Stressed

My house has been a nightmare since Jake and Minka have been indoors.  I've just been putting off going out to the cat house.  I don't even want to be in there.  Jake is driving the other animals completely insane and hell, the humans as well.  The first night he was indoors, I was in the bathroom, getting ready to step into the bathtub to rinse off my feet (I never wear shoes in the summer and my feet get dirty).  The second I stepped onto the bathmat, which he apparently has dubbed his new girlfriend, he full out attacked my foot and bit through the skin.  Now if you'll recall, this is the same cat that bit me the last time I let him indoors and he caused a pretty nasty infection from that bite.  I don't to be on any unnecessary drugs while I'm pregnant so I washed my foot for what seemed like an hour to make sure I got all the nasty cat saliva out.  If any of the cats dares to move from their hiding spots, he attacks them.  I'm talking fur flying attacks.  Thus, the cats don't leave their spots unless they're really hungry or really thirsty.  Note, I didn't say anything about leaving their spots to potty.  Yeah, I'd say it's time for the outdoor cats to go back outdoors.  The first night, I let my flame point siamese, Isaiah sleep in bed with me.  I normally don't do that because he has asthma and breathes fairly loudly and he can't get out of the bedroom without waking me up.  I can't say I blame him for holding it all night till I got up and put him in the litter box.  One night, Jasmine decided to be a brat and shove little Jakey onto the floor from the arm of the couch.  Jake grabbed onto the only thing available to keep from falling, both sides of Jasmine face.  Minka has left numerous scratches on Jasmine.  (most of which are Jasmine's fault)  The kid looks like she was attacked by a mountain lion.  This little orange cat is turning my house upside down.

Jasmine has been a major brat the last week or so.  Just intentionally doing things she KNOWS she'll get into trouble for.  Pouring her juice onto the table so her toys can play in the puddles has been a big one.  Throwing her toys just to throw them.  Nothing seems to be getting through to her.  I decided today that I'd just work on spending some time doing things with her today, thinking maybe she just wanted the attention.  But here we are and she's still being awful.  It's left me stressed out during the day, which has my husband looking at me like I'm the bitch from hell.  Even after I told him every night this week I went to be wanting to cry.  It makes you feel like a crappy parent when your kid keeps misbehaving and nothing you do seems to make a difference.  So when the dog came in muddy as hell, and I asked him to take her outside (HIS dog), I didn't want a shitty response.  Sometimes, I expect him to do a little more than usual because I know what I'll have to deal with after he goes to bed and would like to relax while I can. 

Last night I went in the kittens room to check on them one last time.  (they haven't been allowed out in the house because Jake would maul one of them)  I noticed a small puddle next to the litter box.  My kittens don't have an enclosed box, just a standard cheapo one.  Someone missed the box and thank god they did.  The urine was full of blood.  I contacted the rescue to get a vet appointment but we still have to find out which kitten is doing it.  Not an easy task if you ask me.  When a cat pees on cat litter, you can't tell what color it is.  I might try getting some litter crystals and using that to find out who is having the problem.  That's what we always used at the vet's office to collect urine samples from cats.  (the crystals don't absorb anything)  Ugh, I'm going to take a hot shower and hope to burn away some of this stress. 

Yeah, that's me

I was that cat at one point and time.  Seriously.  It was my first ever out paitent procedure.  (upper gi tube)  They gave me very happy drugs.  At one point while in recovery, I briefly woke up only to say 'Mommy look at all the pretty colors'  Then fell right back to sleep.  Yeah, I'm on of those.

