No sleep

I can't sleep tonight.  I just start to think and then I start to cry so what's the point.  I keep writing poem after poem, hoping that some how it'll help but so far all it's done is make me more upset.  I've got plenty of paxil to last me till my first paycheck and yet it doesn't seem to be helping at all.  I think I like the regular paxil better than the paxilCR.  But probably for the wrong reasons.  It seems to make me feel happy even if I'm not, whereas the regular paxil makes me a "normal" person.  I'm worried I'm going to start work and just break down crying.  Lucky for me, the first few hours a day, no one else will be there.  Or maybe it'd be better if someone else was there.  Keep my mind off things better.  I don't even know anymore.  I feel like the most confused person in the world.  Something happened to my brain and I just stopped knowing what I wanted or why I want it.  I'm afraid to make any decisions at all because I don't know if they're the right ones anymore.  I can't wait till I have some money.  I'm definitely going out to the bar.  And I'm definitely getting trashed so someone else better be driving... hint hint Jenn and Nancy.  ;) See this is why I put off going to bed till I can't put it off any longer.  When I go to go to sleep all I can do is think.  I take sleeping pills and believe it or not, they actually make it harder for me to fall asleep.  I get to the sleeping part but then immediately wake up again, only to spend another half hour falling asleep and repeat the process.  I wish it was still dark out right now, I'd go for a walk with the dogs.  I'm sitting here thinking, if I could do anything, be anywhere, with anyone, what would I do and I have no idea.  I can't even think of anything that sounds right anymore.  See this is one of those journal entries you keep private but I don't have a regular journal thing at home and it wouldn't matter if I did, I prefer to type.  I thought once things got better, I got my license, a job and whatnot, that I'd start to feel a little better, emotionally but so far that hasn't happened.  I still feel like I'm going out of my mind, if that makes any sense at all.  I try and think there's a reason for everything but it's hard to believe in that sometimes.   And harder still to understand what those reasons are.  Well, I'm going to try sleeping again.  The more I write the more upset I get.  I thought writing stuff down might help but I guess not.  Hope everyone else has a good Saturday and for most of us, we have some pretty nice damn weather too so I suppose go out and enjoy it before it gets humid as hell out again.