The this and the That of it

I have a little of this and a little of that for this entry.  We'll start with more pleasant things and move on.  On Monday, we headed to Indy to the zoo down there.  It was hot.  Pregnant and hot, don't really mix too well.  I had to sit down frequently.  I had remembered the zoo to be huge so we got there hours early.  It's not huge.  We were scheduled to see the dolphin show at 4:30... we were pretty much done seeing the entire zoo by 2.  We took the train a second time, sat in the dolphin dome for a while, walked aimlessly, ate ice cream and then got to the dolphin show an hour early, hoping they'd open the doors.  We sat inside waiting for it to start for over a half hour.  In that time, Jasmine fell asleep.  I really didn't think she'd wake back up for the show but she did, and promptly fell back to sleep in the car.  We touched sharks, Jas really enjoyed that and didn't want to leave them.  We had an invite to my aunt and uncle's at their house a few miles out of Indy so we headed there after the zoo.  Honestly, I enjoyed the few hours we were at their house, way more than the entire zoo trip.  I think Jasmine may have as well.  My cousin took her on the trampoline and watched a movie with her, which was a big hit.  My husband and I got to spend time just talking with my aunt and uncle.  Conversation with them always flows easily, no matter how long it's been since the last time we've seen them. 

Onto things that currently annoy me.  I'm really getting fed up with a friend of my husband's.  This couple, particularly the wife, complain about being broke constantly.  If they were really broke, I would understand, being broke sucks and misery loves company.  However, they are far from it.  When you have over ten grand just sitting in your savings, you are not broke.  The funny thing is, the wife has no idea that we know the amount of money in their accounts, the amount of all their bills, etc.  The husband tells my husband every single detail of their lives, therefore, we know they're not broke.  It's just really aggravating, knowing we are struggling and then hearing someone else complain about money.  It's even more aggravating when my husband is doing them a favor and we use most of our gas driving around doing this favor.  I'm not as nice as my husband.  He gets used a bit because he wants to do nice things for his friends and help them out.  Whereas I'm the one saying why are we breaking our backs for someone who wouldn't do the same for us?  I have no problem helping out a friend but I want to help the people that I know would do the same for me if the situation was reversed.  That doesn't mean I expect something from them if we help them but it's nice to know that if I needed it, I wouldn't really even have to ask, they'd be there.  I think as I get older, I'm getting harder to please.  I expect people to be... better than they turn out to be sometimes.  I guess I expect their morals and values to be a little higher than they are.  Most of the time, they'd rather get something for nothing and then complain when something is expected of them, even if it's a meaningful thank you.  And I'm speaking of the human race in general here, not one individual.  The only people I count on, are myself and family.  Anyone else, I have a jaded opinion of before they even earn it.  I have really only one set of friends that I know I can count on if I needed them and they're more my mom's friends than mine.  But at least I know they are other people out there that feel my same right and wrong.  Like I said, I think I'm becoming a hard person to deal with the older I get.  By the time I turn 60, you will all have to be saints in order to have my approval for friendship.  ;)~

And now, it's thundering

I'm actually going to an adoption event tomorrow for the first time in weeks.  I don't wanna.  ;)  I'm not a fan of being forced to be anywhere at any particular time.  It's a big reason why working has never, well, worked for me.  It doesn't help that I hate taking Doodle anywhere at all.  She's absolutely awful on a leash.  I really hope someone takes her on a home visit tomorrow.  She's becoming a major pain in my ass.  She and my doberman, Cash have started to hate each other.  I already have the problem with the pit bull, Rocky.  I have to let him out separately from everyone else.  Everything that happens with him is when everyone else is isolated to prevent a problem.  I just don't have the energy to do that with two dogs, particularly when one isn't mine.  Cash has been starting the fights but Doodle is definitely finishing them.  I'm concerned that if it continues, I will have a vet bill on my hands for stitches to my dumb doberman.  The first time I had Doodle, they got along so well that Cash was depressed the first few days she was gone.  I guess something changed in the time she was away.  In general, I'm just burnt out on the animals.  There have been plenty of times that I've wished I didn't have to deal with someone or another one a particular night but right now, I don't want to deal with any of them, at all.  I hope I get over it soon. 

