First of all, yesterday before the shit hit the fan, we had been at the beach for several hours. (we being me, my mom and Jasmine) It was Jasmine's first time to the beach to actually swim. The other times we've been, it's been cold out and it was for the dogs to play. She was a little scared of the waves at first (we were on lake Michigan) but warmed up quickly and never wanted to get out. (which by the way, the water was ice frickin cold... do kids just not feel that??) I put sunscreen on myself and then on Jasmine. I apparently couldn't reach a very large area on my back. Made more apparent by the end of the night when I had the worst sunburn I've ever had. It hurts like a bitch. On the bright side, I didn't miss a single spot on Jasmine, although being that she is 25% latina, she probably wouldn't have burned anyways. My back hurts pretty constant, even if it's not touching something.
Now onto the even shittier part of my day. I had an OB appointment today. One of the first things he did was the doppler to listen to the heartbeat. He couldn't find it. Now I have another appointment in two weeks in which time I have to sit and wonder if my baby is even still alive. A part of me thinks I just felt him this morning but the other part of me is questioning if I really felt anything or if it was all in my head. And then I'm wondering if that's the reason I suddenly had no morning sickness and could eat whatever I wanted, without feeling sick. He didn't seem concerned, I don't think. I don't know. He originally ordered an ultrasound until I mentioned that I'd just had one on this month due to pain I was experiencing so he decided that we'd just wait and see. Easy for him. I think he was going to have me come back in four weeks and then changed his mind. (probably due to the look on my face) I told my husband via text message as I still have no want to speak with him much. He thought that meant that I needed him to come home and I told him not to bother. Then of course, later in the evening he decided he wanted to talk to me (while he was at his friends house no less so everyone could hear exactly what was being said) and called my phone. That ended with me hanging up on him and launching my cell phone across my mom's front yard. (give me credit, I wanted to throw it on the cement and smash it into little pieces but I knew I'd regret it within a few hours) On top of that, I found that he has three packs of cigarettes (two brand new) when he's supposedly quitting tomorrow. So I'm conducting a little experiment. I'll let you know how that goes but can't say what it is at the moment in case he some how still has the link to my journal. Since all this happened I've been going through his crap like a drug dog. I found half smoked cigarettes in the garage, leaving me to believe that he was smoking when I suddenly interrupted him. (he would never leave one unsmoked, just not like him) I get to hear about how guilty he felt and that's part of the reason he was quitting but in the same breath that he was never planning on telling me, ever. And if he had just told me from the beginning, I would've been pissed but I wouldn't have lost trust and respect in him. It would be ridiculous hard for me to hide something from him for any amount of time so for him to do it so easily for months is just unacceptable to me at this point and time. It's not an easy thing to gain my trust completely. I've been screwed over and hurt by too many people in the past so you never want to lose some of that trust because it's even hard to gain it back than it was the first time around. He doesn't seem to understand that. In his opinion, he didn't cheat on me so I shouldn't lose any trust in him. He's not getting it. You lie to someone for all that time, it's going to be hard to trust them again. Especially when the only reason you found out about the lie was by accident. This weekend shall be interesting. I have the 4th with my mom, uncle, brother, his girlfriend and my grandmother. I have to act "normal" for at least that night. Then on Sunday I may have a thing with my dad. Another day to act the part. And by the way, the only reason I didn't smash all his cigarettes to little bits was because I knew he'd only go out and buy more, costing us more money. However, if he continues to smoke and doesn't quit as he said he would, I will start smashing them, pack by pack, to hell with the money, until he realizes he either quits, goes bankrupt, or loses his marriage. I just don't get how he doesn't see this as a big deal. I've been told I'm overreacting, even though I've stated several times that the HUGE elephant of an issue is the LYING. I just don't understand how you can lie like that for all that time to the person that you're supposed to be closest with. Let me tell you, my house is a fun place to be right now, which is why I spent the day at my mom's.
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