My Mojo, not a reference to Austin Powers

I am a mom.  When one of my kids cries in the middle of the night and I know it's out of character for them to do that, I go immediately to see what's wrong.  My bedroom is directly across the hall from five of my kids.  So when I heard a muffled meow, I got up so fast that I had to sit back down for a minute.  Through my tears, I found my way to both doors in the dark.  I opened their door slowly as some think it's cute to lay directly in the path of the oncoming door.  Flip the light switch and there they all are, in their bed next to the door.  I have no idea who meowed.  It was probably a kitten complaining about his brother/sister sitting on his head.  By this time, I realize the Ambien has taken full hold of my movements.  I'm more wobbly than usual and just feel a bit, stoned and drunk.  I guess it's more of a feeling of being drunk and yet your brain is working normally.  I'm also suddenly aware that I am standing amid a sea of kittens and that my movements had better be very thought out before I make them.  I decided to get a syringe from the kitchen (I finally got smart and bought some BEFORE I needed them) and filled a cup with water.  I very slowly got an entire syringe of water down both kittens.  (so half a syringe for both)  By doing this, I must have seriously pissed off the orange kitten as he began batting at cardboard boxes and the cat carrier.  (he hasn't played all day as he's felt rather awful) I said well maybe I should piss you off more, it gives up some spunk.  LBK however just glared at me and walked underneath me (I was kneeling down) hoping to steal some body heat.  Another bright idea came to me through the Ambien fog.  A softer blanket while they feel really awful.  Ah, but which of my towels will I sacrifice.  These are my favorite pair, these my mom JUST bought us a few weeks ago.  Shit.  Wait, what's that over at the edge of the bed?  Jasmine old baby blanket.  THAT will be PERFECT.  Now before you scold me, it was not a favored blanket (we used it so she could lay on the floor without being directly on the wood) and it's since been a hand-me-down to the ferrets who LOVE this blanket but will never know the difference after it's washed.  I laid it down over top of the towels that were already in there after I made them a little more comfy.  What's that smell.  Sniff, sniff.  Two little kittens trot over.  sniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniiiiiiiffffff  Oh yes, ferrets have a VERY strong odor and it does NOT come out in the wash.  It smells better after you wash it but it will always be there.  Now momma is over sniffing.  I keep warning her not to pee on the blanket.  I swear momma, you pee on the big comfy blanket that was brought in specifically for the sickly's, you're in for it.  No, momma plops her long ass right on the kitteh's blanket!  At first I was going to shoo her away.  (the kittens won't lay with her)  Then I thought, what if she WANTS them right now.  I pick up LBK and set him down in front of her and she's like, 'My GAWD child, what happened to your face?!'  And she licked his face like it was the most important mission on earth.  I'm not going to lie, I started to cry.  For days I've been frustrated wishing that I had a cat's tongue that would do what was so badly needed for these kittens.  Yes, I've been longing for a cat tongue.  I thought, maybe I could attach some kind of rough sponge to a stick and use it like a cat tongue but I knew it would never be the same.  And here I had a real live tongue, WORKING.  Now LBK was NOT impressed and shot me the look of death.  Oh, I didn't mention, I was holding him there for his bath, no escape.  Strange how something so pathetic and sweet can suddenly give looks that could kill.  I had to avert my gaze just to be on the safe side.  Ok, down you go, it's orange kitty's turn and he's STILL pissed at me from earlier.  Here momma, watch the claws on this one.  It went better than expected, I get look from hell, momma continues cleaning, another look from hell and hey look, she's bored with you, you're free.  Momma walked off after that.  I guess she saw a line forming or something and said 'oh look at the time.'  ;)  In a few minutes I'll check back in on them to make sure they're using the blanket.  It's really fluffy and warm so I hope they will and just ignore the musty odor that lingers on.  I know it wasn't the breakthrough I was looking for but that small gesture on momma's part, brightened up my day, ever so slightly.  After my last entry I was in tears.  All I kept hearing is they're both going to die and you did nothing.  (I KNOW there's not much more I, personally, can do without permission BUT tell that to the voices inside my head)  After seeing momma make at least an attempt with those kittens, I may not cry myself to sleep tonight.  It was going strongly in that direction prior to this.  And I'm NOT a crier.  I just really want this to work out ok and the thought that it really might not... I don't know if it's frustration or sadness, maybe both but it's been bringing me to tears.  It's harder when you can't save the small innocent ones that haven't even gotten a chance to play because they're so young than if it were an older cat.  I've thrown myself into this litter more so than any of the others.  When the others went home, I said see ya, who's next?  I didn't cry, although I've never cried when one of my fosters gets adopted, not one.  Well, I think I cried with Doodle the first time because I knew she was getting a fantastic home.  It wasn't losing her that had me upset though, it was tears of happiness for her.  But with the past litters, I haven't invested much of me into them.  Feed, change litter, let them out to play, laugh at their antics but I never felt it above where it matters.  Emotionally, I had barricades up.  I do with all my fosters.  I'm not going to have them for a long period of time so don't bother feeling a huge sense of love towards them.  Caring, empathy, compassion, a little love but nothing more.  These guys... they ripped the rug right out from underneath of me and I'm still trying to find all the pieces of the barricade as they're scattered here an there.  While I'm doing that, they're getting IN.  And it's making it hard to contemplate what could happen.  And that's what I do.  I need to know the worst possible ways things can go in order to go about doing what I need to do.  It's the way I work.  With humans, and animals.  Once I figure those things out, I can get things done.  It's like a maze I have to sort through and when I come to the end, there's a light and I know I'm almost done.  Good or bad, this ride is almost over.  And it gives me a sense that even if I can't do anything right now, I can try to find something I can do later.  I need to be doing something, even if it's all in my head in order to get through those times when all you can do is wait because you've done everything you can do.  And now they're in there messing with my mojo.  How am I suppose to distance myself when they're to the mojo already?