After I get home, we're heading to one of my favorite local restaurants, Rocco's.  They are closing for three weeks for a family vacation and it's their last night open.  It's going to be a long three weeks without their spaghetti and pizza!  Husband may or may not be going fishing tomorrow night.  It's the only night of his vacation that I said he could go at night.  In the morning is one thing but at night, I get frustrated because I want help and he's out playing in the water.  He may not be able to go however if it rains as they are predicting.  We'll see what happens.  Sunday, he is participating in a charity go-cart race with my brother and dad.  The go-carts go a ridiculous 80mph.  I may stop up and say hi for a few minutes but I don't think I can handle watching that.  My dad used to race cars (and sometimes still does) and it would just make me sick to watch.  You just sit there and wait for "the" wreck.  I never wanted him to be winning because, usually the guys in front are aggressive and bump.  Whereas, no one gives a crap about you if you're at the tail end of everyone.  I told my husband I'll probably bring him something to drink and then leave.  Hmmm, I wonder what they'll do if it decides to rain Sunday?  Monday, we'll probably be heading for Indianapolis to go to the zoo down there.  It looks to be the coolest day for the week, even though 82 isn't really what I consider cool.  Wednesday, I have my doctor's appointment to try and hear the baby's heartbeat again.  I'm assuming if that doesn't go as planned, I'll be scheduled for another ultrasound.  The doctor I'm seeing tends to like to play everything on the safe side so I'm sure that's the route he'll go if that's the case.  For now, I'm trying not to think about it and just enjoy everyone being on vacation.

Long weekend

It's been a long weekend.  I think all the stress from the week before had me kind of blogged out.  Every night I would tell myself I would get something out there and every night I put it off and went to bed.  Friday was one of the best days I've had in a really, really long time.  I woke up and was ready to leave within a half hour.  I went up to Old Navy (by myself!!!  Shawn watched Jasmine... Oh heaven...) and picked out two maternity tee's and a shirt for Jasmine since they were 75% off.  I'm just not comfortable wearing anything tight fitting right now as I still feel like I just look like I put on fat weight and not pregnant weight.  On the way home, I had the radio up, and the windows down.  I was thinking I'm in a such a good mood that I just KNOW something is going to ruin it.  It happens every single time I'm having a good day, but not that day.  I whipped up some brownies to make at my mom's and headed in that direction.  (the brownies left something to be desired... more chocolate I think)  We cooked out on the grill and my uncle was there when I got there.  Everyone pitched in at least $25 for fireworks the week before.  Eventually my cousin and his girlfriend showed up.  She's nice but a little on the... let's call it blonde side.  Normally, I get uptight when the boys take control of things.  Especially when those things cost me a great deal more money than it did them.  I was fine though.  They lit everything off and I could've cared less in the order in which they were doing it.  I'm a control freak and want things to be done my way.  It was just a really good, relaxing day.  I wish every day was like that or even close.

Saturday we didn't do much.  Shawn had his co-workers little boat so we took that out on one of the lakes.  I've actually never been on a boat and I get pretty seasick in the ocean (not for hours AFTER I've gotten out of the water though) and was worried that I wouldn't make it far into the water before we had to go back.  The lake we were on, you couldn't use a motor unless it was battery operated so it was slow going.  I had my feet in the water almost the entire time.  The fish were jumping pretty close to the boat and I was getting concerned that they would mistake me for bait.  I'm sure it would've given me a jolt.  We just putted around the lake for a while and looked at the geese.  Once we got back to shore, I noticed the goose that was there when we went out, was still there and he was still panting heavily.  I don't like geese.  I'm actually pretty scared of them.  You wouldn't think they would really be able to injure you since they have no teeth but their wings really hurt and I've had them come after me on more than one occasion.  I eventually emptied out my drink, filled it with water and slowly made my way over to Mr. Goose.  He got up and walked away and that's when I realized he probably had a broken leg.  Poor thing.  There wasn't much I could do about it though.  We ended the night by watching a movie.  Another fairly relaxing day.

