Better with Time

Much less homicidal now.  Nothing in particular caused the change.  I just slowly felt less tense.  I hate feeling like that.  When I'm off my paxil, I feel like that all the time.  Just like I want to snap.  When I was pregnant with Jasmine, I went off my medications as well and didn't have any real problems.  Near the end of my pregnancy I felt a glimmer of hope that I would never have to take those drugs again but it was smashed the day she was born.  I immediately felt the change in myself when I awoke hours later.  (complications after labor and delivery caused me to pass out for several hours... I have no memory of holding my daughter the first time, although there are pictures as proof that it happened)  And the days that followed everything got worse.  I promptly went back on my paxil and started to feel normal again.  Although, going back on the pills was depressing in and of itself.  Feeling as though I will be bonded with some form of anti-depressant medication for the rest of my life.  At least this time, I know what to expect to some extent and already have planned to take my paxil with me to labor and delivery so I can begin taking it again immediately. 

I've been looking at baby slings and pouches the last few days.  If you haven't seen them, they're like big scarves that you put over one shoulder and they hold the baby, leaving your arms free.  (yes they're safe as long as used properly)  I didn't have one of these with Jasmine.  At the time, they scared the crap out of me.  This time around though, I will have two children to care for and at some point and time, I'm going to feel like I need a few more hands.  I've decided to go with both a sling and a pouch.  The sling is held together by two rings that you slide the material through.  The pouch has a lot less fabric and is zipped together.  The sling looks to last longer than a pouch and grow with baby better.  They're pretty expensive but they use a lot of fabric to make these things and it's all extremely good quality fabric which is why they are pricey.  I had bought one of those generic baby bjorn things with Jasmine.  She hated it.  And quite frankly, so did I.  It was really uncomfortable and pulled at your shoulders the entire time.  It may have worked for someone taller and with a bigger frame but I just couldn't deal with it.  Besides, Jas screamed everytime I stuck her in it.