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Gremlin Pic

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Gremlin

Today was a rather awful day.  Last night when I took the dog out to go potty, one of the outdoor cats was meowing like crazy.  Not unusual, he's always meowing.  I shined my flashlight towards their area and saw Jake and Gremlin outside looking at me.  I took the dog back inside but decided the next day I'd go and check on them.  Today, I took Jasmine out to play and while I was out there, Jake was meowing again, this time more insistently.  I headed out that way and immediately thought it weird that Jake was the only cat I was seeing.  I was within ten feet of the cat yard when I began to smell it.  I turned back towards the house to grab a carrier for Jake so that I could leave the doors open without him running away.  After he was safely crated and Shawn was keeping Jasmine busy, I went back out to find the source of the smell.  I glanced up and saw Gremlin, laying on the table, obviously dead.  I had to take a moment before I could go in.  He was alive last night and yet today... he just looked awful.  I still wasn't sure if Minka was alive or not and assumed she wasn't considering she hadn't come out when I was getting Jake.  I left the doors open and did my best not to look at my cat or breathe a great deal.  I called for her, not really expecting to hear anything, when she meowed.  She was inside a trash can (It's empty aside from a roll of garden hose and a tractor tire).  She wouldn't come out on her own so I had to do battle with the spiders to pull out the tire and then her.  I carried her into the house.  I dug the hole but I just couldn't get him out of there.  The smell was awful and I knew that the underside of him was bound to be worse than what I was seeing.  I eventually asked Shawn to do it for me.  (we used a shovel... I hated doing it but he was covered in bugs)  I just can't get the image of his face out of my head.  They did so much damage in the small amount of time that he was dead.  Both the other cats are indoors for the night.  I want the smell to clear and then I'm going to go clean it out a bit.  Jake obviously wasn't setting foot inside the shed and was very upset.  I wonder if it would've made a difference if I had actually went out there last night.  When I was out there the other day, everyone was fine.  Gremlin seemed a little dehydrated but other than that, he seemed good.  Since we moved into this house, I have lost so many animals.  I know it's not the house but it makes it that much harder to stay here.  There are some days I feel as if I will be stuck in this house for the rest of my life.  I love this house.  Honestly.  But I don't want to live in this area.  I want the kind of privacy that you just can't get when you live this close to the city.  Not to mention that we are drowning in debt from the bills.  I want to start over and do it better and the only way to do that is to sell this house

Creepy Crawlies

Don't worry, I'll get to Batman at the end of this thing.  I took Mia out to go potty (husband's border collie).  Normally I wouldn't go out with her but I wanted to make sure she went and considering there was enough junk food on the ground to feed Ethiopia for a week, I figured I should keep an eye on her.  (old not really fit for human consumption junk food but hey, the dogs liked it)  While I'm out there, I decide to take a look at the pool since it's been at least a week since I've even been in the backyard.  Omigod.  I didn't know that many mosquito larvae could be breed that fast.  I swear the entire pool is full of them.  There were also some other kind of bug larvae swimming in there except they were pretty huge.  (well as far as any larvae I've ever seen)  It really gave me a case of the heebie jeebies.  I shocked the hell out of the water, although I don't really know if that kills the bugs or not.  We haven't put any chemicals in the water recently due to the fact that the pump broke.  I wasn't sure if it would be a great idea just to toss chemicals in the water and not have them circulate but after seeing that, I said to hell with it.  (oh and of course I can't find the pump for this pool ANYWHERE to replace the old one) 

The Dark Night was really good but I don't think anyone really expected to hear anything different.  I had a hard time not tearing up through the movie knowing that this was Heath Ledger's last film and that it put such a strain on him emotionally.  He played the part of joker extremely well.  I know many will be sad that he will not be able to be the joker in the next Batman movie.  Christian Bale did such a wonderful job with the role of Batman that I can't imagine that they would cast anyone else in his place.  I know Heath got a lot of credit for his role but I think Christian Bale deserves just as much bravo for his character.  He was phenomenal.  Jasmine did extremely well throughout the movie.  There's been a lot of talk about how it should've been an R-rated movie due to the graphic nature of the movie.  Honestly, I didn't think it was that bad.  There's some special effects at the end that is... disturbing but the rest of the movie was what you'd expect from a superhero movie.  Nothing too terribly gory.  She fell asleep during the last half hour or so.  She had her hands over her eyes so much during that time that I think she just passed out.  (she didn't much care for the graphic part that I'm talking about and I didn't want her seeing it, although I don't think she really understood what she was seeing)  I thought it was worth the money spent.  Although, unlike many who have seen the movie, there was occasional talking in the theatre, along with one cell phone going off (C'mon here people, the usher even comes in front of the theatre before the movie starts and says to turn off your damned cells) and several people thought it was ok to text.  Even with the few inconsiderate movie goers, it was still worth it. 

Dark juice

We're getting ready to go see the Batman movie that everyone won't shut up about.  I wasn't going to go see it but my husband wanted to so here we are.  I just like to go for the food.  ;) 

On another quick note.  Why has no one ever introduced me to pomegranate juice?  I bought a berry pomegranate juice thing last night and I'm in love with the stuff. 

Mindless chit chat

This has been the first week in three weeks that I haven't had someone to hang out with morning, noon and night.  I miss it the most at night, when most everyone else is sleeping.  Although, I do have more time to get things done around the house.  Whereas when my husband was home, I felt like I needed to spend time with him.  Plus, it's hard to get motivated to clean when your significant other gets to watch tv.  I'm shocked I didn't put on a ton of weight with all the food we've been eating.  Late night snacks are always out around here when he's on vacation. 