Sunday, I got very little sleep.  It never goes well for everyone around me when I am sleep deprived.  We had to be at my dad's to do Jasmine's birthday stuff and eat.  I cut it pretty short.  I was just too tired to sit around make idle chit-chat.  We went home and tried to get the pool set up that we borrowed from my mom.  Once we got the water going, we went out for some dinner.  When we got back, I decided that there was no way the pool would stay standing where it was.  The ground was just too slanted in that area and it would've spilled over.  We moved it after draining 3 hours worth of water out of it.  We had to get up at 6am the next morning and since it was already getting late, we decided just to let the hose go the night and we'd turn it off in the morning.  I had major issues getting Jasmine to stay asleep due to a thunderstorm so around 2am, I got up to check the water level.  Good thing I did too as it was very full.  Jasmine didn't fall asleep till around 3:30am.  We were going with my mom, brother and his girlfriend hiking down in central Indiana for the day.  Of course, Jasmine didn't sleep the entire way there, meaning I didn't either.  I was going on about six hours sleep for two days.  We stopped for lunch when we were about ten minutes away from the park and that's when she decided to pass out.  *sigh* We walked one trail and then came home.  My brother's girlfriend fell on the stairs and busted her leg up and I don't think anyone was up for another trail.  (they take a few hours each to complete and are pretty rugged, particularly with the amount of rain we've had in recent months)  Now we're up to date on everything.  ;)

It continues

Well, husband failed his test.  What I had done last night was go looking for his stash.  I found two closed packs, one open.  I took one of the closed packs and hid it where he would absolutely never find it.  This way I would know without a doubt whether or not he bought any more packs.  This evening, after he went to sleep, I went out to see what had happened.  He had smoked the entire two remaining packs and bought two more.  It's like being stabbed in the chest all over again.  I had to ask him when he was planning on getting the script filled in order for him to actually go and do it.  I'm on speaking terms with him, although I doubt I would've bothered if I didn't have family shit going on this weekend where I had to play nice.  Plus, with the other stuff going on, I really need my husband to actually be there for me.  I'm just very torn at the moment.  I can't stand to be in the same room with him and act normal but at the same time, I need him.  But I can't trust him.  He says he's going to finish the last of what he has while he's taking the Chantix.  It makes it difficult to believe when he's bought two more packs in the last 24 hours.  Anything he says is difficult to believe.  I'm having a hard time dealing with it all.  He's going to be warned when he gets up that if he buys anymore and I find them, they're gone.  At the same time, if I tell him that, it just shows that I'm onto him and he'll try to hide it better.  I just don't know what to do.  He claims to have been feeling guilty the entire time but he made the decision, I'm not going to feel badly for him and his guilt.  The only nice thing to come out of this, is that he is pretty much forced to do whatever I want in order to keep the peace.  He was planning on going fishing on Saturday.  I had come into the bedroom and asked him not to make plans for Saturday as far as fishing went so that I didn't have to listen to him on the 4th about how early he has to get up.  All it took was a second of me starting to get pissed and he said he wouldn't go.  And I'm so over his fishing.  He's always going and I always get to listen to the fact that he has to go to bed early to get up at the crack of dawn to try and catch things that he has no plans on eating.  I'm sick of a lot of things.

