Lonesome

I never realized what real loneliness is until recently.  For a long time, almost five years, if I was upset and needed to talk to someone or bitch to someone, I always had Shawn.  I've never felt as alone as I did today.  He was here visiting with my mom and he made a comment about my friends going around talking behind my back.  I know he's telling the truth about at least some of it because there's no way he could know certain things without them telling him.  I didn't need to hear it though.  Sometimes I'd rather just be ignorant to the things going on around me.  Deep down I know who my friends are and aren't.  I've been a little clingy with my friends since me and Shawn split up.  I call them several times a day and I know it's driving them a little insane.  At any rate, I got very upset when I couldn't get a hold of Dina or Danny to ask them about it.  I feel like I'm being avoided like the plague, which is probably true.  I was balling today like crazy and didn't calm down until Dina gave me a valium and then I was pretty good.  It was a bad day for me.  I feel very alone.  I have no one to lean on right now.  I thought I had Micky but I guess I was wrong.  I need a car so that I can just go for a drive once and a while to clear my head.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere right now.  I'm uncomfortable at home because Shawn is here a lot of the time or else I'm worried he's going to show up.  I feel like I'm inconveniencing my friends when they come and pick me up.  I'm just adjusting I guess.