Everything I do, I do it for you

My cousin's wedding was today.  Best wedding I've ever been to and I was so happy for her that it all went off without so much as a snag.  But before we go any further about that, something else happened I think really special in the middle of all that chaos.  I think a crack was made in my uncle's usually high emotional walls.  And I'm going to search hell and and high water till I find this cd for him.  Going back.  When my mom, her brothers and sister were kids, my grandpa bought this jukebox.  The OLD kind that most of us will never be lucky enough to see let alone hear.  I know there were only so many songs on that old jukebox so I'm pretty sure they heard quite a few of them repeatedly.  As kids they were probably wishing dad would turn on anything but "that" song again.  Who knows which one it was for each kid but I know one of them was stuck in my uncle's head all these years.  He had a few drinks in him when I was called over to him.  He wanted me to go up to the dj and ask to request a song.  Now, it's hard as hell to hear someone when there is music, and people all around but to try and understand a slightly drunk man, among all these other noise distractions... well my translation was... awful.  I don't know for sure what I wrote down for the dj but he hadn't a clue what the hell I was talking about.  (I think I wrote something like poke sally something) I got online and started doing some digging after I got home tonight and found Poke Salad Annie.  I KNOW this is the song as my uncle actually said a few lyrics.  I can't wait to show up on his door with that cd in hand.  I love my uncle dearly as I always have.  (as a small child I would get jealous of his wife and  I would say I'm going to marry uncle Jeff) When my dad wasn't the best father figure in my life, I've looked to my uncle.  He's a damn good man and a good father.  He walked Sabrina down the isle today, as her biological father looked on from the crowd.  I know the one thing that Sabrina wanted the most was for her dad to walk her down that isle.  He may not have watched her be born or even seen her first steps but he is her dad.  He was also the one that danced with her in the father/daughter dance.  I was so proud of both of them today.  I had no idea that I would feel so many emotions today.  I hugged Sabrina at least ten times.  I danced with the groom for a dollar.  ; ) I had tears in my eyes as they said their final I do's.  There was just so much.  I pretty much hugged everyone that I knew, and at times, even if I didn't like them under normal circumstances.  I can't wait to get the cd of the pictures back. (my uncle was the photographer, it's what he does)  I want to look back on all of that again and be able to physically see it.  Sabrina looked gorgeous in her dress and Adam was handsome in what I came to find was a very complicated tux.  (not firsthand! My uncle was telling us all the bells and whistles those things had) When that much of my family is together at one time I get... I don't even know what the emotion is to describe it.  It's a warm feeling of wholeness.  I love the noise of Jeff and Perry being well... themselves.  And my aunt Jerri in the background telling some crazy story or another that she encountered while working on an article. (she works for the Indy Star) It's fun to see how they all act around each other.  Like if I squint, I can see what they were all like before I was born.  We were missing one of the four this evening though as my aunt Penny was unable to make it up here.  There were some sad moments for me as well during everything.  I had a drink (it doesn't take anymore than that to make me... emotional... the emotions can be happy sad anything but emotions are gonna come flying) My husband made a comment that sent me to the bathroom balling.  We were talking about how when Mrs. Sabrina and Mr. Adam (won't use the last name but I'm trying to pay tribute to the fact that they are married) get back from their honeymoon that we are all going to get together and do something.  Afterwards, he said this family is kind of falling apart so we have to do something to try and bring it back together.  I think it upset me so much because I feel the same way.  I feel like I'm losing my close bonds with all these people and there's only a single piece of tape holding it together.  My grandma is that tape.  There were two pieces of that tape.  I miss the second piece more than words.  Even now I'm crying and I'm definitely sober. I just don't want to completely lose what we used to have.  The holidays where everyone would be home and by the end of the night we'd all be playing cards.  I used to love watching my grandpa cheat.  He would renig so many times a game and no one ever caught on.  Who's going to suspect the ole man he once told me.  Cheatin's winnin' till ya git caught then it's losin'.  I loved those nights.  Even when I started to play a few years ago.  I will never be Jerri's partner again but I had fun none the less.  (SoRe loSeR!!!! ;)  These are the memories I cherish and keep close in my brain, never allowing them to fade.  I'm sure plenty of people have their own memorizes that they keep close to them.  Most of mine are happy but now they're bittersweet because a great deal of mine have my grandfather as the main character.  I idolized him from the time I was a small child.  I would sit and watch him for hours.  He wasn't doing anything interesting to a child but I just wanted to be near him.  He would be watching tv and I'd watch the smoke tendrils curl towards the ceiling from his cigarette.  He'd be in the basement working on something and I'd be down there in the next room listening to him sing Johnny Cash and a few others that I don't recall offhand.  If he went outside, I'd eventually follow.  I played around the yard but I was always close enough to hear that old radio playing from the garage window, while my grandpa sat and watched the world.  (it's nice you should try it some time.. I finally get why old people do that... just sit and watch the world go by) And when my daughter was born, I saw that sparkle in her eyes, the same I had when I was a young child, whenever he would enter the room.  Her eyes would be glued to him.  They had a very special bond that I wish they could've had a little longer.  He would've loved her even more now.  She reminds me of him a lot with some of the things she says.  Oh, crying cannot be doing my sinuses any favors right now.  But even though he's gone, I feel him so strongly in everything we do.  When my grandma broke her arm I said that he was there saying how strong them Kentucky women are.  And then I could hear him telling whoever he's with about her falling and he's laughing about it. (after he knew she was ok of course) I can see it like he's right next to me doing it now.  He and Jasmine are kindred souls and I feel like he'll always be near.  All these things are the reason I want to get my uncle this song.  It brings you closer to those memories that really mean something to you.  I just know there is a major significance for him and that song.  I don't have to know what it is, I just know it matters to him and to finally have a peak as to what it's like behind that wall of his was really great.  I have a great family.  They're all wonderful in their own unique ways, all bonded by a single strand of dna.  I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything, ever.  You know how at the holidays most families bicker and fight?  Not ours, ever.  We're just so glad to be in the same room together that none of that old stuff matters anymore.  And now I'm starting to see that me and Sabrina need to work on our bond as well.  We've.... drifted from eachother over the years and after seeing her today and feeling all the emotions I felt for her and Adam, I know I have to keep them all close to me.  I want Jasmine to have some of the experiences that I had as a child.  And the only way to do that is to get some super glue and take this family back together, piece by piece.