When will it be enough

I can't sleep.  I had a hard time last night too but that was more because I couldn't stop crying.  There are all these questions swirling through my head that I know I'll never receive a direct answer to, nor do I feel like asking the questions right now.  My brain is just on overload right now, after all it's been an extremely stressing two days.  One second I'll be wondering if I just felt movement from the baby or if it was my imagination.  The next, I'm wondering how long my husband has been lying to me and to what extent.  I'm wondering if I'll ever even want to be around those people that called themselves my friend.  I know one of the guys my husband is friend's with, I want nothing to do with anymore and just a few days ago I thought he was a really nice guy.  I don't think I ever really got the saying ignorance is bliss till yesterday.  It would've been nice to have never known but at the same time, I think I would've wondered about all these inconsistency's that have been showing up here and there.  And the more I think about it, one of the more upsetting things is when I felt like my husband didn't want to be around me or Jasmine anymore and would rather being doing something else because he seemed so preoccupied whenever we did do anything.  Now I'm realizing he probably wanted to smoke the entire time and couldn't while he was with us.  I was really upset about the whole thing at the time.  It hurts to feel like you're just plain not wanted around by your husband.  And then to think it could've been avoided if he hadn't been an idiot.  I wonder when did just smoking while drinking at the bar, turned into buying his own packs and smoking all the time.  When did he make that decision?  Did he even think about how it would effect us when he did it?  And it doesn't seem like he even cares about anything, as long as I get over it quickly.  All the nights that I cried for hours after Jasmine went to sleep, they don't matter because it's in the past.  It only matters when it directly effects him.  I've been vague on purpose about anything surrounding what's happening with my pregnancy the last 24 hours.  For one, I just didn't feel like talking to him.  I wanted to yell at him.  Hit him.  The last thing I wanted to do was talk.  I still don't want to talk to him.  I don't want to be around him.  And I don't think there's much he can do right now to change that.  It would've helped his case immensely if he had stopped smoking immediately.  Buying another pack today was not his best move and just further caused me to be angry.  I don't even know what I'm feeling.  It might be easier if I didn't have the pregnancy to worry about as well but when you mix it all together, the emotions don't make much sense anymore.  I wonder how many nights I'm going to sit here crying.  How many nights I'm going to want to stay at my mom's rather than sleep in the same room with him.  Right now, being able to sleep would be enough.

At least my life sucks consistently

First of all, yesterday before the shit hit the fan, we had been at the beach for several hours.  (we being me, my mom and Jasmine)  It was Jasmine's first time to the beach to actually swim.  The other times we've been, it's been cold out and it was for the dogs to play.  She was a little scared of the waves at first (we were on lake Michigan) but warmed up quickly and never wanted to get out.  (which by the way, the water was ice frickin cold... do kids just not feel that??)  I put sunscreen on myself and then on Jasmine.  I apparently couldn't reach a very large area on my back.  Made more apparent by the end of the night when I had the worst sunburn I've ever had.  It hurts like a bitch.  On the bright side, I didn't miss a single spot on Jasmine, although being that she is 25% latina, she probably wouldn't have burned anyways.  My back hurts pretty constant, even if it's not touching something. 

Now onto the even shittier part of my day.  I had an OB appointment today.  One of the first things he did was the doppler to listen to the heartbeat.  He couldn't find it.  Now I have another appointment in two weeks in which time I have to sit and wonder if my baby is even still alive.  A part of me thinks I just felt him this morning but the other part of me is questioning if I really felt anything or if it was all in my head.  And then I'm wondering if that's the reason I suddenly had no morning sickness and could eat whatever I wanted, without feeling sick.  He didn't seem concerned, I don't think.  I don't know.  He originally ordered an ultrasound until I mentioned that I'd just had one on this month due to pain I was experiencing so he decided that we'd just wait and see.  Easy for him.  I think he was going to have me come back in four weeks and then changed his mind.  (probably due to the look on my face)  I told my husband via text message as I still have no want to speak with him much.  He thought that meant that I needed him to come home and I told him not to bother.  Then of course, later in the evening he decided he wanted to talk to me (while he was at his friends house no less so everyone could hear exactly what was being said) and called my phone.  That ended with me hanging up on him and launching my cell phone across my mom's front yard.  (give me credit, I wanted to throw it on the cement and smash it into little pieces but I knew I'd regret it within a few hours)  On top of that, I found that he has three packs of cigarettes (two brand new) when he's supposedly quitting tomorrow.  So I'm conducting a little experiment.  I'll let you know how that goes but can't say what it is at the moment in case he some how still has the link to my journal.  Since all this happened I've been going through his crap like a drug dog.  I found half smoked cigarettes in the garage, leaving me to believe that he was smoking when I suddenly interrupted him.  (he would never leave one unsmoked, just not like him)  I get to hear about how guilty he felt and that's part of the reason he was quitting but in the same breath that he was never planning on telling me, ever.  And if he had just told me from the beginning, I would've been pissed but I wouldn't have lost trust and respect in him.  It would be ridiculous hard for me to hide something from him for any amount of time so for him to do it so easily for months is just unacceptable to me at this point and time.  It's not an easy thing to gain my trust completely.  I've been screwed over and hurt by too many people in the past so you never want to lose some of that trust because it's even hard to gain it back than it was the first time around.  He doesn't seem to understand that.  In his opinion, he didn't cheat on me so I shouldn't lose any trust in him.  He's not getting it.  You lie to someone for all that time, it's going to be hard to trust them again.  Especially when the only reason you found out about the lie was by accident.  This weekend shall be interesting.  I have the 4th with my mom, uncle, brother, his girlfriend and my grandmother.  I have to act "normal" for at least that night.  Then on Sunday I may have a thing with my dad.  Another day to act the part.  And by the way, the only reason I didn't smash all his cigarettes to little bits was because I knew he'd only go out and buy more, costing us more money.  However, if he continues to smoke and doesn't quit as he said he would, I will start smashing them, pack by pack, to hell with the money, until he realizes he either quits, goes bankrupt, or loses his marriage.  I just don't get how he doesn't see this as a big deal.  I've been told I'm overreacting, even though I've stated several times that the HUGE elephant of an issue is the LYING.  I just don't understand how you can lie like that for all that time to the person that you're supposed to be closest with.  Let me tell you, my house is a fun place to be right now, which is why I spent the day at my mom's.

