Past

I seem to have a problem letting the past just go on and be the past.  I can't let go of past friendships.  I have no problem letting go of past enemies.  That doesn't mean I ever want those people as friends, I just don't want to waste my time being hateful towards them.  The only person that hurts is me.  The friendship I probably miss the most, is Gary.  Because of circumstances surrounding the demise of our friendship, I don't know if I'll ever get that back.  I've considered contacting him and his wife several times but I don't like to do things on impulse so I've stopped myself.  Plus, I don't know what they're reaction would be upon hearing from me.  We had a falling out with his wife's sister and that was the end of our friendship.  I plan on contacting him shortly before going to pick up our puppy in September.  They live very close to where the breeder is so if our conversation  went well, we could stop by and see them.  I guess we'll see what happens. 

Exhausted

Feeling: Exhausted

 

Between my daughter and the stresses of buying a house, I am completely drained.  Every night I can't wait for her to fall asleep, only to lie awake for hours before sleep finally comes.  During the day, I can fall asleep with no problems, of course.  At the end of the day, I feel as though I've been doing manual labor for hours.  When all I've actually done is chase my daughter from one end of the house to the other.  You see, my mom's house isn't exactly child friendly, therefore, I have to watch Jasmine constantly.  There's little room for a break.  She even takes a nap during the day that lasts between 2 and 3 hours but it never seems to be long enough.  I had no idea what stress can do to you physically until recently.  I know you're probably wondering how I had time to finish a full book in under 24 hours.  I read while she was in the bath, asleep or playing close enough to me that I didn't have to keep both eyes on her.  When I finally do fall asleep at the end of the day (usually when the sun is coming up or is already up) I don't want to get back up.  I really think I would sleep for 24 hours if I was allowed to.  I would kick myself for it when I woke up though.  It would be nice to have a pause button on life so that I could sleep for as long as I wanted for one day and unpause after only 8 hours of actual sleep.  I'm not looking forward to this next week.  I know what kind of hell we've been through all the other times with Jasmine's shots and I'm sure this one will be no different.  She turns into a total nightmare.  There's no telling when she'll be awake or asleep.  One minute she'll be happy and the next she'll be screaming like a banshee.  What's funny, is even if I was to get a break away from everything, I would miss my daughter so much that I would be more miserable than if I had just taken her with me.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Writing and Shots

I'm thinking about writing again.  I toy with the idea every few years and nothing usually comes from it.  It's probably just from reading a lot of memoirs lately.  I just finished "Please Stop... Laughing at me" By Jodee Blanco.  It's a really good book about bullying and being picked on.  If you're into reading at all, I reccomend this book.  I finished it in less than 24 hours.  I bought "The Glass Castle" By Jeannette Walls today.  I'll read just about anything that is a memoir or a biography.  I can really relate to a lot of different people's lives and point's of view on the world and life in general. 

Jasmine is going to have more shots tomorrow.  (Thursday)  That should be a joy.  The day of the shots isn't usually the worst day.  It's usually about four days afterwards when I start to think she's not going to have a reaction.  Then she gets a high fever and cries on and off for days.  Always a great time for a mom whose already exhausted and stressed out.  Afterwards we're going to my dad's for fireworks.  I tried to gently talk my brother into coming with us but I think he'll stay home or go to his friend's house instead.

Moving

I talked to my mom and Shawn and they tentatively agreed to fix up both houses (my mom's and the one we're moving into) and then sell both.  We will buy a large plot of land and build to houses on the land next door to eachother.  That would be the only way I can see myself being happy living away from my mom.  It's ok, you can say it.  I'm a momma's girl.  Me and my mom have a joke that she keeps cutting the apron strings and I just sew them back on.  She's my best friend.  Who wouldn't want to live next door to their best friend?  I don't ever want anything to change with my relationship with my mom.  That's why I'm so scared of moving.  I worry that things will change.  I'm one of those people who DOESN'T like change.  I like things to stay the same.  I love you momma and I'll never let anything change.

