Locked Inside

I am once again thrust into a feeling of misery.  The cold that once was, once again, is.  I had several days of not feeling so badly, just a general stuffiness.  Now I am having trouble breathing and there's a thickness in my chest.  I have an unproductive cough, that is causing a sore throat.  I'm not sure if it's what's left of the past cold or a new one beginning.  I'm thinking it's the remaining of the last cold as my brother started coughing after he started feeling better and I caught it from him.  Ack, all I've been doing is whining for the last few days. 

Today I went to lunch with my dad as my grandma was here.  She lives about six hours away and no one seems to understand that I just can't up and leave whenever the hell I want to so I get a constant guilt trip.  Even if we had the money for the gas and Shawn had time off, I still couldn't go as I have seven dogs.  That's a fortune in boarding fees.  I actually get the guilt trip now more from my dad than I do from anyone who lives there.  My grandma seems... confused.  I know they've tested for various things and aren't coming up with much of a reason.  You can tell she knows what she wants to say but it comes out wrong and well, confusing.  I actually think having a toddler makes it a lot easier to understand everything she was saying as I have to listen to what's not being said and read between the lines in a way.  I was aggravated that despite the fact that I was obviously having no problems understanding and communicating with her, my dad and his wife interjected on several occasions, speaking for her or correcting her when I understood exactly what it was she meant to say.  I tried asking her questions about the rest of the family and she didn't have time to utter a word before they spoke for her.  I'm sure they're concerned that she will feel embarrassed but isn't it worse to have someone who feels you can't even speak for yourself?  I guess not feeling well, I was already in a pissy mood.  I can just tell that it effects her to a great degree that everyone treats her as if she is a total invalid.  She'sfrustrated with my aunt that she never leaves her side and yet, no one heard that tonight.  I don't even know exactly what is was they were hearing.  It seemed they heard what they wanted to hear and ignored what she was feeling.  I plan on mentioning something to my dad but I doubt he will listen to me any better.  If he did, it would be a first.  Inside, my grandmother is as much there as she ever was but it doesn't show well on the outside.  I'm sure she feels like she has no voice to be heard, even though the words come out, it's as if she's mute, no one hears her.  I've imagined what it must be like for people who are in severe accidents.  Due to brain damage they have to relearn to walk, talk and all those basics we take for granted.  It must feel like being locked away in a prison.  People come, visit and talk to you as if they're unsure you hear them and you can say nothing in return.  If you're in pain, you cannot scream.  If you're sad, you cannot cry.  In many ways, I imagine this must be how she is feeling.  Locked away in her mind, tortured by things she just can't control.  I feel helpless for her.  When it comes to her children, my voice is as empty as hers.  I stopped being a full part of that family when my parents divorced.  I was cast aside.  I was also 15, still only a child.  I'm not sure what was said in the year I didn't speak to my dad after he left my mom.  I'm sure it couldn't have been good, even if it didn't come from him.  I never heard from any of them until many years later and that was only because I made the effort to go to my dad's while they were there.  Even then, I was treated as an outcast.  I was my mother's daughter and that was all that seemed to matter.  It wasn't till I had a very loud discussion with my dad outside his house about being treated as if I didn't belong in his home by them that things changed... slightly.  My aunt in particular still has this underlying contempt for me.  My grandmother was the only one who seemed to reserve her judgements till after she heard my side of the story.  I didn't mean to go off into this tangent but it's the reason that her children, my aunt and uncles, won't hear me if I said something.  Besides that, I haven't been there day in and day out with her.  They would feel I have no right to say what is and what isn't based off a few hours.  I still plan on talking to my dad about it but even if he were to say something to those who care for her (again, my aunt) it would still be met with contempt I think.  He's not with her either.  He lives hours away and until he's in on her care daily, he has no rights.  And the person who loses the most, hurts the most in all of this, is her.