We've been having internet problems for about a week now so I think it's time to call ATT out here already.  One day, we had no home phone because they were putting in high speed internet at the neighbors house.  The next day, we had frequent internet outings.  One minute you could get online and the next, the router was in the red.  I'm not usually allowed to make the phone calls to the companies that service us.  My husband, more times than not, is able to be calm and understanding.  I, on the other hand, feel like if I'm paying for a service to work everyday, then it should work and when there's a problem, someone better get to fixing it asap, not when a technician is available.  I try to be nice to the person on the end of the phone, as it's not their fault, it's just their job to answer the phones and deal with people like me.  However, if they are unfriendly or I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I ask for a manager and then I become a little more snippy.  We figured the problem would be taken care of by now as the ATT guys had been out here quite a few times in the last two weeks.  No such luck.  My husband is going to have his chance to talk to them and if nothing changes, I'll be calling.

I guess I don't have really too much interesting to write about on here right now.  My brain is stuck on the bills that have to go out this weekend and how much will be left over after everything is paid.  I guess I'll go figure that out and maybe have more to say later.

Another weekend gone by

Saturday, I got up early to take Doodle to an adoption event.  I originally wasn't planning on going to this one since this is the last weekend of my husband's vacation but I felt a little forced but not really a big deal.  I get to the event, fully planning on staying till it's over.  (I got there about two hours after it started and would've been there a minimum of two hours, probably closer to three)  I went to set my purse down and was told by the director to put Doodle in a cage that had just opened up due to an adoption.  As I was putting her in the cage she told me that she'd be taking Doodle and I could leave now.  It was said with some bit of contempt.  I was so shocked that I stayed for a few minutes, not really sure what to do.  After looking for Doodle's crate tag, and not finding it, I grabbed my purse without a word to anyone and left.  Right now I feel as if my time with this rescue is limited.  I've been feeling very ostracized for some time now and never really felt like I fit in.  That being said, I had made a decision to stick it out no matter what.  I still stick by that decision.  I think after my kittens are gone, they are going to tell me where to go however.  I have also made a decision over the last month to keep any personal issues, my own and not tell anyone at the rescue that we thought there was problems with the baby or anything else.  I just felt like it was none of their business.  However, it had caused me to miss quite a few events.  The most they know is that I'm pregnant and I had some morning sickness.  (I didn't even want to tell them I was pregnant yet, it was something I didn't tell a lot of people but felt I had to with them due the morning sickness)  I feel like because I have omitted those things, they think I am just lazy and not devoted to the organization the way the would like me to be.  Most of these people live for the rescue.  They seem to sit around, waiting for the phone to ring so they can run off and do some other rescue business.  I feel like my first priority is to my family and my daughter.  I also think they would like me to feel differently.  These are all people with no children, grown kids or almost grown.  I am the only one with small children that also does fostering.  I only know of one other that has young kids and I have never met her in the seven, almost eight months that I have been with this rescue.  I feel as if I am looked down upon by some of the elder members for my lack of devotion and it makes me uncomfortable to be around them.  I don't think I should have to justify every single thing I do or don't do. 

After that fiasco, we went to the Venetian Festival in St. Joseph, Michigan to watch the fireworks they have every year.  We sat in the cold mist and waited for the show to begin.  They have a boat parade before the fireworks but the mist was so thick, you could barely see the lights from the boats even though they were so close to shore that you could swim out and touch them.  Suddenly you heard the first whoosh of a firework, you heard the firework go off.... but you never saw a thing.  The mist was so thick that even the brightest of them only appeared to be colored lightning through the clouds.  They stopped after about a minute or so.  I felt badly for all the kids who wanted to see fireworks and didn't get to, my own included.  It's hard to explain to a three year old that the fog and mist were just too thick for the lights to be seen. 

And now we're to today.  *sigh*  I had been up for a while when I went into my husband's computer room to check on the rat and ferrets.  I noticed the rat was low on water and went to go pull it out of the cage.  I had just said jokingly, 'now don't bite me' and then of course, he bit me.  He let go when he realized it wasn't food he was biting but he had bitten so hard that it went well through my skin.  His teeth never touched but they came close.  My husband, as usual, was mad at the animal that did the biting.  I told him it was my fault.  Since the last bite, I have avoided interacting with this rat, aside from throwing the food in the cage and changing his water.  The rat that bit me the first time, has since died.  I still have lingering nerve damage from it.  My doctor said it could take a while to fully heal but at this point, I'm thinking there may be long term nerve damage.  It's nothing that limits range of motion or anything.  If I touch the bite, I get that just hit my funny bone feeling but in my finger.  And there seems to be a small, very small loss of sensation.  At any rate, I think it's understandable that I am a little nervous of getting bit like that again.  Although I believe it to be highly unlikely to ever happen again.  Today, I could tell immediately that the bite I received from Toby, was not a vicious one but he thought it was food.  If it had been vicious, he would've held on for dear life and separated the top two teeth in order to obtain a more painful, deeper bite.  He did neither.  Once I stopped bleeding, I went back, gave him his water and food.  He took his food very gently.  He didn't want to bite the wrong thing again.  And that's the end of my weekend.  ;)