Contracts

We signed the contracts for our home today.  Why am I not happy?  I'm so attached to my mom that I freak of the thought of being 8 miles down the road.  She's doing some freaking out of her own.  We're both thinking the same things.  We won't be able to talk to eachother when ever we feel like it, we won't see eachother everyday, things won't be the same again, we'll start to drift apart.  I can't even list all of the things that have went through my head.  All the things I've bitched about for so long will be some of the things I miss.  I just feel sick.  We're buying my grandma's house.  It's on just over an acre, fenced so the dogs and kids have plenty of room to run.  I want to fix it up as fast as possible and sell it.  And we haven't even moved in yet.  I'm not sure how to paint the kitchen cabinets.  I'm not sure if they're actual wood or more like partical board or what.  And then if they're not wood, can I still paint them?  I don't want to paint them and have them look worse than they already do but I also can't stand them the way they are.  I want to paint, paint, paint shortly after everything is moved in. 

I was going to write about Jasmine's birthday but I don't feel like it today.  On Shawn's way to work, he hit a cat.  It was about a mile from here so I drove down there with a towel and wrapped him up a little and got him out of the road.  I know where he lives and they have a young son.  I don't know if I should go down there later and tell them.  I know I wouldn't want to call for my cat and never find out what happened.  I also don't want to go down there and have someone yell at me, especially when I didn't hit him.  The responsible part of me is telling me to go down there and tell them and if I get yelled at and that's what they need to do, then that's fine.  But I also feel like I'm punishing myself by doing that.  I feel like it should be my husband driving down there.  It's like when a little kid steals something, you make them go apologize to whoever they stole from.  Obviously this is a little more serious but I feel like it should be him telling them what he did.  I don't know.  I just feel awful right now.

Sigh

I hate looking at houses.  It's so stressful for both me and my husband.  I love my husband and daughter so much and I don't want to end up making the wrong decision and getting stuck in a house we hate or more likely, an area we hate.  You can find really GREAT houses with acreage in Benton Harbor but (and sorry for those of you who do live there) I don't want to live in the ghetto.  I don't know that it's all like that up there but I don't want to move there and take a chance that it is.  I think in the end it will probably come down to one of three houses.  One has a good amount of land but is on the highway and the house is a little on the small side (beggers can't be choosers and all), another has a little less land but the house is set up really odd.  I guess it has potential but there's a bathroom IN the master bedroom.  No doors seperating or anything, just bed and toliet.  Very weird.  The last one is more in the city on one acre and is directly across from my grandpa's gravesite.  It just sucks.  I have the vision of what "our" house will look like and that we'll know it when we find it but that's proving just a fairytale.  I just thought we'd walk into a house and we'd feel like we belonged there.  I haven't felt anything close to that yet.  I'm just so worried about making the wrong decision.  It's not like you can take it back in two years and if you decide to sell, well that's a hassle in and of itself.  We would have to find out how much we could get for the house we're living in, decide where we'll live if our house gets sold (because there's no way in hell we could pay two house payments for any amount of time).  Some days, I don't think about it even once and then other days it seems to be on my mind the entire day and night. 

I like my lip piercing.  I really do.  But it's a little annoying at times.  Obviously, it's a little uncomfortable right now.  But trying to sleep with this ring around my lip is driving me nuts.  It keeps hitting my teeth and everytime I try to get comfortable I rip the hole open.  I just wish I could have it sit in water all day and still heal up normally since that's the only time it feels fine.  Jasmine's birthday is next weekend and none of my relatives have seen my latestskin mutilation so I'm sure I'll get to hear all about it.  Oh and Shawn got his lip pierced on both sides (I'm not sure if it's called verticals or snake bits).  His mom is REALLY going to flip out when she sees him.  I don't know if I want to be present for that or not.  When he was like 15/16, she let him get a tattoo rather than letting him get his ear pierced.  That's how anti-piercing she is.  Yeah, I think I'll stay in the car for that one.