Living with the Liar

When your friends omit something from you on a daily basis, doesn't that make it lie?  Particularly when it's something important that has to do with your husband?  Tonight, while I was waiting for aol to connect to the broadband, I was flipping around Shawn's wallet and just being bored.  For once, I wasn't snooping.  I noticed two prescriptions and looked at them.  One was for a drug called Chantix.  This drug is used in quitting smoking.  My husband quit smoking a year or two ago.  I decided not to immediately go and confront him, thinking maybe the script was for a friend, it wouldn't be the first time he did that, trying to help a friend quit smoking.  I needed something else in order to feel confident saying anything to him.  I was going out to the truck but decided to check his lunchbox first.  There were two packs of cigarettes, one of which was open.  These were in my house, where my daughter could've easily found them.  Everyone around me knew about this for months.  They knew and they said nothing.  They allowed me to look like a fool, the only one who didn't know.  All this time, I have been saving money, hoping to have a little something when his vacation comes up in two days so that we could do something as a family.  All this time, I've been going without things to save money.  And all this time, he's been smoking our money away.  What a fool I am.  This was the first time in 9 years that I have fully trusted him.  The first time I didn't question where he was going, who he was going with, when he would be home.  It takes a lot for me to relinquish that kind of control, that insecurity.  Now I am a fool for that trust.  It started when he would go out drinking after work on Friday's, he would smoke.  All these signs have been there and I've ignored them, BECAUSE I trusted him.  The coughing all night long, the CONSTANT gum chewing (even when he's asleep), money being withdrawn from the bank, calling when I'm out to see if I was coming home soon or not, as if concerned.  I was even worried about him.  Why would he be coughing all night with no reason?  Oh, what a fool I've been.  When ever he's out with me and Jasmine, he seems annoyed, as if he doesn't want to be with us.  Now I know why.  He couldn't smoke.  And fyi, just so it doesn't seem like I'm someone who doesn't "get it."  I smoked for over seven years and quit on my own when I became pregnant with Jasmine and haven't smoked since then.  I KNOW what it takes to quit and I just don't understand why anyone would start back up after knowing how hard it was, particularly when you have a small child looking up to you.  How dare he?  So if you're one of those "friends" who received an email from me tonight, now you know why.  In my opinion you hold some of this betrayal.  You were supposed to be my friend.  If it was your husband, you would want to know and I, for one, would've told you.  I'm supposed to deal with the answer that he f-ked up and can admit it.  This is a big deal to me.  When the mortgage company, electric company, gas company, insurance company, is calling looking for their money, I know where to tell them it went.  When my daughter asks why she can't have something, I know where it went.  You lied so casually and I let you, I trusted you.  It won't happen again.  This is the last time I play the fool for you.