Neighbors

We came home tonight from having dinner at my mom's house and both my husband and I noticed that things seemed amiss at our elderly neighbors house.  They are near their 90's and their adult daughter lives with them.  (I assume to keep them from a nursing home and make sure they're taken care of)  Some of you may remember I spent a few hours with the wife, Joan early in the spring, working on her yard.  They never leave their garage door open at night, or the garage light on and both were.  It was strange enough that even my husband noticed.  At the time I thought maybe I should walk over and check on them but it was midnight by that time.  What if it was just something that went forgotten and some strange girl knocks on their door in the middle of the night?  I decided to leave it be but keep an eye on the house overnight.  At about 2am, I got up to get some water and noticed strange lights in the window.  There was an ambulance in front of their house and one backing into the driveway.  I stood and watched them bring out a stretcher.  I'm not sure how it works when you pick someone up but I don't think they cover you with a sheet unless you ask for one, or it's cold.  The person they brought out was at least partially covered.  (I could only see the legs)  I went to tell my husband and while he was watching out the window, they brought out a second stretcher.  We know the daughter is ok as she was outside with one of the EMT's but didn't appear to be distraught.  I just hope it was something minor and not the mostly likely reason for the ambulances to be out there.  They also didn't seem to be in a hurry, even after both stretchers were loaded.  I wish there was something I could do.  A part of me hopes that if tonight was their night, that they indeed went together.  They lost a son to a car accident when he was in his teens, I hate to think that either one of them would have to suffer in that way again.  I told my husband, you know they were nice people when their nephew flew in from New York to replace a light bulb in the backyard.  (He was coming to visit but the reason he made the trip was for that light)  I hope whatever may have happened that they are together and not in any pain.

Quicky

Just to let everyone know, had my doctor's appointment today.  Heard the heartbeat at 142 beats.  Doc says everything appears normal and to be progressing well. 

The this and the That of it

I have a little of this and a little of that for this entry.  We'll start with more pleasant things and move on.  On Monday, we headed to Indy to the zoo down there.  It was hot.  Pregnant and hot, don't really mix too well.  I had to sit down frequently.  I had remembered the zoo to be huge so we got there hours early.  It's not huge.  We were scheduled to see the dolphin show at 4:30... we were pretty much done seeing the entire zoo by 2.  We took the train a second time, sat in the dolphin dome for a while, walked aimlessly, ate ice cream and then got to the dolphin show an hour early, hoping they'd open the doors.  We sat inside waiting for it to start for over a half hour.  In that time, Jasmine fell asleep.  I really didn't think she'd wake back up for the show but she did, and promptly fell back to sleep in the car.  We touched sharks, Jas really enjoyed that and didn't want to leave them.  We had an invite to my aunt and uncle's at their house a few miles out of Indy so we headed there after the zoo.  Honestly, I enjoyed the few hours we were at their house, way more than the entire zoo trip.  I think Jasmine may have as well.  My cousin took her on the trampoline and watched a movie with her, which was a big hit.  My husband and I got to spend time just talking with my aunt and uncle.  Conversation with them always flows easily, no matter how long it's been since the last time we've seen them. 

Onto things that currently annoy me.  I'm really getting fed up with a friend of my husband's.  This couple, particularly the wife, complain about being broke constantly.  If they were really broke, I would understand, being broke sucks and misery loves company.  However, they are far from it.  When you have over ten grand just sitting in your savings, you are not broke.  The funny thing is, the wife has no idea that we know the amount of money in their accounts, the amount of all their bills, etc.  The husband tells my husband every single detail of their lives, therefore, we know they're not broke.  It's just really aggravating, knowing we are struggling and then hearing someone else complain about money.  It's even more aggravating when my husband is doing them a favor and we use most of our gas driving around doing this favor.  I'm not as nice as my husband.  He gets used a bit because he wants to do nice things for his friends and help them out.  Whereas I'm the one saying why are we breaking our backs for someone who wouldn't do the same for us?  I have no problem helping out a friend but I want to help the people that I know would do the same for me if the situation was reversed.  That doesn't mean I expect something from them if we help them but it's nice to know that if I needed it, I wouldn't really even have to ask, they'd be there.  I think as I get older, I'm getting harder to please.  I expect people to be... better than they turn out to be sometimes.  I guess I expect their morals and values to be a little higher than they are.  Most of the time, they'd rather get something for nothing and then complain when something is expected of them, even if it's a meaningful thank you.  And I'm speaking of the human race in general here, not one individual.  The only people I count on, are myself and family.  Anyone else, I have a jaded opinion of before they even earn it.  I have really only one set of friends that I know I can count on if I needed them and they're more my mom's friends than mine.  But at least I know they are other people out there that feel my same right and wrong.  Like I said, I think I'm becoming a hard person to deal with the older I get.  By the time I turn 60, you will all have to be saints in order to have my approval for friendship.  ;)~

