Neuter Scooter

It's been a long boring day today.  Had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to take 5 cats to the neuter scooter to get fixed.  I had only gotten two hours of sleep before it was time to get back up.  Didn't take as long to get them all in as I thought it would though since we did it online.  We came back home and I got in the shower, thinking I was actually going to leave the house at some point and time today but that didn't happen cause Danny wasn't feeling well.  I fell asleep for about two hours and woke up to the phone ringing.  It was Shawn, he left a message saying he was going to need help picking up the cats this evening.  When he called back later I told him I wouldn't be here so he decided to have someone else help him.  I obviously didn't end up going anywhere so I was here when he got here.  Very uncomfortable.  All the cats did good though.  Tomorrow I'll probably be at Danny's most of the day helping them move the rest of the stuff at the old house.  I really need to get a job so I don't have to worry about all this crap anymore.  All my animals are almost out of food.  Thankfully I have a really nice mom *grin* that will help me out until I can find work.  I might have to beg my dad for some money here soon.  I just hope he's feeling sympathetic... doubtful but worth a try none the less.  Well, I'd better get ready to go to bed.  Wouldn't it be nice to never be bored ever again?  A girl can dream.

Calm After the Storm

Today I'm in a much better mood than the other day.  Much calmer.  I had a talk with my friends and it's not so much that they've been avoiding me, just that they needed time away from everything that's been going on as much as I have.  Shawn's not living with Danny anymore, he moved in with his brother so my best friend's house is now safe territory for me.  We didn't do much today.  Went and picked Dina up after picking up at the old house.  We went to Hacienda but I don't have any money so I just drank a coke and ate the free chips.  It was alright though.  I just like getting out of the house.  I can't wait to get a job.  Soon we'll be having a lot more fun.  I just need to pay for the neccesaties and pay everyone back and I'll be straight.  After I get some money we're going to have a small party and have some much needed fun.  I'll probably be staying at Danny's every once and a while when Dina's not there.  I would stay there when she is there but I know they need their "own" time as much as anyone else.  Micky's not really speaking to me right now.  He seems uncomfortable with me since he had a "talk" with Shawn.  I think Shawn told him all the bad stuff about me and then he told Micky to stay away from me if he cared about me at all.  Mick gets into some trouble sometimes and Shawn was way worried about my safety.  There's really no reason to be worried though.  We haven't had any problems in the time I've been hanging out with Micky.  I hope Shawn's doing ok at his brother's house.  I hate that he really had no where to go but here.  I keep telling myself it's not my problem anymore but when you're with someone that long, you still worry about them.  

We got some new arrivals at work recently.  A lady came by with 5 baby raccoon's who had lost their mother when she got hit by a car.  They're sooooo cute!!!  We'll be releasing them after we've weaned them off of us.  They're like velcro.  They crawl onto your arm and just hang there.  We also got a baby deer.  She's a little fawn with the smallest amount of white on her.  She was found on a golf course.  I don't know yet what we'll be doing with her.  It's a lot harder to release a deer than coon's back into the wild.  Maybe we can find a wildlife sanctuary that will take her.  We got in a LOT of black cats recently.  There's somewhere around ten of them and then a little gray cat.  They're going to be hard to adopt out.  I've had my two black female foster's for several months now and have had no one that's interested in them.  My parakeets are up to 7 eggs now.  I surely wish I knew if they were going to hatch or not.  I really need to read up on this stuff in case they do.  Gollum's a busy boy, always laying on the eggs.  He probably wishes the females would stop laying them already.  Well, I've got a quick email to write and then I'm off to bed.

Lonesome

I never realized what real loneliness is until recently.  For a long time, almost five years, if I was upset and needed to talk to someone or bitch to someone, I always had Shawn.  I've never felt as alone as I did today.  He was here visiting with my mom and he made a comment about my friends going around talking behind my back.  I know he's telling the truth about at least some of it because there's no way he could know certain things without them telling him.  I didn't need to hear it though.  Sometimes I'd rather just be ignorant to the things going on around me.  Deep down I know who my friends are and aren't.  I've been a little clingy with my friends since me and Shawn split up.  I call them several times a day and I know it's driving them a little insane.  At any rate, I got very upset when I couldn't get a hold of Dina or Danny to ask them about it.  I feel like I'm being avoided like the plague, which is probably true.  I was balling today like crazy and didn't calm down until Dina gave me a valium and then I was pretty good.  It was a bad day for me.  I feel very alone.  I have no one to lean on right now.  I thought I had Micky but I guess I was wrong.  I need a car so that I can just go for a drive once and a while to clear my head.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere right now.  I'm uncomfortable at home because Shawn is here a lot of the time or else I'm worried he's going to show up.  I feel like I'm inconveniencing my friends when they come and pick me up.  I'm just adjusting I guess.

~Animals~

Yesterday I noticed that one of my cats, Jake, his hair looked funny.  I really didn't think too much of it.  This morning it still looked funny so I called him over and was petting him.  He has a huge lump on the side of his head, right under his ear, where his jaw line is.  I don't know what it is.  He doesn't seem to be in any pain though.  It worries me, obviously.  I don't know if maybe when everything was being moved, maybe he got his head smashed into a door or something dropped on him.  I really think it was something along those lines because this thing just showed up within the last few days.  I can't imagine a tumor growing that fast.  I'll just have to watch and wait for now.  I also noticed that my brother's dog, Snoopy was having some discharge from his eyes.  Now at first I thought nothing of it because Mia had the same thing a week or so ago and it was just kind of an eye cold.  I looked at him in the right light though and noticed his third eyelid was infected and a little swollen.  He'll be getting some medicine for that soon.  Also the day before yesterday, the dogs all got into a fight outside.  August attacked Mia, Takota attacked August for attacking Mia and for once August lost.  It's only the second fight that she's ever been injured out of.  I just let them go at it now.  I used to get in the middle and scream and pull them apart but I've learned that they eventually stop and usually there's less injuries when I'm not involved. 

