Whirling and spinning, time stops for no one

I wrote an entry hours ago but my husband's laptop ate it.  So here we go again.  Things have moved rather fast in the last 24 hours.  I decided to email one of my rescue contacts in the area and see if they needed any help with computer stuff/internet stuff.  I got an email back a little while later saying that she was in desperate need of someone to run the petfinder ads as well as a list full of other things.  As long as the rest of the directors are ok with it, I will be getting the petfinder password and begin working on ads and removing/adding animals when they come in or get adopted out.  I will be helping coordinate an event that will occur once a month at one of the pet stores but anyone who has adopted from us.  It will be a question/answer sort of thing, where if you adopted from us and are having problems or questions regarding your animal, we will be on hand to help you find answers and we're hoping to have a trainer on hand for the last thirty minutes of the session to explain how he could help.  We don't expect this to take off right away.  The first several meetings will probably just be our volunteers.  I'll also be putting together a list of trainers in the area for adopters.  This will be a longer process than the rest.  I first have to get a list of all the trainers around here, then I have to call them all and ask what they specialize in and would they be willing to discount the first session for any of our referrals and do they take all breeds/mutts.  Then I have to put together the list and explain what each trainer specializes in, etc and present it to the board of directors.  There was more that she wants me to do but at the moment I can't remember.  I talked to her for an hour on the phone this morning and admittedly, hadn't been to sleep and had already taking sleeping pills so I wasn't completely with it.  The rescue I'm volunteering for is foster only, there is no shelter.  A minor problem with that is most people that are completely involved with them, end up fostering at least once.  My husband is not keen on this idea at all.  I told her I'd be willing to take something of the herding group but not some yippy dog, no puppies, no hounds... well I had a pretty big list of what I will not take.  I was supposed to go to one of the kill shelters with her tomorrow but I won't be able to.  We'll have to see what happens with that.  I really don't know how I feel about it.  I feel like if I could do it and not get attached that it would be a great service to the animals and we would have one more foster home but at the same time, it's extremely difficult for me not to get attached.  I don't want to be the odd man out.  I know that sounds ridiculous but it's hard to be in that environment and not feel like you're not doing enough.  For now, I'm sticking with the list she gave me.  We also have a huge event in February she would like help with but it's not my cup of tea.  It's a fancy dinner/auction.  If she doesn't have enough volunteers for the event I'll probably go but hopefully I won't have to.  The woman that is my contact is hard to say no to, in fact, she finds ways to make it almost impossible to say no.  So yes, I have gotten a lot on my plate in the last 24 hours.  It all happened extremely fast, within a matter of a few hours.  I'm still a little stunned.  I will not be volunteering at the other shelter now, but they hadn't gotten back to me anyways.  I will not be giving out a name of the rescue that I am working with as I want to be able to be as frank as possible on here without causing myself problems in the real world.  I still feel like my head is spinning with everything that has happened. 

I haven't found a place for any of the dogs on death row.  (and no the rescue I am working with won't take them, we only take from death row in our area) The collie has till tomorrow.  The chow mix has four more days.  I feel awful.  A part of me wishes I'd never gotten involved in the first place but that's the part of me that thinks it would be better if I just hadn't known about them at all.  I keep looking at the picture of the chow and seeing my Tarin in his face.  It's hard to think about for me and actually makes me feel sick.  It's a failure on my part, even though it wasn't my doing that got them in the pound in the first place. 

When I get myself into situations where I'm not in control or don't feel like I know what I am doing, I panic.  Everything sounds like a good idea until the wheels are set in motion and then my brain starts firing off random reasons why this should not happen and why I should run like hell.  Sometimes I do, run that is, and the panic subsides almost immediately but if I go on, I usually find that my fears were unjustified.  I don't think I can run in this case.  These people know me outside of the rescue.  There would be consequences that would go beyond the disappointment that would be in their voice.  I don't know why new situations seem to scare me so much and put me into a tailspin.  Don't get me wrong, that hasn't happened... yet, but I know myself well enough to know that it will come and I need to prepare myself for it.  It will probably happen within the hours of my first meeting with my contact, who we will refer to as Nicole from now on.  She can be difficult as she is very opinionated.  For example, she thinks I should have my pit bull put down, no questions asked, because he has some very mild temperament issues with other dogs when he is eating and occasionally when he has a favored toy.  (pit bulls do not mature completely until about three years of age and can continue to become aggressive until that point) I feel that I shouldn't condemn a dog for no other reason than his breed.  He would NEVER hurt any human unless they were hurting someone he cared about.  (and even then I'm not sure he would hurt them, he's that people friendly)  She feels like if you have a ten year old dog that for whatever reason, you have to find a new home for, that you should euthanize the dog rather than putting it through living in a shelter.  I feel like as long as a dog is still happy and healthy, it deserves a chance.  All that being said, that is why she is the one who deals with incoming emails.  She can say no, quite easily.  Whereas someone like me would say no and then change my mind as my conscience got the better of me.  We ONLY take from kill shelters, we do not take owner surrenders so that makes saying no a little easier but I know I would make an exception here and there and before you know it, it would no longer be only from kill shelters.  The reason I like this foster program is because these animals would have no other way to live than if we were put in place to take them.  These are animals with no other chance than us.  For those reasons, I will bite my tongue when another's opinion isn't exactly what I had in mind, even if they occasionally seem a little heartless.  Wish me luck, I'm going to need it to swallow the panic that will try and hold me back.