And now, it's thundering

I'm actually going to an adoption event tomorrow for the first time in weeks.  I don't wanna.  ;)  I'm not a fan of being forced to be anywhere at any particular time.  It's a big reason why working has never, well, worked for me.  It doesn't help that I hate taking Doodle anywhere at all.  She's absolutely awful on a leash.  I really hope someone takes her on a home visit tomorrow.  She's becoming a major pain in my ass.  She and my doberman, Cash have started to hate each other.  I already have the problem with the pit bull, Rocky.  I have to let him out separately from everyone else.  Everything that happens with him is when everyone else is isolated to prevent a problem.  I just don't have the energy to do that with two dogs, particularly when one isn't mine.  Cash has been starting the fights but Doodle is definitely finishing them.  I'm concerned that if it continues, I will have a vet bill on my hands for stitches to my dumb doberman.  The first time I had Doodle, they got along so well that Cash was depressed the first few days she was gone.  I guess something changed in the time she was away.  In general, I'm just burnt out on the animals.  There have been plenty of times that I've wished I didn't have to deal with someone or another one a particular night but right now, I don't want to deal with any of them, at all.  I hope I get over it soon. 

After I get home, we're heading to one of my favorite local restaurants, Rocco's.  They are closing for three weeks for a family vacation and it's their last night open.  It's going to be a long three weeks without their spaghetti and pizza!  Husband may or may not be going fishing tomorrow night.  It's the only night of his vacation that I said he could go at night.  In the morning is one thing but at night, I get frustrated because I want help and he's out playing in the water.  He may not be able to go however if it rains as they are predicting.  We'll see what happens.  Sunday, he is participating in a charity go-cart race with my brother and dad.  The go-carts go a ridiculous 80mph.  I may stop up and say hi for a few minutes but I don't think I can handle watching that.  My dad used to race cars (and sometimes still does) and it would just make me sick to watch.  You just sit there and wait for "the" wreck.  I never wanted him to be winning because, usually the guys in front are aggressive and bump.  Whereas, no one gives a crap about you if you're at the tail end of everyone.  I told my husband I'll probably bring him something to drink and then leave.  Hmmm, I wonder what they'll do if it decides to rain Sunday?  Monday, we'll probably be heading for Indianapolis to go to the zoo down there.  It looks to be the coolest day for the week, even though 82 isn't really what I consider cool.  Wednesday, I have my doctor's appointment to try and hear the baby's heartbeat again.  I'm assuming if that doesn't go as planned, I'll be scheduled for another ultrasound.  The doctor I'm seeing tends to like to play everything on the safe side so I'm sure that's the route he'll go if that's the case.  For now, I'm trying not to think about it and just enjoy everyone being on vacation.

Long weekend

It's been a long weekend.  I think all the stress from the week before had me kind of blogged out.  Every night I would tell myself I would get something out there and every night I put it off and went to bed.  Friday was one of the best days I've had in a really, really long time.  I woke up and was ready to leave within a half hour.  I went up to Old Navy (by myself!!!  Shawn watched Jasmine... Oh heaven...) and picked out two maternity tee's and a shirt for Jasmine since they were 75% off.  I'm just not comfortable wearing anything tight fitting right now as I still feel like I just look like I put on fat weight and not pregnant weight.  On the way home, I had the radio up, and the windows down.  I was thinking I'm in a such a good mood that I just KNOW something is going to ruin it.  It happens every single time I'm having a good day, but not that day.  I whipped up some brownies to make at my mom's and headed in that direction.  (the brownies left something to be desired... more chocolate I think)  We cooked out on the grill and my uncle was there when I got there.  Everyone pitched in at least $25 for fireworks the week before.  Eventually my cousin and his girlfriend showed up.  She's nice but a little on the... let's call it blonde side.  Normally, I get uptight when the boys take control of things.  Especially when those things cost me a great deal more money than it did them.  I was fine though.  They lit everything off and I could've cared less in the order in which they were doing it.  I'm a control freak and want things to be done my way.  It was just a really good, relaxing day.  I wish every day was like that or even close.

