went in to check on them, she had no gunk, no nothing.  Everyone will continue getting their medicine for a while longer and then they can be fixed and sent on their way. 

Just when you thought you knew me

I've been noticing trend lately among animal based message boards and forums.  If you go on these forums and profess you love for animals of all shapes and kinds, promise to protect them when you can, save who you can and love them unconditionally, you get criticized for it.  People say that there are more important things in the world than some homeless animal, like starving children in Ethiopia.  Some of these people seem to assume that because we defend the helpless and the voiceless, that we are completely callous to human suffering.  What they're really missing, most people who are protective of animals, are just as protective over those humans that are helpless.  (children in particular)  And typically, these same people who are calling us out on our callousness, do nothing to help the causes that they are preaching.  I cannot tell you how many times I have cried at the thought of starving children around the world.  Or of the children that are forced into organized slavery from the time they can coordinate hand movements.  I cry for those who become homeless and cannot find a way to get their heads above water again.  I think those that feel animal suffering so very deeply, feel all living things suffering the same way.  I can do something about homeless animals, it's within my reach.  I cannot stop the starving children in Africa.  I cannot change their government.  If I had to choose between saving those animals and feeding those children, believe it or not, I would choose the children.  But this is within my grasp.  I can do it and then see the results.  If I send money to some organization that claims to feed starving children, I have no way of knowing that any money or food ever reached those kids.  I don't want to line the pockets of rich men.  I guess I'm just trying to say, if you're out there reading this and you have ever had the feelings about an animal lover that some of these people appear to have had, stop and think where are deep love and appreciation for living things comes from.  It doesn't matter to us if it's a cat, human or a hedgehog, we love them all.

Du-Dum... Du-Dum... oh wait that's Jaws not Jurasic park

My husband has been working 13 hour days recently and it's really starting to aggravate me.  (volunteered overtime)  Not because I need help with Jasmine or that I'm pregnant or even that I miss him so much that I can't stand to be away from him for a few extra hours.  No, it's because, damnit I'm hungry.  If I wait for him to have dinner, I'll be waiting till at least 7pm.  My tummy just can't go that long.  And then if I have dinner without him, I have to make something just for me and Jas which isn't an easy task.  It would also be meatless because I don't handle meat.  That's left up to my husband.  I could always go out and get something to eat but then I feel guilty because after working 13 hours, my husband has to fend for himself completely.  Plus, it kind of sucks going out on your own.  (although I've done it on several occasions)  On top of everything, we haven't went to the grocery store yet this week so anything I make, I have to go out and buy first.  Sheesh, what kind of life is that?  I have to go OUT and get the food then MAKE the food?  (for those who can't hear that, it's sarcasm)  I'm currently eating a rare delicacy in my house.  A grilled cheese.  Oh yes, laugh if you must but it is a rare day that we have cheese, bread and butter in the house all at the same time.  Usually because we don't buy much bread.  It somehow makes the grilled cheese less of a kids food and more of a nice snack.  Although, in order to eat an entire one on my own, I have to do it when the kid is asleep.  (yes even if I make her one first... I have an electric stove so by the time I'm done cooking MINE, she's already eaten hers)  Another thing that's annoying me lately, I can only eat in small amounts.  It's as if suddenly two or three slices of pizza is a huge amount.  (this coming from a girl that can normally easily eat an entire pizza all on her own)  I made lasagne (one of my favorite foods) at my mom's last week and was only able to have one piece.  It did not make for a happy preggasaurus rex.  (a nickname husband gave me with the last pregnancy, this one has been shortened as well to P. Rex) 

There has been a strange noise coming from the basement since yesterday in the early morning.  It's kind of like a whirling sound.  I hate the basement and avoid it at all costs.  A part of me was waiting to see how long it would not only take husband to notice the sound but then to go forth and find out what was making it.  However, it is driving me absolutely bat shit so I think I'll have to alert him to it when he gets home tonight.  I think it has something to do with the A/C.  The last time there was a noise downstairs (and I had to bitch, piss, whine and moan to get husband to check it out) there was a TON of water gushing out of one of our pipes.  I wanted to act like a child, sticking my finger in his face saying I told you so, told you so, told you so.  ;)  I restrained myself.  Well I'm going to eat my second grilled cheese and try to get to sleep.  The restless leg syndrome has kicked in early with this pregnancy... go figure.

You gonna do somethin'? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?

Taking Jasmine to the zoo tomorrow.  It only takes about an hour to get through all together so I'd like to take the dogs (two or three of them, not all seven!) down to the river for a walk.  We'll see how it goes though.  Always depends on how I'm feeling and how high everyone's emotions are running by that point and time.  It'll be pretty warm out so I'll have to find something comfortable and light to wear for both me and Jasmine.  It's been difficult as I already have a little swelling in my abdomen.  Happens faster the second time around.  I would just like it to be one way or the other.  For those who haven't had kids (or the few men out there), you go through a frustrating time during pregnancy where none of your pre-pregnancy stuff fits but neither does the maternity wear.  I thought the new maternity jeans I bought would be wearable from beginning to end but they're still falling off me.  Part of me wanted to buy a smaller size (I had already had a size small!) but I didn't want to fit into something now and then not when I'm huge.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  I suppose I'll finish watching Tombstone and go to sleep.  (I'm going through a western phase apparently)

By they way, the title to this blog is my favorite quote of Tombstone spoken by Wyatt Earp.