Things are about the same with Shawn as they were the other day.  He obviously still hates me.  I don't blame him.  I just wish he could be happy now instead of in the future.  I want only the best for him.  Too bad I didn't show him that when we broke up though.  There's people that are trying to get me to be this vindictive bitch towards him but I'm just not that kind of person.  He can squeal his tires, rant and rave all he wants, I'm not going to do anything shitty towards him.  There's a lot of weird circumstances.  If it could be me hurting right now instead of him, I would trade him, I swear I would.  That's not possible obviously though.  I don't want him to be hurting.  I will always love him.  That will never change.  I'm just not in love with him and haven't been for a while now.  It's not fair to either of us if we would've stayed together.  He deserves better than that.  Well, I'm going to go talk to Joe and then I'm gonna take something to make me fall asleep.  Sleeping doesn't seem to come soon enough here recently.  It's like I never ever feel tired.  Even when I take something, it doesn't seem to help.  I can only imagine what a hard time he's having sleeping. 

Strange

Not a whole lot new today. I think Dina's dad might have been a little inappropriate with me. He's a scary guy. A nam vet who knows more about weapons and killing people than anyone I've ever met. Trust me when I say he's very intimidating. At any rate, I've only been to her house a handfull of times. I've always been friendly with her parents, that's how I was brought up, no matter how scary he might be. Today, I ended up sitting in between her mom and dad on the couch. That didn't bother me at first. I've sat next to both of them a time or two and actually get along really well with her mom. Some how he got this idea in his head that it would be ok to start rubbing my back. And he went to turn me so that it was easier for him and I swear he cupped my boob. I sat very tense and uncomfortable but didn't say anything. On the way home  I asked Danny and Micky what the hell it was all about and they said he does it to a lot of the girls that come over there. It's just weird. I don't even near want to sit next to him again. He's not the type of guy you get shitty with. It's very clear he'll hit anyone and that he enjoys doing it. I think I'll sit as close to Dina as possible from now on. Me and Micky need to have a talk as well. We're half assed dating right now. It's weird after being with someone for five years and then being with someone new. I'm sure people are going, geez what a bitch, she didn't even wait a week after they were broke up. I wasn't happy for a long time though and felt like we had broke up a long time ago. I had already mourned our relationship. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone out there but that's just the way I feel. My room feels much smaller now. I have a twin bed instead of a queen, that's taking some getting used to. I have bruises all over my legs from hitting them on the walls. I also have no tv or stereo. I've borrrowed our very small kitchen tv for the time being. It can't be any bigger than 10 inches. I know it's not 13 inches because that's how big the other tv I have is, only Mia ate the cord on it. I don't know if Shawn is ever going to pick up this lizard of his. I can't afford it and I didn't want the thing. She's got two crickets left and that's it till I don't know when. If he's going to leave her here for a while then he needs to pay for her. I don't know if he just forgot to get crickets becauseof everything that was happening or what. I'll have to send him a message through Danny, which is who he's living with, Danny's parents that is.

I worked my ass off today. Carried a huge dog crate down the stairs by myself. I cleaned out the water troughs for the dogs and horses and washed the horses down with the hose right quick. It doesn't seem like a lot but it was almost 90 out today and humid as hell. Walking to the corner was like hell.

Calm

Well, me and Shawn broke up on Saturday. Everyone is pissed at me. They either aren't speaking to me or they're only yelling. Makes for a happy and comfortable living situation. I feel terrible that Shawn is hurting. I honestly do. I always thought I'd freak out when this day came but all I could feel was calm. Like a sense of relief. I'm not scared or worried about what's going to happen now that we aren't together anymore. I'm going to get a job asap and take care of things from there. Hopefully I already have one lined up that I can get to and from rather easily. It won't be ready for about another month at least but I'd be making at least 40 hours a week. I'll take care of my animals and then put money in the bank out of every paycheck. I was planning on getting a brand new car but things have changed since then. I'll get a nice used car and save the rest of my money for the future. Whatever that brings. Well, this is going to be a rather short entry. I want to get to bed before the birds start chirping. Just thought I'd update ya'll on what's going on. Sorry I haven't been writing as usual but things have been hectic.

Just sad

Monday night, me and DH split up. We were back together before morning but it's going to be a long rocky road. Neither one of us has been happy for a long time. Somewhere along the way we just became friends. And that's all we were. I was running away from our problems the last month by spending every waking moment at Danny and Dina's house. I knew I wasn't solving anything but it was just much easier than dealing with it all. Then, he came to their house Monday night and we went for a drive and within ten minutes it was over. No yelling, just over. I still don't know what's going to happen. We have a lot of stuff we need to work out though. I have a lot of my own stuff I need to get straight as well. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow but I just don't think I can deal with it all yet. I don't know what I need but going to work tomorrow isn't real high on my list of things. I just feel like I've completely screwed up everyone's lives and put it all on hold. Everyone's all emotional now. My mom's upset, my brother's upset, my best friend is upset. I just wish I could see into the future. When DH left, I thought I was doing what was right for him and he was trying to do what was right for me. Once I got home though, I broke down to my mom and was just plain freaking out. I called him and had my mom talk to him and he decided to come home and see how things went. I just hope we're not putting off the obvious. It hurts so much to think that we might not be together at some point and time. I don't know what to do, say or think anymore.