Saturday we didn't do much.  Shawn had his co-workers little boat so we took that out on one of the lakes.  I've actually never been on a boat and I get pretty seasick in the ocean (not for hours AFTER I've gotten out of the water though) and was worried that I wouldn't make it far into the water before we had to go back.  The lake we were on, you couldn't use a motor unless it was battery operated so it was slow going.  I had my feet in the water almost the entire time.  The fish were jumping pretty close to the boat and I was getting concerned that they would mistake me for bait.  I'm sure it would've given me a jolt.  We just putted around the lake for a while and looked at the geese.  Once we got back to shore, I noticed the goose that was there when we went out, was still there and he was still panting heavily.  I don't like geese.  I'm actually pretty scared of them.  You wouldn't think they would really be able to injure you since they have no teeth but their wings really hurt and I've had them come after me on more than one occasion.  I eventually emptied out my drink, filled it with water and slowly made my way over to Mr. Goose.  He got up and walked away and that's when I realized he probably had a broken leg.  Poor thing.  There wasn't much I could do about it though.  We ended the night by watching a movie.  Another fairly relaxing day.

Sunday, I got very little sleep.  It never goes well for everyone around me when I am sleep deprived.  We had to be at my dad's to do Jasmine's birthday stuff and eat.  I cut it pretty short.  I was just too tired to sit around make idle chit-chat.  We went home and tried to get the pool set up that we borrowed from my mom.  Once we got the water going, we went out for some dinner.  When we got back, I decided that there was no way the pool would stay standing where it was.  The ground was just too slanted in that area and it would've spilled over.  We moved it after draining 3 hours worth of water out of it.  We had to get up at 6am the next morning and since it was already getting late, we decided just to let the hose go the night and we'd turn it off in the morning.  I had major issues getting Jasmine to stay asleep due to a thunderstorm so around 2am, I got up to check the water level.  Good thing I did too as it was very full.  Jasmine didn't fall asleep till around 3:30am.  We were going with my mom, brother and his girlfriend hiking down in central Indiana for the day.  Of course, Jasmine didn't sleep the entire way there, meaning I didn't either.  I was going on about six hours sleep for two days.  We stopped for lunch when we were about ten minutes away from the park and that's when she decided to pass out.  *sigh* We walked one trail and then came home.  My brother's girlfriend fell on the stairs and busted her leg up and I don't think anyone was up for another trail.  (they take a few hours each to complete and are pretty rugged, particularly with the amount of rain we've had in recent months)  Now we're up to date on everything.  ;)

It continues

Well, husband failed his test.  What I had done last night was go looking for his stash.  I found two closed packs, one open.  I took one of the closed packs and hid it where he would absolutely never find it.  This way I would know without a doubt whether or not he bought any more packs.  This evening, after he went to sleep, I went out to see what had happened.  He had smoked the entire two remaining packs and bought two more.  It's like being stabbed in the chest all over again.  I had to ask him when he was planning on getting the script filled in order for him to actually go and do it.  I'm on speaking terms with him, although I doubt I would've bothered if I didn't have family shit going on this weekend where I had to play nice.  Plus, with the other stuff going on, I really need my husband to actually be there for me.  I'm just very torn at the moment.  I can't stand to be in the same room with him and act normal but at the same time, I need him.  But I can't trust him.  He says he's going to finish the last of what he has while he's taking the Chantix.  It makes it difficult to believe when he's bought two more packs in the last 24 hours.  Anything he says is difficult to believe.  I'm having a hard time dealing with it all.  He's going to be warned when he gets up that if he buys anymore and I find them, they're gone.  At the same time, if I tell him that, it just shows that I'm onto him and he'll try to hide it better.  I just don't know what to do.  He claims to have been feeling guilty the entire time but he made the decision, I'm not going to feel badly for him and his guilt.  The only nice thing to come out of this, is that he is pretty much forced to do whatever I want in order to keep the peace.  He was planning on going fishing on Saturday.  I had come into the bedroom and asked him not to make plans for Saturday as far as fishing went so that I didn't have to listen to him on the 4th about how early he has to get up.  All it took was a second of me starting to get pissed and he said he wouldn't go.  And I'm so over his fishing.  He's always going and I always get to listen to the fact that he has to go to bed early to get up at the crack of dawn to try and catch things that he has no plans on eating.  I'm sick of a lot of things.

