Living with the Liar

When your friends omit something from you on a daily basis, doesn't that make it lie?  Particularly when it's something important that has to do with your husband?  Tonight, while I was waiting for aol to connect to the broadband, I was flipping around Shawn's wallet and just being bored.  For once, I wasn't snooping.  I noticed two prescriptions and looked at them.  One was for a drug called Chantix.  This drug is used in quitting smoking.  My husband quit smoking a year or two ago.  I decided not to immediately go and confront him, thinking maybe the script was for a friend, it wouldn't be the first time he did that, trying to help a friend quit smoking.  I needed something else in order to feel confident saying anything to him.  I was going out to the truck but decided to check his lunchbox first.  There were two packs of cigarettes, one of which was open.  These were in my house, where my daughter could've easily found them.  Everyone around me knew about this for months.  They knew and they said nothing.  They allowed me to look like a fool, the only one who didn't know.  All this time, I have been saving money, hoping to have a little something when his vacation comes up in two days so that we could do something as a family.  All this time, I've been going without things to save money.  And all this time, he's been smoking our money away.  What a fool I am.  This was the first time in 9 years that I have fully trusted him.  The first time I didn't question where he was going, who he was going with, when he would be home.  It takes a lot for me to relinquish that kind of control, that insecurity.  Now I am a fool for that trust.  It started when he would go out drinking after work on Friday's, he would smoke.  All these signs have been there and I've ignored them, BECAUSE I trusted him.  The coughing all night long, the CONSTANT gum chewing (even when he's asleep), money being withdrawn from the bank, calling when I'm out to see if I was coming home soon or not, as if concerned.  I was even worried about him.  Why would he be coughing all night with no reason?  Oh, what a fool I've been.  When ever he's out with me and Jasmine, he seems annoyed, as if he doesn't want to be with us.  Now I know why.  He couldn't smoke.  And fyi, just so it doesn't seem like I'm someone who doesn't "get it."  I smoked for over seven years and quit on my own when I became pregnant with Jasmine and haven't smoked since then.  I KNOW what it takes to quit and I just don't understand why anyone would start back up after knowing how hard it was, particularly when you have a small child looking up to you.  How dare he?  So if you're one of those "friends" who received an email from me tonight, now you know why.  In my opinion you hold some of this betrayal.  You were supposed to be my friend.  If it was your husband, you would want to know and I, for one, would've told you.  I'm supposed to deal with the answer that he f-ked up and can admit it.  This is a big deal to me.  When the mortgage company, electric company, gas company, insurance company, is calling looking for their money, I know where to tell them it went.  When my daughter asks why she can't have something, I know where it went.  You lied so casually and I let you, I trusted you.  It won't happen again.  This is the last time I play the fool for you.