Flutter Flutter

Many women get all excited when they feel the first flutters of their baby, some cry, some are giddy.  I on the other hand don't think it's quite so fantastic.  When I first felt them this time around, my thoughts were pretty much 'Fan-frickin-tastic.  That's just great.  Already?!'  You see, I'm a realist.  I know that right now, it's a few annoying flutters but soon it will be full fledged ass kicking.  Jasmine used to move so hard that you could SEE her legs rolling across my stomach.  The worst was when she would kick me in my pelvic bones.  I find the whole thing to be annoying.  I know, someone, some where gasps and thinks how awful that I don't fully enjoy every little jerk and jab but, eventually it hurts.  And I absolutely HATE when they get the hiccups.  There's no way for you to stop it.  You can hold your breath for a week and it won't make much difference.  They can hiccup for hours on end, the whole time your stomach flinches and it's hell if you have an upset stomach.  But then, once you reach 20 weeks, you freak out if you don't feel anything from the little monster.  You call the doctor and wonder if you should go in for a stress test.  The one time I had that happen, I was in labor and my doctor told me to drink a full glass of cold water.  I still don't remember ever feeling her again that night because after I drank that water, all I could feel was extreme pain.  Jasmine isn't yet aware that I'm pregnant.  Not sure how long I'll wait.  Probably until I'm really showing.  Nine months is a long time for a toddler to wait and not something they understand.  However, right after I became pregnant, Jasmine began saying she was going to go play with "her brother" or she would say "be nice to my brother."  Probably just from something she saw on tv.  Probably.

Saturday is the one year anniversary of the death of my aussie, August.  It wasn't till this past month that I realized something.  I haven't acted the same towards animals since she died.  I don't feel the same.  I'm a little more cold towards them, a little distant.  Sincerealizing this, I've tried to be a little more warm and inviting but I feel like I lost something inside me the day I lost her.  I don't feel as if I will ever feel the same about another dog.  It was the same way when my cat Tyler died years and years ago.  I haven't been the same towards cats.  I have a favorite but it's just not the same.  (Isaiah, my white siamese mix)  I think everything I've done since she's died has been my way of subconsciously trying to feel that way again.  I got Savannah after she died and I KNOW that I wouldn't have her if I still had August.  Volunteering at the rescue was another thing.  I wonder if this is the way I'll always feel?  I once heard there's one perfect dog for every person and when you find that dog, it's the luckiest day of your life.  But happens when you lose that dog?  How do you get past that?