When will it be enough

I can't sleep.  I had a hard time last night too but that was more because I couldn't stop crying.  There are all these questions swirling through my head that I know I'll never receive a direct answer to, nor do I feel like asking the questions right now.  My brain is just on overload right now, after all it's been an extremely stressing two days.  One second I'll be wondering if I just felt movement from the baby or if it was my imagination.  The next, I'm wondering how long my husband has been lying to me and to what extent.  I'm wondering if I'll ever even want to be around those people that called themselves my friend.  I know one of the guys my husband is friend's with, I want nothing to do with anymore and just a few days ago I thought he was a really nice guy.  I don't think I ever really got the saying ignorance is bliss till yesterday.  It would've been nice to have never known but at the same time, I think I would've wondered about all these inconsistency's that have been showing up here and there.  And the more I think about it, one of the more upsetting things is when I felt like my husband didn't want to be around me or Jasmine anymore and would rather being doing something else because he seemed so preoccupied whenever we did do anything.  Now I'm realizing he probably wanted to smoke the entire time and couldn't while he was with us.  I was really upset about the whole thing at the time.  It hurts to feel like you're just plain not wanted around by your husband.  And then to think it could've been avoided if he hadn't been an idiot.  I wonder when did just smoking while drinking at the bar, turned into buying his own packs and smoking all the time.  When did he make that decision?  Did he even think about how it would effect us when he did it?  And it doesn't seem like he even cares about anything, as long as I get over it quickly.  All the nights that I cried for hours after Jasmine went to sleep, they don't matter because it's in the past.  It only matters when it directly effects him.  I've been vague on purpose about anything surrounding what's happening with my pregnancy the last 24 hours.  For one, I just didn't feel like talking to him.  I wanted to yell at him.  Hit him.  The last thing I wanted to do was talk.  I still don't want to talk to him.  I don't want to be around him.  And I don't think there's much he can do right now to change that.  It would've helped his case immensely if he had stopped smoking immediately.  Buying another pack today was not his best move and just further caused me to be angry.  I don't even know what I'm feeling.  It might be easier if I didn't have the pregnancy to worry about as well but when you mix it all together, the emotions don't make much sense anymore.  I wonder how many nights I'm going to sit here crying.  How many nights I'm going to want to stay at my mom's rather than sleep in the same room with him.  Right now, being able to sleep would be enough.

At least my life sucks consistently

First of all, yesterday before the shit hit the fan, we had been at the beach for several hours.  (we being me, my mom and Jasmine)  It was Jasmine's first time to the beach to actually swim.  The other times we've been, it's been cold out and it was for the dogs to play.  She was a little scared of the waves at first (we were on lake Michigan) but warmed up quickly and never wanted to get out.  (which by the way, the water was ice frickin cold... do kids just not feel that??)  I put sunscreen on myself and then on Jasmine.  I apparently couldn't reach a very large area on my back.  Made more apparent by the end of the night when I had the worst sunburn I've ever had.  It hurts like a bitch.  On the bright side, I didn't miss a single spot on Jasmine, although being that she is 25% latina, she probably wouldn't have burned anyways.  My back hurts pretty constant, even if it's not touching something. 

