Thursday, March 4, 2004
My Depressed entries 2
Most nights I sit up hating myself because I can't be what everyone else seems to want me to be. I stopped trying a long time ago to do anything. All throughout my childhood my dad made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough for him. No matter how much I busted my ass to make it the best I could, in whatever I was doing. So eventually I stopped trying to do anything at all. Most days I just feel "here." I go through my day, do what needs to be done and go back to sleep. I don't even bother telling anyone how I feel anymore. They've heard it all before and I think they stopped listening a long time ago. I might as well complain to the dog for all it's worth. Whenever I tell anyone anything, I get told "how do you think that makes me feel?" Well, hold on, let me see... uh I don't care how badly my depression makes you feel. I can't help it and I shouldn't be made to feel like shit because I have it. I'd really like to just lay in bed and cry most of the day, without worrying how it effects "everyone" else or how badly it makes them feel. I can't though. I have to go through every day and act like I'm halfway normal so as not to upset anyone else. God forbid I should have problems of my own. I'm not allowed to have problems. What kind of problems or worries should I have? I don't have a job or responsiblities so I'm expected to be happy and problem free. I've been told, to get over it, deal with it, blah blah blah, like I haven't tried to deal with it or get over it. Basically all that's saying is, just don't talk to me about it that way I'll feel better because I don't have to be aware of the fact that you feel so terrible. I should probably explain the reason why I don't talk to friends or family about my depression. Five years ago, after my best friend killed himself, I slit my wrist. Now, I feel like if I so much as say that I'm sad, everyone is rushing to hide the razor blades and the pills. Come on people, just because I'm depressed doesn't mean that's going to happen again. I really don't feel like anyone understands me. I know there's other people out there that have similar depression and even similar problems but I really don't feel like they understand me.
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4 comments:
You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells so you don't upset anyone else. Your feelings are just as important as anyone elses. From what I've seen you are a very caring person (aren't all us animal lovers?) I was taking Paxil a few years ago, Now no insurance=no meds. Mabey your doc could prescribe a differant med, this one may not be working, Paxil works for some, and not for others. I have the depression too, and I know, it doesn't make life easy or fun sometimes. ~lila~
That really is unfair that when you want to talk about your feelings, all the other person can talk about is their own self. I'm so sorry! If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll listen. And hey, I've gone through some really, really tough times in the past, and looking back, I really believe that talking to a counselor/therapist would have helped. It's not a bad thing, especially when you hit an all-time low. ~Erica
Lila ~ I don't insurance either. Thankfully, I have a great family that takes care of my meds. Plus, we buy it at WalMart now and get it almost 20 bucks cheaper than at Osco's! Talk about overpriced. I don't want to go off the Paxil. I also have anger problems, bad and the Paxil makes me feel much calmer. It has helped a great deal. I've just been having a rough patch is all. Thank you for always being here! *hugs*
Erica ~ If I could afford to go to the shrink of my choosing, I would do it. Since I'm broke, with no job, I don't have that option. For now I have to depend on the people around me for my "shrinking" It may not be the best but hell, it's cheap! LOL I'll keep you in mind if I ever need to talk, and the same goes for you. Any of you, if you ever need to talk, I'm here! ; ) *hugs*
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