I've been thinking a lot about my friend that died years ago. (again it's that time of the year) I was getting a little upset so I emailed an old friend that was also his friend. I'm sure I'll regret that later. He wasn't exactly ever nice to me and I still have a lot of leftover feelings about the whole situation. But he's the only person that I felt may still be feeling the way I feel. Everyone else besides my friend's parents seem to have moved on. It was ten years ago so I can see how that would happen but this was a person that I spent day in and day out with. It's hard to just get over that, even ten years later. I don't talk to anyone in his family except his mom and dad. His sister stopped answering my emails a year or so ago. (I'm not sure why) And his brother... went through a difficult time of his own and it distanced him from everyone else. You know, when you've been with your husband since you were 16, you'd think that you wouldn't have as much baggage as a 30 year old. At least he knew what he was getting into when we got together. If anything, my husband has made me more stable than I ever was before. There were many times I was spinning out of control, whether it be excessive drinking or, yes, even drugs, I always seemed to be looking for a way out. When my husband came along, I found a friend that wasn't looking for the next party and it helped ground me. If I hadn't met my husband, I don't know where I would've gone. The people that were the biggest influences on me at the time, have went downhill and done things that I couldn't have ever seen myself doing but then again, I'm a different person than I was then. It's a little strange to look back over those years, the before Shawn years, and see how much I've changed from then to now. In some ways, it seems like it was just a few weeks ago that I was drinking all the time, partying every day and in others, it seems like that was a totally different person and I just happen to have their memories. I'm just glad that I was excessive with substances and not with guys. I have enough regrets, I don'tneed those kind as well. Which brings me to another thing. Most of my regrets, are not the things I did, they were the things I didn't do. I really don't regret most of what I've done because it got me to where I am now, towho I am now. So I guess you really should just carpe diem, just be careful you're seizing the right things out of the day.
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6 comments:
Interesting entry, our lives are much the same in many respects. I found myself excessing in many areas of my life yet given the chance I wouldn't do it differently because like you said, it made me who I am and I think it has turned me into the person I am. As long as we can see & admit our previous "mistakes" for lack of a better word, chances are we won't repeat them. I bet your friend would be happy to know he is still alive in your heart.
xxx
Lisa
The important thing is, you learned and changed from the experience. I did the same thing. It took me almost dying to turn into the person I am today. But I sure did change, and for the better.
You don't know how much I truly understand where your coming from here. I repressed almost my entire lifetime due to alot of messed up abuse I had to deal with, add in the alcohol and drugs to try to numb myself........I'm learning ever so slowly it's better to deal with whatever anguish you have. Now that I no longer numb myself the flood gates are open. I often find myself reliving things I had long thought I had forgotten. Then I realize , I have to deal with it and see it for what it is if I want to move on. I can't purge 38 years in a few, so I know this type of thinking is going to be an ongoing experience.
Like you said, you can't change it, nor should you. It's what made you who you are. Would I be the same if I didn't have to ungo so much pain......I wonder, but somehow don't think so. I see and feel things differently than most, that comes from living that kind of life. Regrets??? I wish I had the courage to face my demons sooner, perhaps I would of had more to my life than I do now. (Hugs) Indigo
Nicely said. I've always felt that while it would be so easy to live your life in regret for what you've done in the past, and to use it as an excuse for your mistakes in the present, the truly strong person will put it behind them, use it as a way of learning, and forge ahead. Congratulations on being a strong person, and it sounds like your husband provides great and loving support.
Take care, Beth
so true
I received your link thru magic smoke and wanted to invite you to visit my journey .
hugs
Sherry
I found you in Magic Smoke. I like the entry... maybe you bring that family bad memories. Maybe that's why they don't respond. I don't mean that as an insult AT ALL! Sometimes people want to keep away from the ones that remind them of the things that hurt them.. you may be a reminder of that lost relative. Best of luck to you. -Missy http://journals.aol.com/ma24179/MISSYZSTUFF
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