Now onto the even shittier part of my day.  I had an OB appointment today.  One of the first things he did was the doppler to listen to the heartbeat.  He couldn't find it.  Now I have another appointment in two weeks in which time I have to sit and wonder if my baby is even still alive.  A part of me thinks I just felt him this morning but the other part of me is questioning if I really felt anything or if it was all in my head.  And then I'm wondering if that's the reason I suddenly had no morning sickness and could eat whatever I wanted, without feeling sick.  He didn't seem concerned, I don't think.  I don't know.  He originally ordered an ultrasound until I mentioned that I'd just had one on this month due to pain I was experiencing so he decided that we'd just wait and see.  Easy for him.  I think he was going to have me come back in four weeks and then changed his mind.  (probably due to the look on my face)  I told my husband via text message as I still have no want to speak with him much.  He thought that meant that I needed him to come home and I told him not to bother.  Then of course, later in the evening he decided he wanted to talk to me (while he was at his friends house no less so everyone could hear exactly what was being said) and called my phone.  That ended with me hanging up on him and launching my cell phone across my mom's front yard.  (give me credit, I wanted to throw it on the cement and smash it into little pieces but I knew I'd regret it within a few hours)  On top of that, I found that he has three packs of cigarettes (two brand new) when he's supposedly quitting tomorrow.  So I'm conducting a little experiment.  I'll let you know how that goes but can't say what it is at the moment in case he some how still has the link to my journal.  Since all this happened I've been going through his crap like a drug dog.  I found half smoked cigarettes in the garage, leaving me to believe that he was smoking when I suddenly interrupted him.  (he would never leave one unsmoked, just not like him)  I get to hear about how guilty he felt and that's part of the reason he was quitting but in the same breath that he was never planning on telling me, ever.  And if he had just told me from the beginning, I would've been pissed but I wouldn't have lost trust and respect in him.  It would be ridiculous hard for me to hide something from him for any amount of time so for him to do it so easily for months is just unacceptable to me at this point and time.  It's not an easy thing to gain my trust completely.  I've been screwed over and hurt by too many people in the past so you never want to lose some of that trust because it's even hard to gain it back than it was the first time around.  He doesn't seem to understand that.  In his opinion, he didn't cheat on me so I shouldn't lose any trust in him.  He's not getting it.  You lie to someone for all that time, it's going to be hard to trust them again.  Especially when the only reason you found out about the lie was by accident.  This weekend shall be interesting.  I have the 4th with my mom, uncle, brother, his girlfriend and my grandmother.  I have to act "normal" for at least that night.  Then on Sunday I may have a thing with my dad.  Another day to act the part.  And by the way, the only reason I didn't smash all his cigarettes to little bits was because I knew he'd only go out and buy more, costing us more money.  However, if he continues to smoke and doesn't quit as he said he would, I will start smashing them, pack by pack, to hell with the money, until he realizes he either quits, goes bankrupt, or loses his marriage.  I just don't get how he doesn't see this as a big deal.  I've been told I'm overreacting, even though I've stated several times that the HUGE elephant of an issue is the LYING.  I just don't understand how you can lie like that for all that time to the person that you're supposed to be closest with.  Let me tell you, my house is a fun place to be right now, which is why I spent the day at my mom's.

Living with the Liar

When your friends omit something from you on a daily basis, doesn't that make it lie?  Particularly when it's something important that has to do with your husband?  Tonight, while I was waiting for aol to connect to the broadband, I was flipping around Shawn's wallet and just being bored.  For once, I wasn't snooping.  I noticed two prescriptions and looked at them.  One was for a drug called Chantix.  This drug is used in quitting smoking.  My husband quit smoking a year or two ago.  I decided not to immediately go and confront him, thinking maybe the script was for a friend, it wouldn't be the first time he did that, trying to help a friend quit smoking.  I needed something else in order to feel confident saying anything to him.  I was going out to the truck but decided to check his lunchbox first.  There were two packs of cigarettes, one of which was open.  These were in my house, where my daughter could've easily found them.  Everyone around me knew about this for months.  They knew and they said nothing.  They allowed me to look like a fool, the only one who didn't know.  All this time, I have been saving money, hoping to have a little something when his vacation comes up in two days so that we could do something as a family.  All this time, I've been going without things to save money.  And all this time, he's been smoking our money away.  What a fool I am.  This was the first time in 9 years that I have fully trusted him.  The first time I didn't question where he was going, who he was going with, when he would be home.  It takes a lot for me to relinquish that kind of control, that insecurity.  Now I am a fool for that trust.  It started when he would go out drinking after work on Friday's, he would smoke.  All these signs have been there and I've ignored them, BECAUSE I trusted him.  The coughing all night long, the CONSTANT gum chewing (even when he's asleep), money being withdrawn from the bank, calling when I'm out to see if I was coming home soon or not, as if concerned.  I was even worried about him.  Why would he be coughing all night with no reason?  Oh, what a fool I've been.  When ever he's out with me and Jasmine, he seems annoyed, as if he doesn't want to be with us.  Now I know why.  He couldn't smoke.  And fyi, just so it doesn't seem like I'm someone who doesn't "get it."  I smoked for over seven years and quit on my own when I became pregnant with Jasmine and haven't smoked since then.  I KNOW what it takes to quit and I just don't understand why anyone would start back up after knowing how hard it was, particularly when you have a small child looking up to you.  How dare he?  So if you're one of those "friends" who received an email from me tonight, now you know why.  In my opinion you hold some of this betrayal.  You were supposed to be my friend.  If it was your husband, you would want to know and I, for one, would've told you.  I'm supposed to deal with the answer that he f-ked up and can admit it.  This is a big deal to me.  When the mortgage company, electric company, gas company, insurance company, is calling looking for their money, I know where to tell them it went.  When my daughter asks why she can't have something, I know where it went.  You lied so casually and I let you, I trusted you.  It won't happen again.  This is the last time I play the fool for you.